i'm so angry right like man i'm sending a text-post on this groupchat of me and three other people because it's wholesome and reminds me of us and what do i get??
"We do that?"
man, aPPRECIATE THE GESTURE.
in this gc there's me, zainab, and two male friends of ours. one of them i have been dying to be friends with since seventh grade because he was really cool and all and he seemed like that type of guy who would be fun to be friends with and in eighth grade, that happened! me and z became friends with him and his best friend and we made a group chat and the cool guy made the name. now yeah that's cool and all. throughout eighth grade me and that guy were super close, and i helped him out a lot and he helped me. but then the summer vacations happened and god knows what happened but now he barely acknowledges my presence in school. he walks right through me and doesn't even say hi in the morning. like yeah dude i totally didn't help you when you were in a bunch of sticky situations. i try to start conversations with him so that he stops looking down at me but nooo all he'll ask me for is the fucking add maths homework
the other guy sits in front of me and we talk a lot and he's my closest guy friend but every time i try to be sweet he brushes it off. and he jokingly insults me when i rarely say anything to him, yes i know we're friends and all and this is what friends do but i cannot handle this stuff because i have been used by people i used to idolise and look up to. i loved those people and all they did was insult me and make fun of me so i'm insecure now and it hurts when he insults me, even jokingly, because due to my family teasing me, i have become over-sensitive.
i am actively trying to show my love and affection for these boys, because i love them i really do and i want us all to be close friends again. i try to initiate conversations, i try to hang out with them, but what do i get in return for my affections? nothing. i am always ignored and always have been and i feel like it's always gonna be that way. i'm ignored by my family because i'm the youngest and i'm weird. im ignored by teachers because i'm quiet. i'm ignored by my friends because i'm weird and a bit overly emotional at times but that's because i love you but i don't know how to say so without stuff becoming awkward so i instead screech with happiness when i see you. i may come off as clingy but i'm sorry, i just don't want to lose you and i'm scared of losing you because my friends are the only things that make me happy anymore and remove the empty feeling in my stomach.
but sometimes... sometimes when i text them (friends in general) i get emotionless replies and i feel awful... am i not good enough? am i too invested in this friendship and you're not that interested anymore? what did i do wrong, i'm begging you to tell me, where did i go wrong.
i just... i wish these boys would get their heads out of their asses so that they could see that um hi i exist and i'm trying to be your friend again?? i'm pretty sure your wolfpack won't say anything if you take three seconds out of your day to say hi to me, because surely saying hi to a friend doesn't make you uncool.
i sent a text-post in the gc that reminded me of something funny from a while ago and i thought that everyone else would like it as well but whoops. guess i'm the only one still stuck in the past, as usual.
Jack once said that i don't come off as an angry person online but merely because of the fact that i have no reason to be angry. i have absolutely no frustrations, and you know why? because The Squad is the most wholesome and adorable bunch of rag tags and we don't brush one another off. we don't ignore each other. i don't have any reason to be angry on here because... there's no causation to my anger.
but irl? i love my friends with all my heart and soul but some of them cause me so much frustration and pain that i just feel angry all the time. it's not just them, obviously. the main cause of my anger issues are my family but that's a different story. my friends, although the sweetest bunch around, they can be so problematic at times that i don't know what to do because i've always run around being everyone's therapist but... i run out of advice as well sometimes.
i'm just so fucking. Done. please bear with my over-affectionate behaviour. and please don't be monotonous and break my heart. for i am but a smol sensitive child.
please don't message me asking if i want to talk about it because if i did i would've been messaging you instead of writing this for all to see.
