It's Complicated ✔️

Chapter: 51 Are you possessed?

I always believed saying goodbye to someone once you have loved leaves you in pieces. However, the pain of seeing that person again is something which is more painful, then the actual goodbye.

No matter how much it hurts, but I don't regret my decision. This was the right thing to do, for me and for him. Our relationship was a burden for him and he doesn't have to suffer, because of my mistake of holding onto something which really doesn't exist. Every relationship is based on love, trust, and understanding, but there was none between us. When I look at the past few years of my life, I realize I have always been alone. Alone with a hope that one day, my days of solitary will come to an end and I will be with someone who will complete me.

 But here I am again all alone, however, this time there is no hope. 

Closing my eyes I lie down on my bed and absentmindedly my fingers play with the bracelet on my hand as Nathan's face comes to my mind. It is weird that how much our lives are tangled together. Even when everything is over between us, somehow still we are tied together. However, instead of trying to get away from him, I have accepted the fact that I can't avoid him all my life.

Today, I didn't plan on meeting him I wanted to leave from there as soon as I can. But like always things don't go as per my wish. Thus, I took this opportunity to ask for his help, as I really wanted to buy something special for Miles. But knowing Nathan I should have known, he never makes things easier for me, he says and does things which leaves me dumbfounded. 

But, today something happened which really scared me. Twice I was pulled back into the moment where I was alone with Ben and the only thing kept me, in reality, was Nathan's presence, which scares me the most. When Nathan leaned towards me I almost felt it is not him but Ben, then Nathan's touch brought me back to the present. When he held my hand and I could not pull away, because I was afraid that if I did I will be back into that room. The warmth radiating off his hand felt comforting and I immediately felt safe.

Nathan provides me such kind of comfort and sense of safety which, strangely, I don't find anywhere else. It seems nothing bad will happen if he is around. This really frightens me. I can't let myself feel this way, it is wrong. It is almost like using him. That is why I have decided I will try to keep my distance from him as much as I can.

Unknowingly I have shown him my vulnerable side, which I try to keep hidden from the world. Once I did this mistake, but not again. I won't repeat this mistake, because I can't see pity in his eyes. Even now sometimes it seems that he pities me, maybe this is why he is being friendly to me. 

I rub my face and sit on the edge of the bed. I glance at the digital clock on the side table, it reads 2 A.M. 

Maybe I won't get any sleep tonight.

Instead of trying to sleep, I walk into the living room. Taking a book, from the small bookshelf which I have in my living room,  I sit on the floor cushion. Leaning against the wall and I pull my knees up as I keep the book on them. 

My eyes start to burn and water by constantly reading, but I don't want to keep the book down. I can't help it when I start reading a book I can't stop until I have finished it. It is a very bad habit and I don't know how to get rid of it. 

When I realize it is morning, I keep the bookmark between the page. I stand up and stretch my arms above my head. My body muscles feel stiff because of continuously sitting in the same position. After opening the windows to let some fresh morning air into the apartment, I start my morning routine.

Today, I don't feel like eating breakfast at home, so I walk to the nearby cafe. After getting myself a coffee and waffles, I take a seat in the far corner table. I nearly finished my waffles when I get a message from Miles, informing they will pick me up at 1 in the afternoon. I quickly text him, that I will come by myself and ask him to text me the address of his beach house. I want to drive there because, if I want to leave early from there I can get back home without ruining other people's fun. Also, I am dying to take my Volkswagen convertible on a long route.