To be so Lonely

1

I've just stopped at the red traffic light, when my phone starts ringing. Curiously I take a look at the caller ID and sigh. I swipe right to answer the call and put the phone on speaker.

"Hey, Harry.", a voice, drenched in an Irish accent, shouts through the phone. "Hi, Niall!", I chuckle. The traffic light turns green and I start driving again. "Are you driving?", I hear the familiar voice ask. I nod, until I realize, that Niall can't see me. "Yes, I'm on my way to Manchester. I've got a live interview tonight!". Niall laughs. "You busy man. Freshly into the new year and already a date with the press.". I smile. "Well, that's what you have to deal with, when you're a successful singer", I tease. Niall laughs again and I feel myself relax.

The brown haired guy from Ireland has been my best friend for 10 years now. No matter how much I used to love the other boys, Niall has always been the one I felt the closest to. On a friendship level. Louis was something different.

"So, how are you?", Niall asks eventually. I can feel him hesitating and I instantly know that he's up to something. "Mm, it's been worse!", I mumble, avoiding the fact that I feel like shit. "Okay, Harry, listen!" I knew he has a reason why he called me. I remain silent.
"Ed called me a few hours ago. He said you were piss drunk again and you had another breakdown this morning. I would have come to you, but I'm stuck in Ireland and it seems like you're busy anyway. But you got me worried. Harry, seriously, what's wrong?". His voice actually sounds concerned as he continues begging me to answer him. I don't even try to calm him down or to tell him a lie to stop him being worried. My hands grab the steering wheel so tight that my knuckles turn white.

"I texted him last night!"

I don't have to explain, who I mean, because Niall knows. I hear him shifting on the other side of the phone.

"I know."

His answer hits me unprepared and hard. I hit the break and the car stops in the middle of the road. The cars behind me start honking and some drivers flip me off, while they pass me, but I'm too shocked to care. "Did you just crash?", Niall screams and I snap out of my state of shock. Quickly I pull over to the side of the road and try to breath calmly. "No, I'm fine.", I choke out. "Niall, what do you mean with 'I know'?", I ask weakly, my whole body shaking. Niall sighs. "Okay, listen. I'm not supposed to tell you, but I think you need to know. He called me last night, okay? Shortly after midnight my phone started buzzing and wouldn't stop. I was surprised, when I saw his name on my display, because normally he's not the calling type of person, so I ditched the super hot girl I've been talking to and went outside. He sounded stressed, like something really bad had happened and I was worried as hell. I'm worried for both of you! He told me, that you'd texted him and that he's pissed, because you promised to leave him alone, but I heard the shaking in his voice and the tears. Harry, he sounded so confused and thrown out of his mind. You really know, how to mess with somebody's feelings. Well, he finished the call after I told him to talk to you and I think he's pissed off of me now, but I don't care. A few hours ago, Lottie texted me and asked me about the whole text message thing, because she couldn't understand her brother on the phone and the only thing she understood between all those sobbs were the words 'Harry', 'text message' and 'Niall'. So I assumed that he called her right after our talk. A few minutes ago I found out that he also had called Liam and Ed. I swear, he probably even called Zayn. You really, really, messed up his night!".

I am shocked.

