American Deku Be Like... (satire)

I Wanna Decide Who Lives And Who Dies

pre-story a/n: if you haven't checked out mystery science theater 3000 by now, i would highly recommend you do, since a: it's very funny, b: i've probably brought it up like twice at this point, and c: most of the episodes are free on youtube (the rest are on netflix or gizmoplex). also, every time The Crows (OHHH WISECRACKER) are mentioned, i'm gonna have a quote from the one and only Crow T. Robot (the guy above) next to it. just warning you in advance, it's gonna get annoying.

Once the Misfits had shoved 1-A into their humiliatingly small living space, it was party time. The gang was notorious for having loud, rowdy parties, despite there never being anyone else there. Well, unless they felt like tormenting some poor unfortunate underclassman who they deemed the winner of the month. Before Izuku's implementation of the Mark of the Beast, rumors went around about what would happen to those kids. Maybe they had been assimilated into the group. Maybe they got humiliated so badly that they had to leave town altogether. Or maybe, just maybe, the Misfits murdered the kid and got away with it. How would they get away with it? Well, in addition to being the top students and best friends with the son of the #1 hero...

"Yeah, my dad's a mob boss." Izuku was floating on a raft in the family pool, beer can in hand.

"Wow, weird!" Maddy exclaimed over the pounding music over the Bluetooth speakers. "I just assumed you were good at hiding bodies and bribing the cops!"

"I mean, yes, I am the police's perfect little princess who can do no wrong. Still, Dad's the head of a group called the Crows (BOOZE, IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER). They're the most feared organized crime ring in Nondescriptropolis. And he says that someday I could be Queen of the Crows (THAT'S ONE O)," Izuku boasted.

Ace let out a sigh. "It would be so hot if our princess was queen of the mafia. Right, Elijah?"

"Yeah. Still, it's my turn to fuck him tonight," Elijah growled.

"No, it's mine, you selfish prick. You got to fuck him last time. He's MINE."

"Boys, boys! You can share me tonight! How about that?" Izuku asked, slightly tipsy.

Izuku's boyfriends shot each other a glare. "Fine," they said in unison.

"Uh... not to intrude on your... personal matters, but... are either of you switches or anything?" Jake asked, practically walking on eggshells.

Both Ace and Elijah looked disgusted. "What the hell do you think, No Bitches?" Ace snapped. "We're both tops and you oughta know it by now. If you don't, you've been living under a rock for however long you've known us."

"Okay, jeez, sorry. Just wanted to know." Jake felt a shiver down his spine. "Uh... I'm getting kinda tired. I'm gonna hit the sack." He brought his towel with him as he went inside.

"What a coward," Yuri scoffed.

"And a fucking idiot." Izuku said with a grin. "Just by looking at us, you can tell who's a top and who's a bottom."

"It even applies to the rest of us! Bottoms are always taller than tops!" Izumi said, noting her height difference with Alex. "And you know what we say about bottom boys!"

Everyone chimed in with Izumi. "IF HE'S NOT A CURVY TWINK IN GIRL'S CLOTHING, IS HE EVEN A BOTTOM?!"

Everyone was laughing at this. "Ha, ha, ha," they giggled.

"Anyways, obvious sexual positioning aside, Zuzu! Tell us more about the Crows (HAVE A PATRICK SWAYZE CHRISTMAS)!" Kathy gushed.

"I hate it when you're bubbly like that, but fine," Izuku said, making Kathy blush with embarrassment. "The Crows (I'M DIFFERENT) are the most feared and respected mob unit in the city. Probably even the country."

"Like us!" Derek shouted.

"Exactly. The Crows (YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME BABY) have members of all ages, from the womb to the tomb. Which is why I'm gonna be Queen when Dad steps down, even though I'm 16."

"I'm surprised I didn't know this. Could we join the group? I kinda want to be a Crow (I WONDER IF THERE'S BEER ON THE SUN)," Alex said, lounging in his seat.

"Oh, hell yeah! What kind of question is that?" Izuku said, sitting up in his float. "Dad loves you guys. I'm sure you all would be a welcome addition to the Crows (MIKE, I DEMAND THAT YOU KILL ME)."

Everyone erupted into a repeated cheer (i am so sorry). "CROWS (LIBERACE WISHES HE WERE THIS GAY)! CROWS (WHAT A COUPLE OF DICKWEEDS)! CROWS (OH GREAT, A HARMONICA)! CROWS (COME ON METAMUCIL WORK YOUR MAGIC)!"

After the laughing and cheering subsided, there was a brief pause, broken by Maddy. "So, now what?"

"I dunno. Truth or dare?" Kathy asked

"Eh. It's kinda boring since I know that you'll all do and say just about anything." Izuku said, paddling his way over to the edge of the pool.

Just then, Yuri got an idea. An awful idea. Yuri had a wonderful, awful idea. "But what about 1-A? We don't know their limits, do we?"

Everyone turned to look at Yuri, who now had an evil grin plastered on her face. "Yuri, you evil little bitch, that's GENIUS!!" Izuku said, jumping out of the pool and tossing his empty beer can on the ground. "Someone get 1-Ass. I'd like to play a game."

A/N: if you hated the format of this, just wait for the Long-Awaited Sex Scene i'm currently putting off writing. it's gonna be HORRENDOUS. also, i dunno why the Fandom Gods didn't give me a semi-normal interest like anime or something. i had to be into a niche comedy central tv show from the 80s (as well as a video game that hasn't gotten an update since 2017 and an adult swim tv show that ended like last year). also, i have a name for the unnamed city in america deku lives in! it's called NONDESCRIPTROPOLIS.

oh, and one more (kinda long) thing. i feel like someone should educate you wattpad authors on how topping/bottoming works with gay relationships. strap in, y'all. i'm a virgin with a lot of knowledge and access to private windows on firefox. let's-a-go. so, the top is the one penetrating and the bottom is the one being penetrated. that's it. that's all there is to it. it has nothing to do with dominance or submission, which is JUST A BDSM THING. it ALSO has nothing to do with body type, personality, height, voice, or taste in clothing. it's just about who wants to penetrate/be penetrated. soft tops and power bottoms ARE A THING. this has been a PSA from your friendly neighborhood hive mind of moths.