Three Cheers for Sweethearts [Frerard AU]

PART III: Chapter 7

                  

CHAPTER 7 – I'M (NOT) OKAY

Seeing Hunter dying over this scene made me remember the exact reason why I had been so nervous in the first place. I should have waited to perform tomorrow! What had gotten into me? The polite applause faded out and Hunter shouted "Fags!" before dashing out of the room.

Everyone in the class went silent. I looked at Frank, who looked like he was either about to punch someone or cry. I felt similarly.

The stunned silence only lasted a few seconds, but the effect was there. Hunter made his little point.

Ray and I maintained eye contact. We had a few extra minutes at the end of class, and when he saw me coming he was already prepared to deliver an answer for the question I hadn't even asked yet. "I'm so sorry, Gerard. Hunter is in my orchestra class and asked where I was going... I told him the bathroom, but he didn't believe me I guess, and so followed me here. I didn't think it would be too bad...!"

Ray looked like he was afraid I was going to hit him or something. That alone was sad to me.

"It's not your fault," I said honestly. "I don't... I don't blame you for anything." While Ray relaxed at that, I spaced out. What exactly it was that I was thinking about, I couldn't say. General worry and slight panic were common themes.

Frank was the first one out of the room when the bell rang, briskly walking away while looking like his head was going to explode. I simply sauntered out of the room, paying more attention to my thoughts than consciously trying to aim my steps the right way.

I'd never felt like this before.

I wasn't sure this feeling had a name. It was a combination of things, and all I knew was I didn't like it.

My heart was pounding and my entire body tense. It was a sense of panic, anticipation, both... Dread? Closer. But there was something else in there too, a feeling that buzzed in the back of my head like a quiet, annoying whine. The only word my brain would supply was "pity."

Dread and pity. Dread for the next few days. The pity might have been self-pity, considering how bad I felt that Hunter had to see all of that. It may have been pity for Ray, who felt so guilty for ruining our day. Pity for Mikey, even, since I had honestly thought having a positive experience with such a forward activity could not only pull him out of his shell, but maybe even start pulling him away from anxiety. Yet all that had happened was we shoved him further in. No doubt.

There was an unidentifiable part of myself, though, that was almost disappointed that I wouldn't perform again. The one performance wasn't satisfying. But I hadn't liked it. What in the world was this?

Tension rose in my throat and for a scary moment I thought I might cry. I forced my way out of my own mind and said aloud to myself, "Live in the present."

I was going to my favorite class of the day. Right? That was good! I could enjoy some peace-

I smiled wryly. Peace? Ha. That wasn't happening. But I could at least try, right?

When I arrived at Drawing, my instructor looked at me expectantly, waiting for the polite request to sit at the back of the room and not pay attention. She didn't hear it that day, though. I needed something – anything – to distract me. I wasn't sure where my mind was wandering, so I needed to put a tighter leash around it before it went somewhere it didn't know was forbidden.

It wasn't all just the idea that Hunter was going to make fun of us, even if it was going to intensify. He did that every day. There was something else about that public humiliation bugging me. Scaring me. I wanted to keep it a mystery.