Wild Magic One: By the Light of the Moon-- A Wolf Shifter M/M Romance

21- Broken

**I'm not even going to do trigger warnings anymore. If you're still reading... you made it past the worst of it...

EDON

With each word, I felt myself digging my own grave. How could he ever want to fuck me now? Now that he knew I was used, dirty, broken? He would throw me away now, and I knew that with confidence with each word. But it was like vomit— once I started I couldn't stop. I couldn't halt the words spewing from my mouth, describing the disgusting way I had lived my entire life.

And then he was leaping from the bed to get away from me, to throw up in the chamber pot, and the earth shattered beneath me.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see anymore. I couldn't hear anything past his hacking into the pot. I had to escape. I couldn't stay there anymore. I couldn't bear to see his look of disgust, his words demanding I leave and never return. His horror when he remembered how he had touched me, kissed me, almost been inside of me.

Dirty. Used. Disgusting.

I gasped in a few breaths, leaping from the bed. My only thought was escape, but I couldn't shift. My heart shattering in my chest was too much for my wolf, and he was hiding deep in my mind. Even when I tried to call for him, he only whined in return.

I slammed against the door, scrabbling for the doorknob, when I heard him call my name. I cried out, yanking the door open before he was able to reach for me. I had thought he wouldn't hurt me, but he was so angry at me for allowing him to touch me when I knew how dirty I was, I feared he wanted to make sure I knew I had made a mistake. He would punish me for daring to believe that he could want me. For daring to believe I was anything more than a whore, filth, trash. Everything Master had ever called me.

I almost tripped on Robert, who stared at me as if I had grown a second head. I held back another sob as Lhiam called my name again. And then he was yelling for Robert, and the guard was reaching for me, and I screamed out in defiance and leapt back. I still couldn't shift, but my human legs would just have to do.

I ran down the hall at a full sprint, but a heavy force slammed into me before I had managed a dozen steps, knocking my breath from me as Lhiam's scent hit my nostrils. He yanked my hands up, pressing them to the wall above me with only one of his big palms, caging me in with his body. He glared down at me, fury in his eyes. Fury and desperation and agony.

"Please, Master," I sobbed, shaking my head and trying to escape his hold. But he held me so tightly I flinched at his heavy hands. "Please, let me go. I'll go. You don't have to... Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry..." I continued, but Lhiam only began to drag me back to his room with both of my wrists encircled in one of his big hands.

"Leave now, Robert," he commanded, and then the door was shutting behind him, Robert's concerned eyes watching me just as the door closed him out.

Lhiam let me fall to the ground, releasing me with a sigh. I crumpled, curling around myself, trying to make as small a target as I could.

"Look at me, Edon," he whispered. I froze as my mind began to clear. His hands on my face dragged me up until I was forced to stare into his eyes. "I can't control the anger or the disgust you feel from me, Edon, but I can tell you it is not directed at you. Please look into my eyes, sweetheart. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry that I scared you again. Please, sweetheart. Please don't leave me."

I forced my eyes to meet his, and what I saw had me drawing back in confusion. He looked pained. Like I had hurt him somehow. I cast my mind back, trying to remember if I had lashed out and hit him, but my panicked state had left my mind empty except for the need to escape, so I could barely remember having run in the first place.

Why couldn't I stop hurting him?

"What you said, about being... about being dirty. Being a whore. When you said it, I heard it in their voices. I wasn't hearing you, I was hearing them. And I couldn't stop from being sick. I do not think you are dirty. I think you are loving and kind and a hundred other beautiful things. Dirty is not a descriptor that could ever be used to describe you."

I shook my head, unsure what he wanted from me. Just because he was being kind about what he had heard changed nothing. There was no way he could still want me. Not after everything I had told him— everything I had done to other men. That I had let them do to me so the pain would stop.

"I think we should talk about some things," he whispered, and I knew. He was going to get rid of me. He was so kind, he wouldn't beat me. He wouldn't be angry at me for lying. But I couldn't stay. And I especially couldn't stay with him the way we had been. He must be so disgusted just touching me now. 

"Please Lhiam," I gasped, daring to clutch at his tunic with frantic fingers. "Please let me stay. I want to be here. Near you. I don't want to leave. Please, Lhiam. I understand that you don't want to fuck me anymore, not with everything I told you, but let me stay. I won't ever come near you as a human. I will stay a wolf all the time; I just want to be here with you."

"Edon, I don't think you could possibly understand what I'm feeling right now. For the second time in a matter of days, the man I'm falling in love with has gone into a full panic, terrified I was going to hurt him. And now he's telling me he'll never let me see his exquisite body or his stunning soul again.

"Why do you think I'm going to send you away? Love, how could I possibly send away my heart? How could I force you to leave, when you would be taking the other half of my heart and soul with you?"

Lhiam paused, shaking his head as he stood and moved away from me. I stared up at him, dumbfounded. Had I heard him right? No, it wasn't possible. I was a plaything. A bed warmer for him to pleasure himself, but only for a time. Until he found someone else, another toy, or he married a woman with royal blood. Then I would be forgotten.

So why would he say those things? Why was he being so cruel? He could have my body anytime, even if I didn't desire it. Why was he demanding my heart and soul as well?

"Edon, you are always free to go. I'll never hold you prisoner. I stopped you from running just now because I feared you would hurt yourself in your panic to escape, but I will never keep you against your will. If you want to go, you are free to. But know that I don't want you to go.  And I'll even go so far as to beg. Stay with me, my love." He turned to me, and his eyes were dark, agonized, and wet with unshed tears. "Please don't leave me. I love you. I love you so much, little wolf."