Running With Scissors

The Astoundingly Foolish Life Of James Truman-Conelly. Brought to You by Wendy's

To talk about James Truman-Conelly, Esq, is to talk about a series of poor life choices paired with incredible luck.

According to him, his troubles began since the moment he was born. His parents were popsicle makers, with their biggest flavor, Sour cream and Garlic, voted the hottest flavor in Greece from 1987 to 1992, making them millions of Drachmas. It is important to note that Drachmas were nearly useless in US dollars, and they couldn't meet the demands, having to sell their assets just to survive.

One of those assets was their son, James Truman-Conelly, who they sold to a cult who praised Sobek, Egyptian God of The Nile river. It was a difficult moment for young James, who thanks to the strict adherence of the cult to only eat raw frogs and Gatorade, grew up to be quite skinny. Other than that, the cult sought to give him the best education a bunch of Alligator-Headed God lovers could provide.

Of course, they sent him to the University of Florida, the most important Reptile-related university in America, where he quickly developed an addiction to smelling scratch-and-sniff stickers, especially the grape ones. He would often break into convenience stores and party supply stores only to get his fix.

One day, on a scratch-and-sniff induced munchies, he ran out of frog legs. Now, James Truman-Conelly never dared to break the commandments of his lord and savior Sobek(May His waters shower us with eternal joy), but he was desperate for something to eat.

That's when he found the love of a new lord: Wendy's.

Her meaty, Asiago Ranch© goodness. Her tender, yet refreshing Apple Kiwi Fruit Tea©. He prayed for her sweet Chicken Tenders©. He couldn't get enough of it. James Truman-Conelly loved it so much that, after a certain indecent affair at a Wendy's, he was thrown to prison,  where he studied to get his law degree.

In a surprising Five against Two ruling, the Supreme Court upheld his constitutional right to marry a Baconator©, thus setting a precedent in the United States Laws that the Republican still try to dismiss to this day, much to First Lady McWopper's dislike.

To make matter worse, that Supreme Court scuffle drained him financially, and in a sad attempt at survival, he ate his Baconator© wife. He sold his story to an editorial, and his book, "Why Men Like It Grilled: How I Learned To Ignore The Calories And Embrace Freshness", was a New York Times' Best Seller for weeks. But just like an Apple Pecan Chicken Salad©, it was too good to be true.

He was soon diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. The diet recommended? White meat with fibers and something to replenish electrolytes. Back to frogs and Gatorade.

But he knew the truth—He couldn't just go back to Sobek's diet(May his Gator snout eat the stars and spit the planets), so he still sneaked a few nuggets here and there. He always kept a few in his bag as a treat for good behavior like the world's fattest Pavlovian experiment.

That particular day, his doctor had said to him that his treatment was going nice and that he could afford a few treats. Of course, he didn't even wait to be outside the hospital to indulge in his fast food addiction. The only safe place he could think of eating his tasty nuggets was the emergency staircase. There, on that particular day, his life would make another dramatic turn as a man came tumbling down the stairs and landed right on top his nuggets, making his Wendy's bag crunch under his weight.

And that is how James Truman-Conelly, Esq, met Peter Katz.