Saving You | BWS-RSO FF

Chapter 5 - A Difficult Stage

Music: Medicine by Daughter

(Moon POV)

I'm dying.

"What you have is called Osso Sarcoma." The doctor says as he points to a mass in the X-ray.

I'm really dying.

I feel my heart pounding so much it could leave my chest anytime it pleases. Sweat starts to build up at the nape of my neck and I try to fumble with my wedding ring to take the nerves off.

"Sorry-did-what?" I ask.

What if his answer changes? Could he just have pulled up the wrong x-ray? Maybe this one isn't mine and he's going to apologize for scaring me like this.

"A tumor in your spine. And, it's a rare one" He says as he intertwines his fingers and places it on his desk. "I can try to give you medication for it but it might not be as helpful granting the stage you are in."

"Stage? What stage am I in?" I ask, my ring finger almost getting numb at how much I'm rubbing on it.

Letting out a heavy breath, he gives me a look and I already know where our conversation is headed.

"St-" I cut him off because I don't think I have the strength to hear anymore of what he has to say.

"If it took that much to say it, I already know." I say.

Letting go of my hand, I let them fall to my sides as I sit here.

"Just tell me this." I say, my eyes looking at the outside of the doctor's office. "How long do I have?"

I wait for a response from him. Not looking at the doctor, I imagine a life where this wasn't part of it. All the places Anton and I could visit or the things we could do together. What if we had the chance to change what we went through, would it still be as promising as we wanted it to be? What if we never had a hard time growing up? What if we never had to go through all the pain? As I think of all the things Anton and I could look forward to, I imagine the doctor telling me I had more than enough years to live. I imagine him assuring me that I have enough as long as I take care of myself. But, sometimes, imaginations aren't what they seem.

"1 year." He says.

My heart drops to the floor and I start to feel my whole body almost sinking. It's like something hollow opened up inside of me and is taking me apart. A chilling sensation runs down my whole body and I feel my hands start to go numb. I open my mouth but nothing seems to come out. Looking at the doctor, his face shows me pity.

"Wh-wh-" I gently blow out a breath to regain my words. "What are the symptoms? What should I expect?"

"Loss of balance and headaches." He points to the x-ray. "You could also feel numbness in your legs."

"Will they happen soon?" 

"Looking at the placement of your tumor, I think these symptoms have already started. Did you not notice any changes?" He says.

My eyes drift from him to the sky outside the window behind him. I recall yesterday morning when I woke up a little earlier than Anton. While making breakfast, my head hurt so bad I dropped the spatula I was holding. I remember falling to the floor from so much pain that it felt like my skull was being crushed. I remember just trying to let it pass.

A few months ago, I had an incident of falling to the floor after a meeting with my finance team. There was no one left in the room when I decided to stand up to get myself a cup of coffee. But, as I reached the door, my knees weakened and I just fell. I thought it was just a thing that happens when you've been sitting too much your body gets too relaxed to do something.

"Have they happened recently?" He asks, disrupting me from my thoughts.

"I just thought they were one of those days." I say.

He nods in agreement. "It looks just like any ordinary thing. But, in your case, they do mean something."

Leaning my back on the chair, I lick my lips before speaking.

"I just have a year left." Disbelief engulfs me and I feel my chest tightening.

Saying it louder, I don't know if it's for the doctor to correct what he said or if it's for me to hear.

He doesn't say anything to what I said. I think he already knows that saying it out like that isn't for him but more for me.

Nodding, I grab my bag from the floor and stand up. "Thank you for your time, doc. I'll have to discuss this with my husband."

He stands to offer his hand for me to shake.

Leaving his office, I let the door close behind me before standing out for a few minutes. How do I tell Anton about this? How do I tell him I have a year to live? How do I even start this kind of conversation? I can't hide it from him forever. But, telling him now when everything has been going so well? Should I really be the one to ruin all he's accomplished? I can't do that to him. I won't.

Breathing out, I walk to the entrance and wait for the driver to pick me up. Watching the world unfold in front of me, I realize how life is too short for anything. When you've gone through so much, an instance like this wakes you up from the reality that everything could just seize to exist when it has to. I'm no exception to those circumstances. No matter how much aia asked the world to spare me from these things because I've been through too much, I'm not any different.

The car comes to a stop in front of me and the driver runs to my side of the car to open the door. Giving him a small smile, I enter the backseat. He returns to the driver's side and I hear his seatbelt click.

"To the office, Ma'am?" He asks as he looks at me through the rearview mirror.

Should I see Anton now? Do I have everything in me to tell him about this? I can't just pretend that everything is okay when it isn't.

"No." I say. "Take me home, please."

Nodding, the car starts to ignite and we're on our way.