I sat there frozen on the stool. I didn't really know what to think. I didn't know how to process what just happened. Should I say anything? What's Gerard thinking?
"You okay?" Gerard looked at me after calming down.
I just nodded and looked down at my feet. I felt gross. I felt like I wanted to vomit and get rid of the demons that lurked inside me. I felt cold as death. I was shaking. I'm not sure if I was shaking on the outside, but I sure as hell was shaking on the inside.
"Let's get something to drink. I'll tell the others to not wait for us, okay?" Gerard walked off, leaving me to rot on the inside.
"Okay." I said barely audible, but I knew Gerard was gone.
Why was I behaving like this? Why did I feel like this? Am I really taking those insults to heart? Or were they true all along and I'm just now realizing it?
Gerard and I made our way to a coffee shop. I sat down in a booth, still silent and shaken.
"Frank, what's up?" Gerard's voice traveled across the table.
"Nothing." I muttered.
"Frank, tell me." Gerard's feet met mine under the table, making me flinch. Gerard noticed and his eyebrows furrowed.
"I'm just stressed about going back to school after the fall break." I half-lied. It was true, I was scared shitless about what the kids were going to think in the two story building of hell. But that wasn't what was causing my shaking, my numbness.
Gerard seemed to buy it and just sipped his coffee. "We don't have to be public at school if you don't want to." he offered. But I could hear in his voice that he would prefer the opposite.
"I-It's not that. I don't know..." I sighed and got up. "I need a smoke, can we find an alleyway or something?" I looked at Gerard's worried face.
I slumped into the alleyway and leaned against the wall, Gerard across from me. I placed a stick in between my lips, lit it, and handed the pack and lighter to Gerard. I took a long drag and let it out, pinching the bridge of my nose. The nicotine wasn't working this time.
I felt Gerard staring at me with those knowledgeable eyes.
"What are you looking at?" I asked, almost annoyed.
"My beautiful boyfriend that's doubting himself." he looked up at me through his fiery fringe.
The word was foreign to me, "boyfriend".
"Am I your boyfriend?" my eyebrows knotted up. "I'm a shitty boyfriend if you ask me."
"Frank, don't say that." Gerard stepped a little closer.
"But I am! All I am is dirt." I spat at myself. I felt the demons grow bigger, stronger.
"No you're not, Frankie." Gerard forced me into a hug, which I just stood stiff.
I wanted to cry, but my dry eyes didn't let me.
Gerard kept on hugging me until I finally gave in and hugged him back.
"This is new for me too Frank." Gerard admitted.
We made our way home, telling the guys to just come back when they felt like it. I think Damon knew what was going on and kept everybody busy.
I muttered that I was going to take a shower as soon as we opened the front door and made a bee-line to the bathroom. I locked the door, turned the piping hot water on, and stripped down to my ugly body. The water scorched me but I needed it. I needed to clean off the demons and grime. I scrubbed my body raw and washed my hair until my scalp hurt, not caring if the hair dye was running away.
And then I just stood there.
Not thinking. Just standing. Water dripping down my face as I looked into nothing. Maybe if I looked long enough, a black whole would open and swallow me whole.
I eventually stepped out and dried myself off. After slipping on my boxers, I caught myself in the mirror. Lashes blazed across my hips. They had healed over the time I had been with Gerard. Even my arms were looking better. I scrunched up my face in disgust and rummaged under the sink.
Finding what I needed, I did what I was best at.
It hurt like hell to ignite those fires, but it was easier. Before I knew it, I was crying. I was crying silently. Tears ran down off my nose and into the fire, stinging the flames. But I was finally crying.
When I reached into the cupboard again for gauze, I found the box of Band-Aids. I cried even more, remembering Gerard. I ripped one open and placed it on my hip, not that it helped with the bleeding. It was pretty useless actually. Useless like me. I found the gauze and wrapped myself up and slipped my clothes on.
I made my way to Gerard's room, finding him on the bed in pajamas and smoking a cigarette. I climbed on and sat next to him.
"I'm sorry about earlier." my voiced cracked.
"Don't be." Gerard shook his head. "Why are your eyes red?" he asked after a simple silence.
"Shampoo got in them." I lied and reached across Gerard for a cigarette. As I pushed myself back, I felt Gerard place a hand on my face, making me turn.
"Why are your eyes red Frank?"
