my sister fractured her foot today while exercising and my family is kind of falling apart
i realized last night that my family is basically the Anderson family, without the physical abuse and rape
let's see:
on the outside, we're a picture perfect family, but paper can tear and glass frames crack very easily. yeah, my parents have very often fought, but it's over stupid things and it's not much. but THIS time, that asshole threatened my mother.
he is:
—emotionally abusive and manipulative
—a "man"
—a homophobe and transphobe
—a "good man"
—a "good muslim"
he acts like such a king. he isn't home for more than half the day, and when he gets home, he thinks it's okay to stomp around with his salan (gravy)-stained shirt and scream at my mother and threaten to hit her by saying, "i know the type of people you hang out with and what they're husbands are like, but i am not one of them. don't make me do what i would never do, but they would. i'm not like that."
he has—multiple times— threatened to slap me as well. and he has such a holier-than-thou attitude that it makes me sick. whenever my mom swears because she's angry, he screams at her, and whenever i say things as simple as "shut up" or "idiot", he gets angry, but, oh, he's allowed to use them as much as he wants. he said, and i quote, "you and your mother are both stubborn and bloody idiots." he didn't say this to me, though. he said it to my sister.
however, in front of my friends, or other family members—anyone, really— he acts like a great father, making jokes, making it seem like our family is normal because, really, it isn't. he just wants to keep up the show so that his precious little reputation doesn't have a bruise on it. tbh, this family's reputation is like an apple. it's brilliant, it looks like we're a healthy family. it's shiny and sterling. but as soon as you bite into it, you realise it's juicy and bitter. the amount of gossip that can stem from this family is enough to make old women weep with joy. the members of this family are the poisonous seeds at the very middle of this "apple".
sure, he has some great qualities and can be an okay dad at times, but often his bad qualities overshadow the good ones.
if you're reading this, you're probably thinking, 'poor mahnoor's mother. :(('
i, too, feel sad for the woman, but she's not a complete angel, oh, no.
she is emotionally manipulative. she finds ways to twist your words and turn the blame on you. she speaks lies and takes her anger out on her children. she doesn't know how to not.
you know that thing with Derek's mom? she seems better than the dad, protecting her son from him, saying she loves him, telling him he'll be alright, but she's actually a bitch and just as bad as Jack? yeah, my mums juuuuust like like that. the whole curtain metaphor? been there, done that.
"what would you do if either me or (sister) were gay?"
"...i'd probably either get you married off to a good muslim guy and we'd keep it a secret, or i'd ship you off to America or somewhere. don't want to ruin the (family name)'s reputation!"
this is an actual conversation i had with her.
then there's my grandmother. an old, bitter, mean woman. you can see that my dad was definitely NOT adopted.
she acts like my sister's fracture was my fault. I WASN'T EVEN THERE. i was at HOME, SLEEPING. yet she's mean to me, and speaks to me in a strict tone when something goes wrong. if the pillow under her foot starts slipping, she'll tell me to fix it as if i were the one who pushed the pillow.
there's also my sister. crying four times a day, thinking it's her fault, thinking she ruined our summer by being ill half the time and having a broken foot the other half. but it's not her fault. and she needs to stOp. who has enough water in their body to cry this much, oh my god.
and then there's widdle me :3
gay, stupid, thinks she can write and is somewhat talented, and is the target of everyone's anger. yet, *i* am the one expected to carry out the family legacy and become some sort of a god-awful doctor or engineer, while my sister frolicks off to her journalism university. I'M expected to get brilliant grades. I'M expected to be good at sports. I'M supposed to uphold the reputation. I'M supposed to be another result of their toxic waste, polluting every lovely place i come across, hurting everyone i know and love.
i inherited the looks and the athlete body, the humour and some of the smarts, but i also inherited the anger and the fear.
ohohoho, i cannot WAIT to bring this family down. i cannot wait to see the looks on their faces when they see their precious reputation crumple to pieces. i cannot wait to see them all squashed under MY shoe, ants in a big world meant for us, but ruled by them.
but all in good time. act like you're straight, act like an angel. it don't fuckin work. they pretty much know i'm gay, but just denying it as long as they can. i am no angel. i am almost nothing in their eyes. but, so be it. i will stand back and watch the fire emerge from their eyes onto their house, burning whatever it is that name has stood for, for so long.
might as well light a cigarette while watching the ashes crumble, make good use of that fire.
as veronica sawyer said, "fight the urge to strike a match and set this dump ablaze."
i love my family. so. much.
