This Would Be Paradise (Book 3)

Chapter 14

I spent the rest of the day avoiding people and drowning in my own head. Obsessing about how many people I'd killed and how easy it had become was starting to take a toll on me. I rubbed at my eyes and propped down in the lawn chairs behind my condo, continuing to stare at the tall brick fence separating us from the outside. It was getting dark as the sun set for the night.

Using the bricks as a distraction, I started counting them. I gave up at number eighty-seven as the dark thoughts crept back in. I'd lost count of how many people I'd killed. When had it become easy to shoot a living person? Maybe this is why John had stopped me with Byron. He knew it was a slippery slope. At first it was people who had deserved it, but then what happened when the area of 'deserving it' went from black and white to grey? Would I eventually end up killing someone I shouldn't?

I stood up and kicked over the chair I had just vacated. This was painful to think about. I decided to go for a stroll as most people would be tucked away in their condos by now. Maybe that would help distract me better than counting had. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep right now anyways. I felt wired, like I had slept too much the day before and thus couldn't sleep tonight. I used to do that in university. Sleep from midnight till noon and then that night was hell to try to sleep.

Everything on the street was quiet except for the few sounds of bugs. After a few more paces, my ears picked up on something that wasn't the noise of crickets, but sounded like banging doors. I followed the noise up to the back portion of the clubhouse, which is where the kitchen was housed. Taking my gun from my waistband, I inched up close to the window. After what happened with Wyatt, I was never going to go unarmed in here again. I'd learned my lesson-never let your guard down, ever.

Someone was rooting around in the cupboards with a flashlight. The beam bounced to the window and I ducked down to avoid whoever it was seeing me. Staying crouched, I snuck around to the back door which was wide open. I crossed the threshold and stood still to listen. Judging from the rustling, they were off to the left. I took a deep breath and rounded the counter.

"Hold still!" I yelled.

The figure dropped their bag and it crashed to the floor. Tin cans rolled out and smacked the bottom of the counters. They were trying to steal our food. The flashlight pointed right at me.

"Bailey?" It was Lucas.

I didn't lower my gun. For all I knew, he had a weapon too. "What are you doing, Lucas?"

He didn't respond right away, but instead reached down for his bag.

"Uh-uh," I said. "We didn't invite you hear so you could steal from us."

He straightened back up without his sack. "I'm not stayin'. I just need a little food to get me started."

"You got somewhere to go back to?" I asked.

"No," he said with a hint of venom. "I just ain't stayin' here."

"Why not?"

"I don't belong here."

I lowered my gun, but still kept it in hand. "Why do you think that? Everyone's been pretty welcoming to you guys."

Even with just the flashlight, I could see the smirk on his face. "Yeah, it's kinda creepy. Ain't no people this nice in the apocalypse."

"I ... agree, but now that Wyatt and his goons are going to be out of the picture, this place is going to get a lot better," I said. It was funny how much Lucas sounded like me when I first got to Hargrove.

"Whatever. Keep your food." Lucas rushed past me to the back door but I grabbed onto his arm.

He ripped his arm out of my grip and turned to scowl at me. Even through his shirt fabric, I could feel the gnarled scar tissue from the infected bites.

"Don't do that again," he grated through his clenched teeth.

I held up my hands. "I won't. I just think you should stay, that's all."

"Yeah? Why's that?" he challenged.

"You said it yourself, you don't have anywhere else to go. It's a death sentence out there when you're by yourself."

He took a few steps so that he was right in front of me so I could see the elevator eyes he was giving me. "That the only reason?"

He was trying to be lewd to throw me off. I poked his chest with my finger. "Please, when has being a dick ever actually kept people out? It never works for me."

His head knocked back. "You a therapist or somethin'? Or do you just enjoy goin' 'round spewin' advice?"

"I'm very far from being prepared to deal with other people's issues. I can barely handle my own shit, but I just happen to do the same thing as you."

We stood staring each other down for so long that I thought we'd be here until the sun came up. I was getting tired of the intense silence so I finally spoke up.

"I'm going to level with you, me asking you to stay is for purely selfish reasons. Right now we need as many competent people as we can get. Could you stay just for a while longer until the unrest settles?"

He looked around the kitchen as if searching for a reason to say no, then let out a huge sigh. "Fine, but it's only temporary. And you have to let me take a few things when I do leave."

"Sounds fair." I held out my empty hand and we shook on it. "Now put that stuff back." I pointed to the sack lying on the floor. I helped him to make it quicker and then made sure he left the clubhouse kitchen.

Lucas nodded at me and took off for the condo he had been assigned. I had no idea if he would keep his word, but I hoped he did. I put my Beretta back into my waistline and headed back towards my condo to try and turn in for the night. I didn't want to deal with anymore crap today, especially after my existential crisis. But of course the universe had other plans for me. When I got back, I found Ethan sitting on the steps.

He had a lantern beside him and when he looked up, I could see the pain in his eyes. I debated running away, but that would be a stupid move. I knew we would have to eventually hash this out-I just didn't want to do it right now.

"I really don't want to do this right now, Ethan," I scowled. I tried to get past him but he blocked my way.

"Please, Bailey," he begged. "I need you to know how sorry I am."

"There, you've said it, now move."

He took a deep breath. "Not until we talk this through."

I shocked both of us when I shoved him backwards. His arms flailed but he didn't fall or move out of my way.

"Move."

"No."

Then I punched him in the shoulder. He grunted, but didn't do anything. He kept his arms dead at his sides.

"I will make you move," I threatened.

"I'll willingly move if you just hear me out."

"There's nothing to hear, Ethan! You sold me out!" He winced at my words. It was more of a reaction than when I had hit him.

"I had no idea, I thought they were good guys!" he finally said back.

"Fuck you. I told you they were bad people, but you didn't listen! And it wasn't your secret to share. Go absolve your guilt somewhere else." I stabbed my finger into his chest.

His hand wrapped around mine gently, but I yanked it free.

"Bailey, I'm sorry."

I was about to yell some more when I picked up the heavy scent of smoke.

"You smell that?" I asked, taking a step away from the stoop. Ethan stuck his nose in the air and sniffed.

"Something's burnin'."

We rushed into the street. One of the condos near the front was engulfed in flames and a bunch of smaller fires littered the area by the gate.

"Go find Henry and the others!" I yelled at him, already sprinting for John's condo.