December Boys (BxB) | ✓

Chapter 43 - Sure, Everything's Fine

When the clock struck 2:47 am, Seth was asleep, Axel was snoozing, and I was lying on my back, eyes wide and head buzzing with anxiety. We'd stayed up way past what my mom considered appropriate bedtime and consequently passed out from exhaustion just past 2:30. Seth's snoring was a low, kitty-like purr, and Axel's was like a very gentle motorcycle engine. I was too wired to stop listening. Sleeping was out of the question.

The plan had been laid out in bits and pieces like a puzzle just waiting to be assembled. Seth had assigned himself the role of secretary, and jotted down all our thoughts and measurements as we discussed. Axel had turned out to be quite the planner, drawing equations and coming up with potential traps we could attempt to catch the criminal. There had been an odd glint in his eyes all evening.

My anxiety was a thing of duality. The rat would skitter across my subconscious whenever my guard was down, and the crook of Axel's neck was an enticing nightmare. The mix between genuine fear and nervous desire was mingled in a hotpot of crushing mental upset. How I would survive this night was a mystery, and Operation Nao was looking like a ripe old disaster.

I turned in bed and faced the skinny ankles of my good friend Seth. His stinky soles were just past my head, tickling my hair and twitching every once in a while. "Ugh," I moaned and shoved the cursed extremities away from me. Seth slept in odd positions and trying to understand it was a futile exercise I'd given up on a long time ago. I focused instead my attention on rising from bed without disturbing him.

The room was illuminated by a slit of moonlight that found its way through the blinds. The cold light cast eerie shadows from my furniture, and Axel's face in the armchair was reminiscent of an old stone statue. He was lying so still he might have been dead.

An overpowering urge to escape suddenly washed over me. Resisting never even crossed my mind, so when I slipped out of bed and stole Seth's bunny slippers, I made sure to be extra quiet with the creaking door. Leaving it ajar, I traced my way through the hallway with my fingertips, touching walls and furniture, avoiding the occasional crack in the flooring.

Erik's door was open and empty once again. He'd spent less time at home now than ever, and even though my mom worried, I found comfort in it. The more Erik was here, the more they fought, and him being away usually meant he was doing better. Perhaps he'd found himself a new girl somewhere.

The old beam carried me over the neighbor's flowers one more time. The dark made it harder to find the safe spots, but muscle memory filled in where my sight faltered. As I reached the top of the garage, spotting the street lights on the ground and the lonely moon in the sky, my shoulders sank. This was what I needed. This spot, on this night — the only thing that had made sense in a very long time.

I sank down on the rugged surface, planting my palms on the old wooden plank at the edge. I let my pajama-clad stomach sink until it connected with the cold, and then I supported my head on my folded arms. The neighborhood view was in front of me now, dark and disconnected, but quiet and calm at the same time. The air smelled like autumn and the sky was peppered with stars.

I'd thought about so many things up here, ever since I was a kid. Every time I'd felt powerless, I would come up here and imagine myself away. I'd conjured up many castles and kingdoms throughout my childhood. Places of refuge. I stopped a couple of years ago, oftentimes laughing at my old self for being such an air-head. I realized now that I hadn't really stopped at all. I was still running. Would I be stuck in this pattern forever? Would it always be scary to look at my own feelings? Would it ever get better?

"So this is where you were."

I jumped so violently I almost rolled right off the garage roof. Whirling around and sitting upright, I watched open-mouthed as Axel fought his way across the beam and onto the platform. He was still in Erik's pajamas, but there was a dark bundle in his arms. It didn't take him long to cross the garage and sit down next to me.