The Nightmare Has Only Begun

Chapter Eighteen

(Jonhathan)

"Six simple words." I mumble to myself sitting outside in the dark passed midnight. No one else is awake and I can't sleep in there. I can't shut my eyes and fall asleep because of what I said.

Six simple words in recent weeks have acknowledged what I didn't want to. It has also brought everything up I didn't want to bring back up to haunt me. Playing out in my nightmares each night of true memories I blocked out. I didn't want to acknowledge the truth and remember the past of every horrible scene and action Jared caused. I didn't want to go back to the attic at fifteen years old recalling everything.

The terror in his dark eyes trying to convince me to give in because I wasn't going to leave. Loneliness in the dark enclosed attic where he held the key to leave. I was stuck with one window too small to escape out of. I had nowhere to go. No one to scream for help to save me from someone I hardly knew. I was trapped a few miles out of town in the middle of what seemed like nowhere.

It was nowhere.

I was scared and had no idea what was going to happen to me every single day to pass. I had fear course through me when I heard the keys jiggling down below and the stairs to the attic were released. Fright might be a better word to use for the feeling I felt in that exact moment of each step he took of what he might have planned for the day.

Time went by slowly, too slowly with thoughts of leaving to get back home went away. I figured if I wasn't wanted before I left what would make a difference now?

No one cared about me. No one tried to care and be my friend. I was alone when I was at home living a normal life before being thrown in the attic and honestly it made no change in my mood. I didn't want to live either way with little reason. I was almost waiting for my life to be over thinking to myself this is what I get. I don't deserve to live and no one will care when I die.

His hands touching my body, violating me while my body betrayed me. I hated what he was doing to me. I avoided his kisses but after a while I lost hope. I decided to give in and pretend. I needed him to believe I could love him all I needed was for him to show me.

Then he hurt me and somewhere after finding out I was pregnant with Jayden I fell for everything he said. I fell too far into pretending when deep down I hated him for keeping me like a prisoner in his house for months. He broke me down and I didn't fight it. I didn't try to get away when he began to show me love. He showed me kindness and I fell for everything because it had to be true.

I shake my head, 'No, it's not true.' I look up from the ground at the sky.

I keep telling myself, trying  to reason rational thoughts not make believe lies I want to believe. All of it has been lies right? Telling myself stories Jared told me were true for years. I trusted him. I loved him. I spent six years with him and no one else. I knew nothing else why wouldn't I believe every word he says?

My words, my mouth does worse damage by speaking out loud to those I shouldn't trust? They don't love me me but they keep saying they do. Why? Why is Jared in trouble if I think he's a good person and done nothing wrong? Why am I alone with conflicted feelings towards everyone involved? Why does it have to be this way?

I don't know how I got to this point after months of being here. I told myself what they are saying isn't true. I denied it from the beginning even saying here is worse than it was there. I didn't want to give into anything they said because it couldn't be true. It isn't true when everything they have been saying about Jared is wrong. None of it is the way I see him and that's all that matters. He's not the bad person in this, they are but no one sees it the way I do. No one can after what I said out loud recently a few weeks ago.