Three Cheers for Sweethearts [Frerard AU]

PART IV: Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3 – DATE FOR A DAY

Tuesday came. No Frank. That left me to my own thoughts. Dangerous. I pushed away every last thought that might bring me to think about him. I wasn't gay. When would everyone stop and realize that? Did I have to elope with a woman right now to prove it? Would that even be enough?

Luckily, Mr. Burner acted like nothing had happened at all yesterday, teaching the class like he normally would. All in all it was an average day, but I couldn't keep pushing my thoughts away forever. They always bounced back.

Wednesday came. No Frank. But Mr. Burner was relentless.

With nothing to do in Theatre class that day, and not at all in the mood to rehearse a monologue like everyone else, I returned to my drawing of Frank. I propped the sketchbook on my lap, resting it against my knees, and went to work, back turned to the rest of the class. I was trying to get his jawline right, but even the massive amount of time I'd spent staring at him wasn't enough for me to know precisely where to set my pencil on the paper. Soon I found myself enveloped in the fear that I'd forget what he looked like entirely. I hadn't taken enough pictures of him. I hadn't valued my time with him at all. Now that he was gone (and who really knew if he'd be back?) I wanted more than anything to remember his face the way that it was, no matter the expression that came with it. For some reason my eyes started to burn.

"They say a picture is worth a thousand words," a voice boomed from over my shoulder, scaring me out of my skin, "but that doesn't look like a monologue to me."

I slammed the cover of my sketchbook shut and gripped the spine tightly, like I was afraid he could see through the cover if I didn't. I glared at Mr. Burner. He smiled guiltily. "I gave you an assignment, Gerard!" he singsonged. But then he unexpectedly lowered his voice so that only I could hear him. "I understand that this is hard for you. You miss him, as a friend or otherwise. I'm willing to extend your deadline if you think that will help anything."

"Thanks, but I don't miss him," I grumbled, turning away from him.

"That drawing did look an awful lot like a certain absent student, Gerard," he said, gesturing to my closed sketchbook. Of course he saw it.  "Most people don't draw other people without them knowing unless they can't stop thinking about them. Sound familiar?"

I sighed. He was trying so hard to push his little theory at me in a gentle way that I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

"Okay, so say I was gay. Theoretically."

"Yes?" Mr. Burner's eyes only lit up with more intensity. True intimidation from a smiling man.

"Well, if I was theoretically into him..." Suddenly the question I was about to ask sounded more than theoretical, but I was hungry for an answer. "Do you think Frank would be weirded out by this?" I tapped the cover of my sketchbook with the nubby eraser of my pencil. I rubbed at the marks it left with my finger.

"Knowing this kid, he'd be more than flattered."

I let a smile flicker on my face for a second. Mr. Burner didn't let his eyes wander from me until another student called him over. Leaving me hanging wasn't great of him, I didn't initially think, but I found I was glad to have the space.

I put my sketchbook away only to pull it back out ten minutes later in Drawing. I flipped to the picture of Frank, but then couldn't bring myself to make progress on it. Instead I flipped to a blank page with no intention to make a single mark on it. I just had to look busy.

Staring at that page, I thought mostly about sexuality. Sure, I didn't need a label, but if I could find something that sounded like me, I would be a step closer to figuring out what in the world was between Frank and me.

I knew all the definitions just from being a citizen of the internet. But what qualified as "romantic attraction?" I'd had my moments of infatuation over girls before, but passing crushes might not count. Did celebrity crushes count either?

Maybe I was too young to be thinking about this. I'd never dated anyone, so how would I know what was love and what was just some sort of heart malfunction? Could I possibly know without experience?

Frustrated, I stopped trying. I'd date who I'd date and marry who I'd marry, so it didn't seem necessary to decide who qualified right now.

Did Frank qualify?

I envisioned it. Talking to Frank comfortably, knowing he was my boyfriend. Knowing that all the mixed signals were in the past, because I knew exactly what he intended by his words and his actions now. Going out on weekends, just the two of us, to get lunch and have a nice conversation. Getting to know him better and him getting to know me. Staying up until two in the morning texting him. Saying "good night" every night before sleeping and both of us promising to stay alive to see the other in the morning. Random phone calls and random kisses and random compliments and driving Hunter completely insane.

Wow. Was that an option?

Now I tried putting a girl there. My mind couldn't pick a specific girl, but that gave more leeway on her personality type.

Talking to her comfortably. Going out on weekends to have a conversation. Getting to know each other better. Staying up late to text and saying good night every night. Random phone calls and random kisses and random compliments and Hunter... bullying her, too, probably, assuming he wouldn't give up on me and Frank.

With a random, unnamed girl, though, it was harder to imagine. It sounded so mundane and average that it didn't even feel like it could be genuine. I couldn't even come up with a specific girl I knew that I wanted to take out on a date.

I went back to the idea of dating Frank. I'd tried to think of him as a brother before, but that had faded quickly – I couldn't even convince myself that was how I'd felt. When you consider who you'd take a bullet for, of course your family is high on that list, but when I'd thought about it all those weeks ago – walking home on a Friday when Mikey and I had talked, really talked, for the first time in a while – Frank had been up there, too. At the time I thought it was because I thought of him as family, but that had never been the case. At least, not in a sibling-like way. Maybe it was in a different way. Right?

As terrified as I wanted to be at the thought, as horrified as I thought I should have been, I just... wasn't. It felt like dating him would solve all this faster than staying friends or cutting ties could.

It sounded right.