Running With Scissors

Deux Ex Fried Chicken

Heaven smells like Kentucky Fried Chicken. It's a little known fact, on account that nobody that goes to heaven tends to come back to Earth to tell the tale.

A Haitian immigrant named Reggie Baley actually guessed this fact right after arriving to New York in early 1996. He had an extra crispy chicken breast with mashed potatoes and gravy, and later exclaimed: "This is what heaven is like!" And while we know it's not a 100% accurate, we believe he got pretty close to the real deal. Good for you, Baley!

Unfortunately, since he was a heavy marijuana smoker, he went straight to hell afterward. We at "Running With Scissors" would like to say, please avoid the Devil's lettuce at all cost.

Peter Katz did not partake of the wacky tobacky, so he was mostly fine in that regard. It was his other litany of misdeeds that earned him a one-way ticket to hell. But for a moment, he could see it in its entire splendor. Or at least part of it.

The gates to be precise.

It was a wonderful, marvelous, awe-inspiring gate. He instantly knew it was at least 40 meters high and 60 meters long. Of course, Peter had no idea how much that was since the metric system was lost on him. A sin on itself, if you ask us. But nobody ever does. It gets lonely, being a disembodied narrator following an egomaniac around.

Why don't we take a break? Let's just ignore this awful tale for a hot second and focus on our own story. How was your day, reader? Was it nice? I hope it was nice.

Peter wasn't having a nice day. He was dead and about to go to hell. But he didn't know that yet. Or really cared, for that matter. All he could think of is finding who made that gold-plated gate so he could hire them.

He willfully ignored that his clothes were made of the softest fabric know to the universe: Cherub pubes. Peter also ignored that he was literally walking on clouds. They're completely ergonomic by the way. Super soft.

In his state of awe, he also ignored the towering figure watching him from the gates. Until Peter rammed into it.

"Ouch!" Peter yelled as he fell backward. Of course, he felt no pain. One of the perks of being in heaven. "I'm walking over here!"

"Yes," said the figure in a voice like thunder. "I can see that."

Peter stood up, trying to appear bigger than he actually was. He was a pretty buff man, and in any other case, it would have worked. But the figure before him was over 6 meters long. Not that it meant anything to Peter. Metric system and all.

As Peter tapped his feet impatiently, he failed to realize no annoying tapping sound came. Another little fact about heaven is that it has a Sass filter. "So, are you going to apologize?" said Peter.

The figure moved his massive head slowly and patiently to face Peter. His eyes were like Aurora Borealis shimmering in the moonlight. Again, his voice boomed like thunder. "I don't see the point of me apologizing for you bumping into me. Seems hardly fair."

"Fair?" exclaimed Peter as he puffed himself up. "You wrinkled my suit! And I have dust all over my bottom now!"

"No, you don't," said the figure. There was a hint of patience in his voice, like one would have while treating with a spoiled child.

"Look, pal, this is dry-clean only, okay?" Peter grabbed his robe as to make a point, and only then did he feel the softness of a thousand baby-hairs caressing his body.

He also began to notice all the other weird things around him, like the fact he was walking on a cloud, or that there was a giant speaking to him with the voice of a lion.