Saving You | BWS-RSO FF

Chapter 20 - An Unspoken Pain

Music: Love of My Life by Avery Lynch

Being in this quiet solitude of Anton and I's bathroom floor, I gaze out the little window at the world beyond, a world that seemed to spin on oblivious to the turmoil raging within me. The walls of the room closed in around me, a constant reminder of the battle I am going through – an unseen enemy.

As the effects of chemotherapy coursed through my veins, I feel the weight of my illness pressing down on me like a suffocating blanket. The nausea, the fatigue, the relentless pain – each day brought with it a new challenge, a new hurdle to overcome.

With my hands trembling, I reach up to touch the smooth skin where my hair used to cascade in a river of silk. The mirror reflected back a stranger, a shadow of the woman I once was. The physical changes brought by cancer are just the surface of the deep well of emotions that threatens to consume me. My hands travel to the bones sticking out of my shoulders and then my chest. The fragile person staring right in front of me, a broken and withered figure.

I can taste the bitter metal lingering on my tongue.

In the darkness of the night, as the world outside falls silent, I allow myself to confront the depths of my despair. I weep for the dreams that shattered at my feet, for the future that seems to slip further from my grasp with the passing days that come. I stay like this, broken and bruised, wishing for something better for us.

Footsteps erupt beside me and I see Anton leaning on the bathroom door frame.

"Hey," he said softly, walking in to scoop me up to his lap.

I lean on his chest, feeling the warmth of his body and the strength of his arms as he wraps it around me. I bury my face in his chest, inhaling his familiar scent, finding comfort in his presence. Anton holds me gently, his hand stroking my back.

"I hate this," I whisper, my voice husky. "I hate feeling like this, and I hate what it's doing to us."

"I know, my Moon," Anton murmured, his own voice tinged with sadness. "But, we're in this together, remember? I'm here for you, every step of the way."

We sit here in silence for a while, drawing strength from each other. I know how hard this could be for him – how much he's suffering from our situation. Suddenly, I feel a surge erupting in my stomach again. My body starts to tremble and I know what's about to come.

Quickly escaping from Anton's grip, I crawl to the toilet and the metal like taste is back in my mouth. My back arches as I try to let everything out. Tears swell up in my eyes and my hands hold on to the sides of the toilet. I feel a hand caressing my back and tears stream down as I imagine Anton seeing me like this. His heart could be breaking into a million pieces seeing the once strong Moon turning into a weak and fragile figure.

After the vomiting subsides, leaving me weak and drained, I grab tissues from the side and wipe my mouth. With my head low, I try to catch my breath. The caressing on my back doesn't stop and it distracts me from my heart pounding. After a few minutes, I feel two arms scooping me up from the floor. Anton holds me to his chest with a soft and comforting smile on his face.

"Let's get you to bed, my love." He says gently as I wrap my arms around his neck.

Together, we navigate the short journey to our bedroom. Once we are near the bed, Anton lowers himself a little to lift the blanket up and lay me on the bed. Kneeling beside me, he places his hand on my head, gently caressing my forehead with his thumb.

"Do you need anything?" he asks, his voice soft and filled with concern.

Shaking my head weakly, my eyes meet his with gratitude. "Just you." I whisper.

Anton smiles, an understanding look in his eyes. He helps me change into new pajamas, moving with gentle care to avoid causing any discomfort. Once we are settled in, he pulls the covers up to my chest, tucking me in snugly.

"Sleep tight, my love," Anton says, his voice a lullaby to me. "I'll be right here beside you."

As I close my eyes, I feel the exhaustion of the day weighing heavily on me. I'm grateful for Anton's presence, his calming hands a balm to my soul. As I drift off to sleep, I know that whatever happens from this moment on, I will have Anton by my side.

-

The next morning, I open my eyes to Anton sitting on the bed beside me – his eyes focused on the television in front of us. Moving to face him, his gaze drifts to me and he gives me a warm smile.

"Good morning, sleepyhead." He says as he bends down to kiss me on the lips. "You look beautiful today."

Smiling, I grab his hand and place it under the face. "It's nice to wake up in the morning with you."

His mouth forms an "o" before speaking. "So, you're using my lines on me now, huh?"

He laughs before nuzzling down beside me, our faces inches away. His hand finds its way to my cheek before planting a small kiss on my lips. When he parts from me, he looks me in my eyes first before sticking his forehead to mine. I breathe in his scent, a smell I am too familiar with and we stay here like this for a while. The world outside could wait – right now, all that matters is this moment, this shared morning with him.

As the sun rose higher in the sky, casting a golden hue over our room, we finally rose from bed, knowing that we had a busy day ahead. My last chemo session awaits for me, the last stretch of my cancer. I've now come to accept my situation. I cannot remove the fact that there is fear in me but there's also a sense of clarity. I am facing a slow and painful journey, but I am not alone in this. I am alright. I will be alright.

"Ready for breakfast, my Moon?" Anton asks as he erupts from the door frame, an apron covering him.

Laughing at the sight of him, I observe what says on his apron.

Moon's Personal Chef

We share a simple breakfast in bed together, the air filled with quiet conversation and shared smiles. Soon after, we get dressed, me choosing a comfortable white dress that would be easy to change out of for the treatment.

"Hey, Moon, are you ready?" Anton asks as he bursts from our bedroom to my vanity, making my heart jump a little.

"Anton, why are you always popping out of thin air?" I ask with a laugh.

He doesn't say anything. Instead, his eyes are looking at me through the mirror, his expression shocked.

"What is it?" I ask, worry engulfing me. "Is it my back? Are the bruises too much? Should I hide them?"

He shakes his head and walks towards me, his hands landing gently on my shoulders. Bending down, he plants little kisses on my shoulders all the way to my neck.

I laugh at his actions. "That tickles!"

Looking up to meet my eyes, his gaze softens. "You look beautiful, Moon."

Smiling, I can feel tears pooling in my eyes but I try to brush them off. "You're going to ruin my makeup."

He plants another kiss on my neck. "You are the strongest person I know," he says, his voice filled with love. "We'll be alright."

I squeeze his hand placed gently on my shouder, a feeling of gratitude surging through from this man who stands by me through thick and thin. With a nod and a smile, we get ready to leave for the hospital and ready to face what lies ahead.