Three Cheers for Sweethearts [Frerard AU]

PART III: Chapter 19

CHAPTER 19 – (COFFEE'S FOR LOSERS)

Somehow, Ray also avoided the prom question every day that week. I was starting to relax about that the more he talked about himself and Christa and their plans. It took the pressure off of us to decide so fast.

What was I talking about? The decision had already been made.

I ignored him when I walked into Chemistry. My heart rate started to pick up, but I didn't have the energy to try to calm it back down. I was hoping he would ignore me, too, but sadly I could see him out the corner of my eye, trying so hard to catch my attention. His expression was so hopeful. For a half a second, I considered saying yes just to spare his feelings. The thought made me physically flinch, its presence scared me so much. Instead I pretended he didn't exist as I took a seat behind him.

I envisioned going with him, dancing like no one was watching to an upbeat song, and then standing close, holding each other for a slow one. I would have every excuse to stare into his beautiful eyes. I wondered how he danced. I almost wanted to see it. Was he secretly prodigious at it? Or would he trip over my feet when we danced together?

My heart was pounding. Stop these thoughts, I suddenly screamed in my mind, like an alarm with the power to wake me up from the most realistic of dreams. I wasn't attracted to him and I was going to turn down his offer as soon as I got the chance.

Why not say yes? another piece of me mused.

I couldn't afford to entertain the thought. Because I'm saying no.

At lunch Frank informed us that he wouldn't be at tutoring on Fridays anymore.

"Aw, why not?" I asked, trying my best to sound sincerely disappointed. Maybe if I was really nice to him, turning him down wouldn't make him hate me. Of course, maybe I should have been making him hate me so that he changed his mind about going with me. Either way, he'd hate me, though, so why not have a more moral way of making it happen?

"Honestly, I've just kind of lost interest in art. I've kind of lost interest in everything. Nothing personal. You've been a great teacher and everything; I'd just rather go home and sleep off the week."

"Understandable. That's pretty tempting for me, too," Ray laughed. I cracked a smile, but it didn't reach my eyes. That meant one less opportunity for me to fix everything when I'd need to in the future.

Another week went by, and I was still only half alive. I spent more time drawing that weekend probably than I had in the entire month collectively, staying up late and waking up early with no caffeine to fuel me – just adrenaline. I finished the one of me and Ray as superheroes, and finished Mikey off Friday night. Saturday I started and finished a very intricate abstract pattern, consisting of lots of triangles. Sunday, I started at one end of the paper with charcoal and finished at the other end, coating the page in a sheet of black. I considered scratching in something in white, but I didn't want to ruin the perfect smoothness.

But then it reminded me of earlier in the month when I'd done something similar, hoping to see a pretty sexuality flag when I looked down and not finding any answers at all. This time I was just letting my pencil go, too distracted to come up with something creative to depict in a drawing.

***

Monday appeared once again the week of prom. I had to tell him no. I had to. I was literally out of time.

Lunch. Ha. I didn't have an appetite. I was about to burn a bridge I actively cared about keeping up.

"So..." Ray started, his everyday smirk growing onto his face again. "Are you planning to go to prom?"

I had still been hanging onto the hope that we'd already heard the last of that question. Unfortunately, now that Ray had tired himself out from his own love life, I guess I shouldn't have expected anything different.

"Why do you ask this every day?" Maybe I could avoid the question, at least until I could talk to Frank alone.

"Because the answer could change," he shrugged. "You haven't given me a direct yes or no yet."

"I haven't given a few people a direct yes or no yet," I muttered, not thinking anyone would hear me, but Frank must have anyway, because he turned his head to look at me. I pretended I didn't see him.

"Well? Have you decided?" Ray prompted.

There was nothing I could do. A sense of helplessness, and a little pity for Frank, hit me like a blow to the gut, but was over quickly.

I snapped at Ray. "No, I'm not going. My grades aren't very good so I'm grounded."

Frank got very still. Ray nodded. "That sucks. I'll let you know if it's fun."

"Yeah, definitely do. I'll be interested."

I don't know where Ray tried to bring the conversation next, but I became aware that I was turning red, and sweating due to the excess adrenaline. Who knew a couple of words and a white lie could take so much out of someone?

I watched Frank out of the corner of my eye. His movements were slow, and he sort of stopped eating. If he'd thought there was any hope, I'd ruined it.

I'd made the right choice for me. So why did I feel so terrible about it?