Daughter of Wine

Callida

I'm not sure how to describe how I feel. I'm trying to keep my cool for the sake of the team, but on the inside I want to crawl into bed and scream. 

In two seconds, he's just... gone. And no one seems incredibly upset about it. Piper cried, for like, a minute. So, I'm tring to do what I do best and push my feelings aside. If I just focus on the work that needs to be done, it should be easier. 

I do feel a little bad, too. Frank, Hazel, and Piper are all trying to help me make repairs, but since I barely understand what I'm doing myself, I can't really explain what I want them to do. So instead, I just do it myself. 

You'd think I'd feel tired, or hungry, but I don't. I just focus on the work that needs to be done. That's how I get through the day. Then, at night, when everyone is asleep and the ship is silent, I go down to the engine room. 

The force of Khione's ice bomb knocked the syncopator out of alignment, and subsequently caused a chain reaction of damage throughout the engine. I've been working one piece at a time, trying my best to remember what Leo had done when he built it. I'd been right there. He explained it to me a million times. I should have this down like the back of my hand, but it's taking much longer than I'd like. 

"Calli." Piper's voice is soft in the doorway. 

I look up at her, trying to not look annoyed that she interrupted my train of thought. She looks blurry and warped. Very quickly, I realize my eyes are watery, and I wipe my eyes, hoping she doesn't notice. 

She comes in and sits down on a workbench a little ways away from me. I know I freaked her out when I went all madness-crazy, but I saved her life. And she seems to be getting over it. 

"How are you doing?" She asks me.

I shrug. "I'm fine. Busy."

"It's just..." She shifts uncomfortably. "We're worried about you."

I set down Leo's screwdriver, hanging my head. "Why?"

"You haven't eaten or slept in three days." She tilts her head to examine me more closely. "I know you miss Leo, we all do. But you need to take care of yourself."

"I am." I insist. "Once I fix the engine-"

"Calli, no one expects you to fix the engine. It's complicated machinery."

"I can do it." I tell her, my heart dropping into my stomach. Good to know my friends don't believe in me. 

Piper sighs. "Okay. But... do you think you could eat something? Maybe take a shower, sleep a little?"

I look down at myself and see my clothes are completely grimy, peppered with holes, and they probably don't smell great. 

"Um, yeah, I'll go shower."

"And eat?" Piper asks hopefully. "And sleep?"

"Not hungry." I tell her. "Or tired." 

"Calli!" She scolds. 

"Piper!" I answer back, starting to get annoyed. "What do you want from me? I'm doing my best here. We need a working engine, working oars, a new sail, new rigging. I-" I sit back down defeatedly. "I'm doing my best."

Piper's shoulders sag, as if she pities me, which definitely doesn't make me feel better. "Sorry." She tells me. She gets up and joins me on the floor in front of the engine. I stare into the bright light that emanates from the syncopator, remembering the first time I saw it lit up. 

"I miss him too," Piper tries. 

I feel physical pain in my chest, but I try not to react. "We made plans."

"Huh?" She turns to look at me curiously. 

"Leo and I..." It takes every ounce of energy I have to not burst into tears. "We talked about what we want to do when the quest is over. I wanted to take him to Miami, and he was going to take me to Houston. We were going to go to high school there."

"Oh, Calli." Piper wraps an arm around my shoulders, and my emotions begin to betray me. I start shaking with sobs, and I pull my knees to my chest, holding tightly as I lose control of the tears that have been threatening to spill for days.