Wild Magic One: By the Light of the Moon-- A Wolf Shifter M/M Romance

30- My Heart, My Soulmate

LHIAM

I made it back to the keep only because Robert held the reins of my horse the entire way back. I was almost surprised to feel my heart still pounding in my chest. I didn't know someone could survive with it beating so brokenly, with its pieces shattered and bleeding inside of them.

I had thought he had reservations. I had thought he was afraid because he was young and everything was new to him and his past held him back. But I hadn't ever really doubted his feelings. Especially not since the first time we made love in my room. Not since that first time he opened his body to mine.

Gods, how wrong I had been.

Not only had Edon never loved me in the first place, he had merely been putting up with me. He had endured my affection, my touch, because of... what? I still didn't understand. Pity, or gratitude for saving him. It boiled down to those options, and both had me wanting to spew everything in my stomach across my horse's back. I had taken a boy who had never really known love, family, a gentle touch, freedom, and manipulated him into a sexual relationship, convincing myself he felt things for me, and then pushed him to the point where his only option was to run away from me in the middle of the night.

But there was no mistaking that last night, with his thick knot filling me as he claimed me for his own. What had that been, if not some semblance of feeling?

Days went by, and I knew I was acting ridiculously. I had known the boy for a few weeks, a little more than a month at most. No matter what I convinced myself I felt for him, it wasn't possible. Because love couldn't exist only one way. Love had to be mutual, or it wasn't truly love.

I kept to my room as much as possible, although I rarely slept, a bottle of rum continuously beside me by the fire as I stared into it, tears pouring down my pathetic face as each of my dreams of my imaginary future with Edon went up in the smoke of the flames.

Each future kiss. Each future moment of bliss as I woke to his stunning face in the bed beside mine. Each breath of laughter as we lay in each other's arms. Each vacation, with our adopted children, little boys and girls brought into our makeshift family and cared for and loved and protected by a man and a wolf.

I avoided Tate and Lacy, because I knew both would have words of comfort or condolence, and I couldn't bear to hear either. I left my room only to attend council meetings, and even those I barely spoke and I listened not at all. Stefan convinced me to entertain the visiting princess, although he had to remind me of her name seven times before we even reached the garden. I went only because there was no reason for me not to. After Edon, I wasn't sure if I could ever fall in love again, so I had myself almost convinced that I could marry the woman just so I wouldn't have to deal with my damn councilors and their damn demands.

When I moved into the garden, the same one I had brought Edon's cage to the first day I met him, the same one we had first made love in, where I had first kissed him, I almost lost my breakfast. But I held it in, bowed to the woman, and then tried not to stare at the tree where I had leaned back as Edon thrust his body against mine and brought us both relief.

I didn't even remember our conversation, but I know I angered the woman. Probably with my silence and refusal to even look at her as I stared at the tree and thought of Edon's body writhing above me, discovering pleasure as he bit my neck to keep from screaming his orgasm to the heavens.

Lacy managed to track me down after a few days— weeks, maybe? I wasn't sure anymore. It was only after I had broken down in front of a group of people that she came to find me. I had been wandering back from the garden with the princess, my mind on the bottle of rum next to my fire in my room. And the children from the school ran up to greet me.

And Tay, the child Edon had taken such a strong liking to, ran up to me, grabbed my legs, and happily began babbling.

"Doggie! Doggie! Where doggie?"

I could feel the tears pouring down my face, but I couldn't stop them. I shook my head, gently pried the child from my knees, and escaped as quickly as I could.

Lacy found me staring into the fire, the empty bottle of rum at my feet, another half full on the table beside me.

I could hear her words, but they weren't processing. I turned from the fire, from the images of Edon dancing in the flames, taunting me with the unanswered questions he had left behind. With the knowledge that I was no better than any of the other men he had been forced to endure throughout his short life.

"Lhiam, you're scaring me, please!" Lacy's voice cried, and suddenly her tear-streaked face was there, right in front of me.

"Lacy," I whispered, my voice hoarse.

"Lhiam, Edon is gone, but I'm still here. Edon left us both. He was my friend, Lhiam. Don't you leave me, too. You're all I have left."

I stared into the girl's eyes, barely registering that she was crying her heart out, her little hands clenching my fists in her own, rubbing them as if to warm them. The ring I was clutching in my hand, the ring I had carried with me for days, scratched at her and I knew she knew what it was.

"He was... he was my heart, Lacy," I gasped, feeling the hot tears scorch down my face. "He was my one and only. I can't... I don't know how to live without him. I'm afraid he was the only one... my soulmate."

Lacy sobbed, digging her face into my palms, nodding silently. "I know. I know, Lhiam."

"How do I live when my heart doesn't work right anymore? How can I continue to breathe when each breath is this painful? How do I go on, when he took so much of me with him?"

"Lhiam, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Why didn't he love me, Lace?" I gasped out, the words burning on my tongue. "Why couldn't he love me?

"I hurt him. Why didn't he just tell me he didn't... he didn't want me? I would never have... I have nightmares about how he must have felt when we were... when he was with me. I can't even sleep for them. Lace, I'm a monster. He didn't want me, and I pushed him. I forced him—"

"— No, Lhiam," she hissed, slapping both of her little palms against my cheeks and forcing my eyes to her. "I can't pretend to understand why he ran. I don't know why he didn't choose to stay. But you are a good man, Lhiam. And you would never force someone that way. He wanted you, or he would never have— "

"It was all he knew, Lacy," I growled, knowing this wasn't a conversation I should be having with the girl. But she was so smart, so mature, and I knew her knowledge of the world would probably anger me if I knew its extent. "It was all he knew, and I made him feel indebted to me. He felt he owed me— " I gagged, close to vomiting up the nothing I had eaten.

Which made me realize I couldn't remember when I had eaten last. Gods I must look a sight.

We were interrupted by Robert and Cain knocking and coming into the room without waiting for either of us to answer.

"Your Highness!" Robert gasped excitedly. "Edon! Nibs and Dasan found him in the woods outside the keep, near Lake Sixmore. He's injured, sire."

The relief was only outmatched by the agony as I stood and, Lacy clutching at my hand, made my way down to Gerard's study.