Three Cheers for Sweethearts [Frerard AU]

PART IV: Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4 – BOYS/BOYS/GIRLS

No other explanation was convincing enough, even to my own reasoning. This was a crush. A lot of people had been right and I'd just blown it off as impossible.

I had this urge to tell someone that I'd finally found my answer that had been haunting me all semester. But who was there to tell? I couldn't tell Frank – not yet. Not over text; I'd have to wait to see him in person again, hopefully soon. He'd never said when he'd be back. I still found myself mortified at the idea of admitting any of this to him, though, so I quickly pushed that aside. If I told Ray, the entire time I spent trying to open up to him he would spend teasing me about being right, no doubt. Mikey, maybe, but only if fate allowed us a good chunk of time alone. If not... it would drive me mad to leave this realization stuck in my head. I'd start feeling like I was deceiving everyone. The fact is, of course, that no one who I didn't see on a regular basis really cared who I was in love with. No one was interested.

Except... that left one person who would be delighted I'd finally discovered a part of who I was.

***

I didn't want to tell Mr. Burner right away. I couldn't handle telling him that he was right just two days after he'd predicted it.

Thursday came. No Frank.

I watched the door in Chemistry for him to reappear, but he didn't. He was very loudly missing from the room, as he usually was, but this time I understood why. I liked him. I had a huge crush on him and would be comforted simply by knowing he was there.

Now I also knew it wasn't quite anxiety. What I'd been calling anxiety this whole time wasn't the disorder I'd dealt with in the past. It was a different kind. While it was certainly similar, this had just been such an unfamiliar feeling that it had scared me. Like any other hopeless romantic teenager, I was just... nervous. Scared. But put in context of being a little in love with him, it couldn't be more obvious to me. There is a fine line between fear and excessive caring.

Theatre class came and my eyes subconsciously drifted to Frank's empty seat. I tore them away. Before I could change my mind, I approached Mr. Burner at his desk.

"I gave what you said some thought," I started, "and... I'm... Can I talk to you after class?" He was staring right into my eyes, which was too intimidating to allow me to come right out and say it.

"Absolutely, Gerard! I'm here whenever you want to talk something out."

"Thanks," I muttered awkwardly. I was still reluctant to tell him, but someone had to know, and of my options, he was my best one. Especially because he didn't let this one thing consume everything he said and did. He still taught class like usual, not using his suspicions of my love life to dictate when he called on me and things like that. He wasn't obsessed and didn't define me with his theories. He had the ability to act like everything was normal. Still, I wasn't a fan of the idea. Maybe I didn't have to do this yet. Every second that passed was another doubt.

When the bell told us to go to our next class I nearly left the room, hoping Mr. Burner had forgotten that I asked to talk to him. He hadn't.

"Gerard! You wanted to talk? I'll write you another pass."

"Yeah," I mumbled, walking to his desk and sitting back in the chair. "Well, I gave some thought to what you told me on Monday. And honestly, I didn't expect to have an answer so soon, but I guess I've been entertaining the thought in the back of my mind, too, for a while, because I thought so intensely that it all puzzled out in a few days. Does that make sense?"

"Sure. The amount of time it takes to solve a problem sometimes doesn't feel logical, but if you've solved it, that's what matters. Do I get to know what you've discovered?"

He looked so excited and eager to know that I almost laughed. It was too tense of a moment for that to have possibly happened, though. It was tempting to tell him I'd decided Frank was just a close friend, nothing more, but that would be defeating the purpose of starting this conversation in the first place. I'd started it and therefore I'd finish it.

"Right. I... I think I like him."

Mr. Burner raised his eyebrows, prompting me to elaborate.

"I think I'm... interested in him." I am not going to say anything more than that, and he'd better not try to make me.

His smile got bigger. "I'm so glad you figured this out about yourself, Gerard. How did you know?"

And I told him exactly how I knew. As I was talking, it hit me, all at once, how much I truly missed him.

I missed seeing a person occupying the chair at the front and center of US History. I missed his laugh, and I missed hearing his voice talk to me through a smile. I missed the way he could block my view from the board in Chemistry and I missed watching him doodle over his shoulder instead. I missed the way he wore the same outfit every day, like everyone else in the school, but always wanted to straighten his tie so he'd look better than he felt. I missed the way my eyes always wandered his direction, and I missed when they'd actually meet his eyes and we'd have to quickly look away. I missed the notes we used to write in Latin and I missed the way that we never talked about them and I missed the input he had on our lunch conversations and more than anything I missed him saying "hi" as soon as I sat down every single day, without fail. I missed his posture. I missed his eyes. I even missed the crippling fear that came with every encounter that wasn't really fear at all. I missed admiring the way his hair fell on the back of his head and I missed being bothered by the shadows it sometimes cast on his scorpion tattoo. I missed every last detail my mind would provide me with.

I missed having him here. It had been nearly two weeks.

Last time, fate had listened as soon as I'd asked for him back. Maybe it would do it again.