Waste (A Larina Fanfiction)

Part 10: OFF TO THE RACES

OFF TO THE RACES

Lana's POV

Marlboro reds. Her phone number is written on my pack. Smart girl. I would never forget my cigarettes. For a moment, I thought the numbers were shining on that pack, though they are written with black ink. It is so easy, uncomplicated. I just have to call her instead of setting up a whole mystery like I did last time. Well, I like complicated situations. So I call her.

'Hello there.'

'Good morning.'

Her voice is blunt and powerless.

'Why did you leave so early in the morning?'

'Oh nothing. Work. Routine stuff. Everything's fine.'

I can sense pretention. I must be wrong. Why would she lie to me?

'So, Marina... Is it possible that we could meet today? There is something I want to tell you. Something I was thinking...'

No answer for a while.

'Uh... Sure. Why not? Where? Where would you like to meet me?'

'Long Island. Jones beach. We could see the sunset together.'

'Sounds good.'

She stops the phonecall almost immediately. I stay hanging on the phone. Dead line.

What's wrong?

I get a cup of coffee and begin cleaning the house, making it look exactly the way it was before. No cigarettes, no bottles, no clothes, everything in place... I remember the time I was 15. Throwing parties over here and then facing the same situation. I feel sort of bad about it. What the fuck am I doing with my life? I'm not 15 anymore. I'm a woman. And, for the first time ever, in love with another woman.

I move upstairs to my room and start looking around. My books. Those books I used to read back then. Jack Kerouac's On The Road, The Complete Poems by Walt Whitman, Poems by Allen Ginsberg, Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov, Fitzgerald's Great Gatsby, Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises... Pieces of what once was my adolescence. Works of art that now seem less fascinating just because, for me, it's not just art anymore. It's my life, my past and present. Life immitates art. I pick up one poetry collection by various American Writers and leave. Nobody's gonna notice it's missing. Even if they do, I don't really care! I swear. I'm not coming back...

~

When I arrive at the beach, Marina is already there waiting for me. There's no one else there. It's cloudy day so I guess nobody was in the mood to visit the beach. The sky above us is painted in warm pale colours. Some very light orange-red.

Marina's black hair are being swept away by the wind.

She looks confused.

'Hi.'

I don't answer. I stare into her eyes trying to make sure she's not fine. I succeed.

'What's wrong?'

'Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Everythinog's great.'

Not convinced.

'Promise me.'

'I do.'

'Say it.'

Silence.

'Ok. Nothing that has to do with you.'

'Did you regret what happened last time?'

'No. Forget about it. Let's just see the sunset.'

The sight is beautiful. Red rays of light sink inside the light blue calm sea. Purple clouds that look like candy move slowly in the sky. Everything is painted in pastel colours. Pure beauty.

I open my bag and take out the poetry book.

'Are you in the mood for some American poetry?'

'Yes. I love American literature. What is it? T.S. Elliot?'

'No. It's Howl by Allen Ginsberg. Let's get down to some Beat poetry, shall we?'

I start reading...

'I saw the best minds of my generation deostroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix, angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night...'

She was staring at the sea... Silent.

'Everything is holy. Everything is holy...'

I stopped.

'You know what? There is something I wanted to tell you. When you fell asleep yesterday, I didn't. I was thinking about it.'

'What is it?'

'Why are we reading all that stuff if we can't do it ourselves?'

'I don't understand you. It's poetry...'

'I mean. Beat poetry. It's all about the freedom of the open road! Have you ever sensed that kind of freedom?'

'I've nevet felt any kind of freedom.'

'It's time, then. To do it. Together.'

She looks at me worried.

'Let's just leave it all behind. Everything. Everyone. Let's get in the car and ride. Just you and me. A roadtrip.'

'It's not that easy.'

'It is easy. Think about it. I've got nothing to hold me here. And you have plenty of stuff that you don't want holding you here. We could leave. Go to Los Angeles. Rewrite everything from scratch.'

I see her smiling. She likes that. She is finally breathing. There are plenty of sad things inside her head and my plans included erasing everything. She loves it!

'That means changing identities, as well?'

'Exactly. We'll be whoever we want to be. Nameless, shameless, free...'

'Cool. I always wanted to try a blond wig.'

I laugh...

'So, you're into that?'

'Yes, Lana. I've never been more excited in my whole entire fucking life. But...'

'No but.'

'It's a hard decision. I should not let excitement take me over. I need to think about it.'

'Good. I'll give you this night to think about it...'

I get up. The sun is officially set. It's dusk. The sea is now dark and mysterious. Tge clouds above us look scary.

'One last thing before I leave.' I say 'Promise me that you will not think too much. Promise me that you will let a little bit of excitement take over you.'

'I promise.'