Higher

Chapter 9

As I laid in bed, I reached over and felt the empty sheets stretch on. I was tangled in blankets and cuddling a pillow and not positive how to feel about my situation.

I wasn't sure what to expect from Theo but it definitely wasn't a bed to myself while completely naked. 

Opening my eyes I saw the light streaming in and the room also bare. For a few seconds I just aimlessly played with the loose string of the pillow as I thought about how to feel about this.

Was I angry I woke up alone?

Was I scared that perhaps he regretted it and left?

Perhaps, he still wasn't ready for sex and realized that when he woke up.

I wanted to wake up to him and those beautiful blue eyes staring down at me. I wanted him to tell me I was pretty even with no make-up and messy hair. I wanted his morning voice to tell me he loved me again.

I guess that was the problem though. Theo wasn't someone who would abide by my wishes, he had his own actions and thoughts.

I knew it wasn't going to be easy or perfect but I couldn't help but want it.

Slowly, I got out of bed and took a sheet with me to find some clothes. My back was sore but it had healed a lot, plus we were very careful last night to not hurt it. Which was incredibly difficult and I ended up just saying fuck it so though it hurt, it hurt considerably less than I thought it would.

After changing I went to the bathroom to try and figure out how to handle my predicament. Though I tried to convince myself that I was thinking of how to talk to Theo once I saw him, I was more stalling the inevitable. 

I thought last night was good, great even. Why am I feeling so guilty about it?

See, if Theo had just woken up with me then I wouldn't have to go through all this uncertainty.

I hate feeling insecure and I hate not knowing how another person is feeling. I hate that someone has so much control over me.

With a deep breath I left the safety of the bathroom and made my way down the hall to the kitchen. At the end of the hall was a balcony though, and I noticed that the doors were open and someone was just standing there looking over it.

The person was Theo obviously, the right build and height.

I was tempted to just go downstairs and leave him to think about whatever he was thinking about.

Like I said before though, I wanted this to work, no matter how scary it could be.

"Theo?" I asked, quiet enough for it to not completely disturb the peace but loud enough for him to hear me.

He turned his head to the side slightly at the sound of his name but then faced outside again.

Carefully I walked until I was standing beside him at the balcony.

It was a gorgeous view, a house every so often but mostly trees and hills for miles.

We didn't say anything for a long time. I couldn't even begin to guess what it was he was thinking. Some part of me hoped he was thinking on how to explain to me how much he loved me or something.

The bigger side of me was convinced he was just trying to figure out a way to kick me out of his house.

"You okay?" I asked, trying to get something, anything, from him. Some indication about what he was feeling.

Theo then stepped back, put his elbows on the railing and his head in his hands. He didn't respond to my question but simply stayed in that position. 

Once I realized that would be my answer I slowly backed away from the balcony. "Alright then."

I was prepared to walk out of the house, accept his decision and try not to cry about it.

But it is never that easy now is it.

"Wait."

Theo was now upright and staring at me with those sad blue eyes. They reminded me of a certain 13 year old that was terrified of the person he was supposed to call father and angry at the people supposed to be his family.

"I just... I... That was your first time wasn't it?"

I nodded and just decided to patiently wait for a sign that this conversation was going to go one way or another. I didn't know what to expect honestly.

"Your first time was in a shower, after crying, and realizing you could have lost everyone... what type of person am I do that to you?" Theo appeared to be remorseful about a situation that I didn't even realize was the problem.

I smiled at him and took a step toward where he was. His shoulders sagged as he watched me stop within arms distance to him.

"My first time was never about the situation, I couldn't care less about the day or time. I never wanted candles or carefully planned out music playing throughout it. I just wanted it to be with someone I loved, so I say last night was extremely successful."

Theo slowly became happier and happier until the smile on his face was so big I thought he would pull a muscle.

Within seconds he pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me.

"I love you." He whispered into my ear, making sure that his hold was tight and I wouldn't be able to move.

Smiling along with him, I wrapped my arms around him and embraced his tight hold. It was like all my broken pieces were slowly coming back together. "I love you too."

It wasn't perfect, nor did I ever expect it to be. This wasn't something that was going to be easy. I would always be unsure but I think for him, it would be worth it.

And all the questions and the problems that came with him.

The pack not being able to accept him, trying to fix everything after the Asura attack, dealing with both of our insecurities, figuring out how to accept everything that happened with Kieran.

It was a mess...

But he was worth it.

The End