Waste (A Larina Fanfiction)

Part 11: FEAR AND LOATHING

FEAR AND LOATHING

Marina's POV

I have always been bossy. And up to this point I used to think of it as a special talent that only few people possess. People like me. People destined to succeed. But now, I realize that it's easy to be the boss to others. What is hard, though, is being the in control of yourself. Being able to decide once and forever and never look back, never regret.

I am unsure. I wish someone else could decide for me. My options? A liberating road trip with Lana or my career opportunity back in London. Both can't be combined. Because if I choose to follow Lana to LA, my job offer might never occur again and if I go back to London and follow my dream, I'm leaving America once and forever. Trust me, I don't give a fuck about America. I do give a fuck about her though. I'll be Marina And The Diamonds, my stage name, and she'll be the girl from New York that once was a friend. It's bitter but it's true.

Those thoughts are crossing my drunk brain as I'm standing on the edge of my hotel's roof staring at Manhattan's lousy blocks. Broadway. Manhattan. New York. America. I'm saying my goodbyes. It's three in the night and I'm alone on this luxurious hotel roof garden, no lights, no sound. Just cars flashing by, horns and echoing voices that sound far away. I'm on the top of the world and instead of being strong, I feel small and unprotected, from fearful. Smoke comes out of my mouth shaping weird imagery and getting lost inside the foggy atmosphere. My life... What an unfortunate mess of events. A constant chase of something that never occurred. A cease less role play to make people like me, make people believe in me. My life. A study in identity and illusion. I need to feel something is for real. Like love or freedom or happiness. I lived my life in fear. And here I am again. Insecure and sad. I burst in tears. There's nothing I can do to stop it.

I hear steps. I know it's her steps but for a moment I think it's only in my imagination. I sweep my tears away as quickly as I can.

'Don't' she says calmly.

'What?'

'You're pretty when you cry'

'I'm not crying.'

'Shh... Just open up and cry.'

She puts her leather jacket on my shoulders.

'Again. Wearing your clothes.'

'Always.'

'Lana I can't. I can't come with you. I want it but...'

'I know. You don't need to apologize. I understand. And it's okay.'

'It's not okay. I has never been less okay.'

'Marina. We had no chance together anyway. Can't you see? We are polar opposites. Some things are better to stop when it's about time.'

'You mean you don't want me to come anymore?'

'No. I want you to be with me for life. But my desires are worthless.'

This is complicated. She goes on.

'This happened. It's true. It was true. It will always be my story. A part of my past. A source of inspiration. Something that changed my life forever. It's about time to follow our paths and let it be a memory. A good memory. You go East. I go West. New York will always be ours. I don't think I will ever be able to walk those streets alone anymore.'

'I'm sorry. I will never forget you.'

'Till the end of time.'

We stand next to each other. Enjoying the view of the city. Our city. I never felt like home before. This is home. Tomorrow will be the day I'll be leaving home. Life is a bitch sometimes. But it's okay. It's fine. She's right. Things live as long as we remember. Better this way. Nothing will spoil the magic of this moment. Our last moment. Our last cigarette together.

Rain starts pouring on us. We remain still till we are wet to the core. Nothing can make us leave. Not even the apocalypse.

'Shall we spend that night together at least.' she suggests

'Yes. But there is one last thing I want. Let's go get high. Let's go get wasted. I want this to be happy to ending. But I feel so sad right now. You should make me happy. In some way.'

'That's easy. Happiness is just an illusion. When the sun comes up, we'll be right here smoking in the pouring rain. Almost happy.'

Almost.

A plane flies up above us and all we can see is its green light moving above our eyes as we lay back on the ground of the roof. Tomorrow I'll be in a plane like that.

'The green light.' Lana says. 'Fitzgerald. The orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eludes us then, but that's no matter. Tomorrow we will run faster, stretch our arms farther... And one fine morning-'

I pick up her line. I know it like a prayer.

'So we beat on. Boats against the current. Borne back ceaselessly into the past.'

🔹🔸🔹

Author's Note

Part 12 will be the last one. I suppose. Comment and let me know what you want to happen. :)