A little piece of me

a little piece of me - 14

*Author's note at the end*

I'm fine with being me,

Or at least I pretend to be. 

I pretend to be happy,

But happiness is hard to achieve.

On the outside I'm smiling,

On the inside I'm frowning.

I look so alive,

But I feel like I'm drowning.

You can call me mean, bitchy, insensitive

and I'll never ask you why.

I already know it's because

I've always refused to cry.

I eat all the insults and hold back the tears.

But being alone is one of my greatest fears.

But a future alone is one that is guaranteed.

And all my chances of love are slipping away with such speed.

I'm afraid of being alone.

I just want to be wanted.

I'm afraid of falling out of love,

just like my parents did.

I've sworn to myself I'd never put my children through such pain.

I grew up with so much hurt,

but they would never do the same.

I've learned to shut it all in,

but they'll never have the chance,

because getting a divorce isn't part of my plans.

But that'll never happen if I never find a man.

I'm trying so damn hard and doing the best that I can.

But finding someone to love is hard when you're me.

Guys always want what I could never be.

I've learned from experience and I'll never forget,

the reason my race is something I regret.

It happened when I was merely nine years old,

so of course I never expected to hear what I was told.

The boy that I liked told me he didn't date black girls.

It was then that I first felt the cruelty of this world.

Hearing those words was like a slap to the face,

because no matter what I do I can never change my race.

No matter what I did I would have never had a chance,

because being black and Asian is a part of who I am.

Every single crush sparked the same thought every time:

"He'd never date a black girl"

but I still refused to cry.

I just held it all in and continued on my way,

and that's part of the reason why I'm so insecure today.

Because no matter how hard I try,

it's never enough.

No one ever sees me as a diamond in the rough.

Every good grade I get,

my dad is never impressed.

Every time I try,

I'm never the best.

Criticism's thrown at me every single day.

I'm begging for someone to take this pain away.

I hate myself so much.

I wish I could just press pause.

Because people try to change my mind,

But I'm just a lost cause.

*Author's note*

This poem talks about the most important but hidden thing about me: my insecurities. This poem can't even begin to explain what I hate about myself. It doesn't explain how I internally cringe at compliments because they all sound like lies. It doesn't explain that if someone ever told me they liked me I would ask them why. Or how I'm constantly wondering if my friends really like me, all because of what one person did to me. One person was all it took for me to lose the ability to trust the people I care about the most. This poem doesn't even touch base on why the words "I love you" mean nothing to me. Or how I'm scared of getting close to people because I get attached too easily. It doesn't explain how much it hurts me that I no longer talk to the one person who's ever truly made me feel loved. Or how I've come to the conclusion that if it's so easy for him to erase me from his life then what makes me think that everyone else will stick around. This poem doesn't even begin to explain how I feel, but it's a start.