It's not surprising that I was kicked out of my house. I should've seen it coming. I fuck up everything anyway.
I sat down on the forest floor, breathing in the earth, dirt, and pine trees. The cold bit at my nose and cheeks and the fog sunk down into my bones. But I didn't care. In fact, I deserved it. I let go of a deep sigh and look around. I didn't even think about coming here. I just came here by habit. An ugly habit that oozes selfishness and self-hatred. Maybe it wasn't a habit, maybe it was an addiction. But then again, addiction has a negative connotation. And my habit wasn't negative. It was a Band-Aid. A hug from the devil.
My eyes finally found the moss covered log and I fished through the hollow middle. I pulled out a plastic bag with a cloth inside. Something triggered in me once I saw it. My veins rushed and an animalistic numbing took over. I needed this.
I slid my sleeve up and dug deeply. I dug the sliver sliced object that hid in the cloth across my arm. Devils nails digging into my skin over and over. What a hug. What a relief. I started to cry on the fourteenth slit, seven on each pale wrist.
"Fuck." I mumbled. I zipped open my other bag and found gauze. "Fuck."
I pulled out a water bottle and washed off the blade and stuck it back in the plastic bag. I hid the bag and pulled the cloth one over my shoulder. I needed to get somewhere. I needed somewhere to stay. I looked up at the grey sky and remembered that there was a storm tonight. I really needed somewhere to stay.
But where? Ray was on vacation, Bob's family is having a reunion, and....well...Mikey is already out of the question.
I was walking through a park, not knowing where I was headed. "Shit." I mumbled. The need for a smoke was itching me.
"Excuse me?"
I looked up and found a distressed mom with a stroller walking in the other direction.
"Watch it. You're in a children's park." she scolded.
I rolled my eyes and kept walking. I didn't want to busy the bitch.
I don't know how, and I don't know why, but I found myself at a doorstep. I knew I shouldn't be there. Not after what happened with Mikey and me. I guess my mind had the balls to knock on the door because I heard someone walking towards the door.
"Hey Frank, what's up?" the door had opened and the recognizable figure stood in the doorway.
I stood rigid, looking at my feet. "Is...Is Mikey here?" my voice shook
"No. Come inside Frank. You really should. I'll make you some coffee, okay?" the figure urged me inside.
I stood against the kitchen counter as the coffee brewed. The figure hummed some tune as it looked through the fridge.
"Gerard." the name came out as a whisper. My tongue swelled from me trying not to cry. I didn't even know until then that I was on the verge of crying. I was numb the whole walk here. "Gerard." I repeated. Fuck, it sounded like I was begging. I was worthless.
"Hmm?" he turned on his heel and stood when he saw me. "Hey, hey." he grabbed my shoulders with his bony fingers. I felt him wrap his arms around me. I felt him and only him at that time. The whole time I walked here, I didn't feel a thing. For the past few weeks I haven't felt a thing. and now, I am.
I was crying. Tears, running nose, clogged sinuses, aching body, the whole package. I was a mess.
"Shh, shh."
I tried to speak but all that came out were moans and chokes.
"Shh. Shhhh. Don't talk. You don't have to talk." Gerard and I sat on the floor, my back against the cabinets and him enveloping me. A hug from an angel.