I've never thought, that a simple text message would bother Louis that much. I've alway thought, that he stopped caring about me ages ago. I slowly feel my eyes filling up with tears. "I messed up, I know. But I didn't mean to! I was just drunk and I miss him so much and 2020 hits just different, Niall. It's been 10 years now, 10 YEARS. I've met him 10 years ago, but I haven't spoken to him in 5 and it still kills me everyday. He's everywhere. His album promotions make my life a living hell. I hear his voice everywhere, I see his face everywhere. He's on my mind 24/7 and I just can't forget him. I tried, I really tried my best, but it's not possible.", I cry out and I hear Niall walking around. "Listen, Harry. I totally understand you, I really do, but Louis decided to take this break and you promised him, to respect his decision. He needs the time to get his life together. I can tell, that he misses you too, but he moved on. We all did.". I shakily inhale. "But that's different, Niall. This is not about One Direction. We all decided to take a break from the band. It's about Lou and me. He, was the one who said he wanted a break, to figure out the next steps and I gave him his space, just to find out that he made a child, got back together with El and seems to be happier than ever. I promised him, to stay out of his life, but I've never agreed to be kicked out of his life. I loved him, Niall, I still do and he knew it. He promised me to come back to me, when all the 'the band's taking a break' drama would have cooled down a bit and that we would figure out a life together. He told me he loved me and then he went off and broke my heart.". I hear Niall typing something on his computer. "Are you even listening?", I ask, a little hurt. "I am, and as I said before, I understand you. I just booked a flight to London tomorrow. I'll come and visit you. It's easier to talk in person. Just, hold your head up and try not to do something stupid, okay? We'll find a way to get you to talk to Louis again, because seriously the silence between you two is killing the whole squad, but please, please, respect Louis decision and leave him alone, okay? We'll find a solution.". I hiccup and wipe the tears from my eyes and cheeks. I'm really thankful to have Niall as my best friend and the thought, that he'll be with me tomorrow makes me feel better. "Thank you, Niall. I love you!", I whisper in the phone. Niall chuckles. "Love you too, mate. Just promise me to stay brave and don't do something you'll regret. And, Harry seriously, keep your hands from any kind of alcohol and drugs! You need to stop that!". I smile and think back to the little white pill, I've swallowed a few hours ago. "I promise to keep my hands off drugs and alcohol from now on. And I try to not do something stupid. See you tomorrow.". I technically didn't lie to him, but I still feel a little bad. Niall cares so much about me and I fuck it up every single time. I don't understand why he still wants to be my friend.

After Niall ended the phone call, I open my text messages to finally check, who's texted me last night. I have a bunch of messages from people I barley know, a message from Kendall, Liam and even Zayn. I also have a text message from Lottie, that makes my heart skip a beat.

From: Lottie 👑

Hi, dickhead. Call me.

I sigh and dial her number. It only takes a couple of seconds for her to answer and I immediately know, that she's pissed. "What's up with the message last night?". No hello, no happy new year, no how are you. Straight to the point and I love it. "Hi princess, it's nice to hear your voice, too.", I greet her over politely and I start to grin, when I hear her little chuckle on the other side. Lottie and I have been friends since the time Lou and I used to live together in Princess Park. A few years later Louis was gone, but Lottie still texted me from time to time. She and Niall were the ones, who kept me updated on Louis life.

"You're an idiot, Styles! But seriously, what happened last night?", Lottie asks, still a smile in her voice. "I was drunk and I don't know. I've been drunk before, even more wasted than yesterday, but yesterday felt different. The year 2020 feels different.", I mumble. "I know, I feel it too. Louis acts different, Niall and Liam as well. You all seem to be scared of this year and what it brings with it.", Lottie answers. I'm glad that she feels it too and that apparently I'm not the only one who's freaking out. I just freak out a little more than the others. "Niall told me, that he called you.", I say quietly. Lottie laughs a sad laugh. "He did. He was drunk as well and fully freaking out. He screamed and cursed and cried and Eleanor had troubles calming him down. In the end he passed out on the kitchen floor. She was really concerned. I told her, that I would talk to Niall and that everything would calm down in the morning.". I'm not sure how I to deal with the given information.

How can a simple text message cause such a heavy reaction if he insists that he doesn't care about me anymore?

"I'm sorry to hear that. I didn't want that. I swear! I thought he would not care about it. I didn't expect him to react that way. I thought he didn't care about me. I-". "Harry, stop.", Lottie interrupts me. "He still cares about you, a lot. He's trying so hard to convince the world and himself that he's over you, but he doesn't realize how much affect you still have on him. He talks about you a lot, even Eleanor notices it. He was so proud of your new album, although I saw him hurting everytime he realized the lyrics were about him. He got angry when he heard your ex girlfriend's voice message on cherry. He misses you as much as you miss him. He's just too blind to see it.". I feel the tears swelling up in my eyes again. "Lottie, I miss him so much.", I choke out. "I know, Haz, I know. And I miss you. I miss you and him and me. I miss the old times. I just wish we could go back to 6 years ago, when everything was perfect and you two were happy. You made him happy, Harry. And I miss that Louis, since the day you took him with you!". I silently continue to sob. "Listen Harry, I need to go. The family and Louis are coming in an hour. Keep your head up and I'm sure we'll see each other again soon. I miss you.". "Miss you too, princess.", I whisper. "Everything's going to be okay, Harry. You'll see. And don't tell my brother that we've talked. He'll kill me." I laugh a little and Lottie ends the call.

I dry my eyes and cheeks once again and feel the little pill, slowly kicking in. With mixed feelings I continue my way to Manchester.