Warmth

Chapter Nine

CW: suicide.
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It is now 5 April 2013. Things had calmed down for L and Light in the past few weeks. Light's father was no more accepting than before, but he no longer voiced his distaste at L and Light's relationship. The two were glad they could be more open about their relationship now that everyone new. They often sneaked in quick kisses when they came in for work every morning and during breaks. The only one left to tell was Misa.

"When are you going to tell her?" L asked.

"Huh?" Light responded, baffled.

"Misa," L clarified. "When are you going to tell her about us?"

"I don't know," Light replied with a sigh. "I don't know how she'd handle it. I really don't need any more negativity right now."

"I think you should tell her. She deserves to know the truth. That's one less secret to keep."

One less secret, Light thought. If only he knew... No, wait. It would be awful if my L-kun found out about the Death Note. He believes me when I say I'm not Kira. If he finds out... He'll leave me. He'll never trust me again. He'll hate me forever. Dammit, why did I agree to keeping this damned Death Note?!

"Darling?" L's voice is gentle, concerned.

"Hmmm?"

"Is something wrong?"

"No... Why?"

"I've been trying to get your attention for the past ten minutes, but you seemed to be off in Lala Land... What's on your mind?"

"Nothing; I'm fine," Light replied, beginning to stand. "I'm going to get some water. Do you want anything?"

"No; I'm--" L's sentence is cut off by something falling from under Light's shirt.

Usually, Light left the Death Note in a drawer in his room. Today, however, he'd been planning on using it, so he carried it with him under his shirt. His shirt had come halfway untucked, causing the Death Note to fall from up under it when he stood.

Dammit! Light thought.

"Darling, what's that?" L asks, voice shaky.

"What?" Light replied nervously, bending down to pick up the Death Note with shaking hands.

"Is that... the Death Note?"

"Uh... uhm... No?"

"Light! You said you weren't Kira. You promised! How... How could you... I can't." L starts toward the door, tears running down his cheeks.

"L..."

"Don't! Okay? Just don't. I don't want to hear what you have to say. In fact, I never want to hear your voice again. Just go. Forever. Leave me alone and never come back. Ever."

"L, wait!" Light called after L, who had already turned the corner at the end of the hall.

***

"Ryuzaki? What the...? Hey, are you crying?"

"Leave me alone, Matsuda. I don't wanna talk about it." L pushed past Matsuda and made his way up to the roof.

L climbed out onto the roof, locking the door behind him. He just wanted to be alone. He needed to be alone.

He walked to the edge and sat down, staring out at the city around him: bright lights, tall buildings, and hundreds of cars speeding by like ants hundreds of feet below him. He was left with his thoughts and his pain.

Why did I have to be so stupid? L thought as he rolled up his sleeves and took out his lighter. How could I ever have believed that anyone could love me or care about me enough to tell me the truth? How could he do this to me? He promised he wasn't Kira. And I believed him. It's all my fault for believing him. I never should have done this.

L could feel the pain as he watched the flames licking his skin. He blew them out quickly, only to set fire to more of it.

I swore I'd never trust anyone again. I swore I'd never get my heart away. I swore that I would never let anyone get close to me because I knew I'd just get hurt. So why was I stupid enough to do this? Why did I throw away everything I've ever known for one guy who didn't even care. There's no such thing as love, and I never should have pretended there was.

The tears had stopped and the Numbness had set in. L could feel himself shutting down into the emotionless, calculating shekl he had been before Light. He would be the Before, forget the During and have no After. He would be nothing, just as he used to be.

***

"L," Light called, running down the hallway. "L! Matsuda, have you seen L?"

"Yeah; why? What happened between you two?"

"I fucked up."

"You fucked up last time," Watari commented. "This seems much worse."

"I royally fucked up," Light clarified. "I made the fucking royal flush of fuck-ups and now my boyfriend hates me and I think he actually broke up with me and... No, I'm sure he broke up with me and I did the worst thing ever and... and... and..."

Light couldn't continue. He was nearly choking on his own tears. He collapsed onto his hands and knees, sobbing. Tears ran down his cheeks. He couldn't hold himself together anymore; it was all too much. Everything felt like it was about to explode from the inside out. He found himself breathing heavily; it was hard to catch his breath. His vision was going black and his mind was racing. Somewhere deep in his mind, he realised that he was having another panic attack. He was dimly aware of the voices around him.

"Light?" Matsuda's voice held so much concern. Just like how L's used to do...

"Light!" His father's voice. He couldn't breathe. He was choking. Good. Let me die. I don't want to live without L.

He thought he heard more voices around him, but all the voices had dulled to a low buzz. Finally, Darkness enveloped him. He welcomed it. The pain ceased. He felt himself drifting away...