7/9/2019
i've been sad every day for weeks, waiting for you. it is worth it because you are my person and i wouldn't give you up for anything. i don't know if it was anyone else that i could've held on as long as i have. losing you though, is not something i could choose for myself. i have gone through the deepest levels of pain there are just to be with you through this rough patch. my heart has shattered into a million pieces time and time again but i wouldn't stop it if that meant i couldn't have you back, the girl i fell in love with. that beautiful mind, your gorgeous smile, your eyes that sparkled, your soothing voice and laughter that played over and over again in my mind, that feeling of security and warmth you gave me when i felt like you belonged to only me and i was yours. my heart is broken from how we've communicated. we went from calling every night and sending hundreds of texts a day to the point where scrolling would crash our phones to barely even sending voice messages and hardly ever texting with hours in between replies. sometimes, i feel like it's only me. like you're gone and my heart has to deal with the pain. i know you're there, but not for me, and i am but a distant thought in your mind. i know this doesn't hit you like it hits me. i know this doesn't hurt you as much. i know you don't fall asleep crying every night or sit by your phone for hours waiting for any type of reply. i know that i probably shouldn't be so hurt and doubtful, but i can't seem to be anything else. i am afraid of losing you to someone who is treating you better, someone who you could just as easily fall in love with, someone who could be there when i wasn't. i'm scared you're slowly falling out of love with me every day that passes. i don't want to see the end of our love. it's killing me inside to be so fucking worried that you're slipping away. i don't want to wake up to a text one day that you just don't want me anymore, but i feel like it might happen. i just need you.
i need my babygirl back. i don't know if you realize how bad i'm hurting for you. i don't know if you see, if you care. i know that you're stressing about life and you don't have time to worry about my feelings and that's okay. i just wish that i could pull you out of this. maybe it's because i'm selfish and i miss the way you used to want me. i miss the way you talked to me, the way you proudly called me yours, the way you wanted to be in my arms all the time, the way you called me baby and wanted everything to do with me. you seemed to be so in love with me, and now you feel nothing. you don't even have a spark for life, or maybe you do and it's just gone around me. i feel horrible that you are so numb, i feel guilty that i wasn't good enough for you to love me always like we used to promise. i remember before you left one day you gave me so many kisses and told me you loved me like six times and i wish i could go back to that day. i wish i could go back to april 28 and change everything i've ever done so that you'd still want me and you'd think i was a great choice. but i fucked us up forever and i know that it's a regret of yours. i bet you wish you could take it back sometimes..and i am so so sorry baby. this is the worst feeling. my heart has never been so torn. i am unbelievably sad and i crave you intensely. this isn't me saying i want to leave, but i wish i could give you the light back that you used to have with me. i wish i could make you fall in love with me again. i wish that talking to me wasn't something you felt you had to avoid for hours until you finally felt obliged to reply. i wish i could pick myself up and be okay without you for now while you're 'getting better' or however you'd phrase it. but i am weak, i am stuck on you. i am sick, i am hurt, i am broken. i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. i wish i didn't have to be dependent on you. i wish this would just be over already. i want us again. you and i. forever? remember? i promise you i am being as patient as i possibly can. i am waiting and i will wait for however long it takes my angel to come back to me. i will never ever give up on you. i am just in a lot of pain. i miss you so fucking bad baby. i want my girl. i need you.
