Running With Scissors

Ce N'est Pas Un Titre

Art, like a baby daddy who refuses to pay alimony and instead asks you for a few days for that irresponsible Jamba Juice investment he made while drunk to kick in, is a fickle thing to pin down, and very inconsiderate on how much money and energy you put into it.

We could try to define it, but that would be a Sisyphean task in on itself since art is so subjective, and everything can be classified as art with enough mental acrobatics. Mental acrobatics is an art form too, since seamlessly changing ideas and connecting far-reaching logical dots is a skill not many people can achieve.

Not to be confused with actual acrobatics, the sport about jumping around and contorting your body in difficult, often impossible positions, which is a hyperbole, since if they can do it, it's not impossible. See, this is why the universe tends to hate on humans. As test subjects, we are great. Very squishy and probe-friendly. But living among us is a nightmare.

We constantly state the obvious in conversations, with gems such as: "it's raining," or "nice weather today," or even "it's been a cold winter," and other weather-related feats of apparent observations. We also throw around hyperbole like it was sprinkled on ice-cream. No, Megan, you didn't "literally just died" because you saw the cutest dog ever with tiny boots and a yellow raincoat.

And yes, I am a human being. I bet you didn't know that. You never ask how I'm doing, or what I ate for lunch. You only want to know about the funny lawyer, and the badass girl, and the assassin with the funny accent. I don't wanna come as needy, but I wouldn't mind being asked how I am today before stuffing your eye holes with funny commentary. I also want some love! I deserve it. I'm an important part of this story as much as any!

Do you know how boring this story would be from a first person perspective? There's nothing much going on in that soft melon Peter calls a head. Let's give you an example: "oh look at me, I'm a dumb lawyer who only wants booze and not die!"

See, that's boring. But that's what you would get if I wasn't around. You're welcome.

Of course, I'm, in fact, not a human, and this was just an exercise to demonstrate the art of mental acrobatics, as we just took you from the definition of art, all the way to here—seamlessly, if we may add—and to demonstrate this story's artistic prowess by evoking the art of acting, lying, and emotional manipulation. Please hold your applause for after the end of the story.

Art, we believe, is anything that makes you feel strongly about something, for art is an expression of human emotions. So yes, Brenda, that cute dog with tiny boots and raincoat is a piece of art, because it made you feel so strongly, you might've just died. We are sorry we made fun of you. Except we are not, and this is just another example of how artistic we are by playing with your emotions. Boom-shakalaka!

As such, art is a subjective medium that should be appreciated not by technique or execution, but by the feelings it evokes in you. We say you because feelings differ from people to people. A work of art might make one person feel a sense of dread, while at the same time make another person feel happiness and hope. Art, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

We must never blame art for making us feel bad things, for art is, at face value, a neutral medium that we embody with our feelings. Except for Art Garfunkel, which can go suck it for all we care.

If a piece of art is trying to be pretentious in nature, however, we wouldn't blame someone for labeling it as such, as it was the case for "The Treachery of Images," a painting by René Magritte that represented everything wrong with art and humanity as a whole for one Hugo Delacourt.

"This is the target," he said, pointing at a picture of the famous painting on the table in front of him. As far as paintings go, it was harmless enough, depicting a decent enough illustration of a wooden pipe. The problem lied in the words written right under the pipe: Ceci n'est pas une pipe, which translates into "This is not a pipe."