Running With Scissors

Tituba The Butcher's Bizarre Travesy

Let us pose an interesting question: what is a woman?

We can come up with several answers, each of them providing a set of problems if one were to think about them more thoroughly.

From a mere etymological sense, a woman is an adult female human. It is concise, but it's not particularly enlightening as far as definitions go since we would need to define what a human is first, and trying to come up with an answer more fulfilling that "mostly harmless" would be an exercise in futility.

Biology tells us that women are those members of the human species that are genetically capable of harboring and sustaining life through a system of primary and secondary sex characteristics designed for reproduction. This definition is widely accepted by straight, old men in high, uncomfortable chairs.

While the biological definition seems good at first glance, it leaves out some key components that don't quite click together. What if a female gets a hysterectomy, and is therefore unable to reproduce? Do they cease to be a woman? What about those who have gone through menopause? Do they cease to be women once their reproductive utility has gone away?

Society tries to define women for their utilitarian purposes: a mother, a sister, a wife—which only works to categorize what a woman can do or be, but not what it is.

If we were to ask one of our Squid overlords, they would say that women are delicious with some beurre blanc sauce and sous vided with some rosemary and carrots. This is not wrong per se, but not quite what we are looking for.

It falls to philosophy's leading female existentialist, Simone Lucie Ernestine Marie Bertrand de Beauvoir, Duchess of long names, to try to define what it is to be a woman.

According to de Beauvoir, a woman is not a man. Not only was she the Duchess of long names, but she was also Captain of obvious assessments. But while it seems like a simplistic view of what a woman is, de Beauvoir goes one level deeper by assessing that women are the "other."

Men have historically defined what it is to be a human while relegating all those things that they don't click with to the women. As such, men define themselves as not being feminine. This means that a woman, according to de Beauvoir, is given meaning by men. They're the burden of the otherness they reject. Hence, femininity is something men created to keep women under control by determining what they can, and cannot be.

Men have historically imposed women with roles and characteristics they themselves are unwilling to fulfill, such as the nurturing mother, or the servile wife, thereby objectifying them.

They're the subjects, while women are the possession. It's always the damsel in distress that gets saved by the dashing prince in fairy tales that are force-fed to little girls by multimillionaire media companies controlled by sentient rodents going topless. If not seen in a nurturing role, men cast women in a sexual one, which is another type of objectification.

It wouldn't be so hard to reject this imposition of otherness, says de Beauvoir, were it not for the fact that even women push this oppression on themselves. One of the earliest forms of indoctrination of the otherness comes during infancy, when girls are given their first doll.

It seems harmless at first—a pretty plastic friend for girls to play with. But once we begin to deconstruct the very concept of dolls, we are left with a powerful propaganda tool for self-identification.

Dolls are made to be dressed up and made pretty with accessories and Malibu houses while always sporting a smile. They're often slim, curvy, and most importantly, passive. They're to be dragged around wherever a girl goes, to be discarded anywhere without protests or peep.