To be so Lonely

5

I hear the doorbell ringing and slowly pull the blanket over my face. I've been crying for the last couple of hours and I don't feel like talking to someone right now. Muffled voices come through the door and someone's entering the house.

"He's been crying for hours now and doesn't want to tell me what happened.". I hear my Mom's voice getting louder as she and the visitor come closer to my door. "I think I know what happened. Lottie texted me.". Niall's voice. He tries to keep his voice low, so that I won't hear him, but he's never been good at being quiet.

I groan and wrap the blanket tighter around me. I don't want to talk to him or my mom or anyone else.

"Maybe you can talk to him? But be gentle please! He was in a bad condition when he arrived yesterday.". I roll my eyes under the blanket, aware that nobody can see it. Since the breakup five years ago everybody around me has been treating me like a raw egg. I mean sure, I was, still am, heartbroken and depressed and hurt but I just want to be treated normal again.

Niall being Niall is the only one, who manages to treat me like a normal person. He makes me face my actions and mistakes and that's why I don't want to see him right now. I just wanna be alone and swim in my pool full of self-pity.

The door bursts open. "Niall!", my mom says out loud and she sounds shocked. Niall ignores her and I hear him coming closer to me. He tries to rip the blanket off of me, but I grab it and hold it back with all my strength.

"LET GO, HARRY!", Niall screams at me. I wince and tight my grib stronger. I won't let go. "NIALL!", my mom shouts and I hear both of them wrestling.

"Anne, he has to talk with me. He's in big shit and he has to face it. You cannot wrap him up in bubble wrap and try to protect him from everything. He has to learn to deal with the consequences of his actions!", Niall screams back. I can't help but chuckle a bit. Niall sounds like the Dad I don't have anymore arguing with my mom about parenting me right. I hear my mom gasping and suddenly the blanket disappears. I lose my balance and fall off the couch. Damn it, I forgot to pay attention to the blanket.

When I look up, I see Niall having a victorious smile plastered on his face. I hate him. I groan and slowly get up. "Oh, Harry. You look bad!", Niall states as soon as he has a better look on my red puffy eyes. "No shit, Sherlock!", I grumble and try to get out of the room. "Harry, please talk at least to Niall!", my mom beggs. I ignore her and walk past her out of the room.

"Anne, give me some time. I'll fix it. Maybe you can make us something to eat? I'm starving!", I hear Niall saying before I hear his steps coming after me. At the bottom of the stairs I begin to sprint upstairs to reach my room before Niall does, but I'm not fast enough. The second I want shut the door, Niall throws himself against the wood and we both land on the ground.

I slowly open my eyes, that I've squeezed together the second I knew I would hit the ground and look at Niall's shocked face hovering above me. We just stare at each other for some seconds before we burst out into laughing. I haven't laughed in a while and it feels good. "Missed you, Nialler!", I whisper and smile at Niall. "But can you please get off of me? You're heavy.".

Niall laughs again and gets up. "I missed you too, Haz. But we really need to talk about what happened.". I sigh and slowly get up. "There's nothing to talk about. I messed up and now Lottie hates me as well and my chance of ever having contact with Louis again disappeared into nothing.". I make my way to my old bed and sit down. Niall stares at me, hesitating for a bit before he takes a seat on the chair in front of my desk.

"Lottie doesn't hate you. She's just hurt. You've hurt her, Harry. She's always had your back and she really tries to understand you, but in the end she's Louis' sister. He'll always be her number one and her goal is to see him happy again. She has done everything to cheer him up during the last years just to see, that all her effort was being a complete waste. Louis' is mentally as bad as he was five years ago if not even worse and you caused it. She loves you like a second brother, but all the things you've done during the last days destroyed everything she's built up."
I know that Lottie always wanted the best for her brother and I slowly realized how selfish my behavior has been. But I still think it's unfair that everybody seem to make it look like Louis is suffering so much more than I am.

"I get it, I really do, Niall. And I know that I am a selfish, arrogant son of a bitch, but I'm hurting too. I don't get why everybody's telling me how bad Louis is doing, because I just can't see it. He was the one who left me, who moved on. He's in a happy relationship, has people around him who love an support him in everything he does. Why is he doing so bad? Why should he still care about me? He made it clear that he wanted me out of his life, when he broke off contact with me. So why does he suffer? Why is he the poor heartbroken guy now? Why does all this stuff affect him so much? Those are the things I don't understand, Niall.".

Niall clears his throat. He looks at the ground and fidgets with his fingers. "Niall, spit it out! I can see your brain practically exploding", I say and stare at him.

"I'm sorry, I can't. I promised. Let's just say, Louis hasn't moved on yet. He might thought and told everyone he did, but deep down he still misses you. He's still not over you, I know that and it was easy for him to pretend he was as long as you two were out of contact but on new years eve everything came back. You had the last five years to deal with the heartbreak and although you choose the dumbest ways to deal with it and you're still not over him, you're one step closer to accepting a life without him than he is.".

I have to let this information sink in for a moment. My eyes focus on the pattern of my carpet as the thoughts are running wild in my mind.

Louis is still not over me? But he has Eleanor now? Lottie said they are happy together. Why would he still miss me then? Okay, maybe he misses me as a best friend but if he would miss me as a best he wouldn't be reacting the way he does, would he? And if he still loves me, why did he leave me then?

"Harry, please don't do that! Don't shut me out again! Tell me what's on your mind, please!", Niall begs. I sigh and lift my eyes off the ground.

"Well, I know I've been an awful friend during the last years and it must have been terrible for you, Ed, my mom and all the others to watch me jumping from being high to being drunk to being depressed all the time. I'm sorry I've put you all through this. I know that I have my problems with admitting that I'm sorry and that I made a mistake and I have a problem with facing the consequences of my actions, but I'm trying to get better at this. I'm gonna call management and tell them I will make an apology post for the interview. I'll quit the drugs and learn to get over Louis, but I need you, Niall. I know I don't deserve it, after all I've put you through but I can't to this alone.".

I feel tears streaming down my face. Niall gets up and sits beside me on the edge of the bed. "Of course I'll be there for you, Harry. You're my best friend! I'll always be there for you and we can make it til the end, I promise. You and I. Together.". He wraps his arms around me and I start sobbing into his shirt. He lets me wet his t-shirt til I have no tears left to cry.

"Thank you, Niall! Really!", I say and slowly pull out of the embrace. "But before I start getting over Louis I need to know why he did it. If it's my fault and I know it, it'll be easier to leave it all behind me.". Niall looks at me with a slight blush on his cheeks. He always blushes when he tries to keep a secret. "I don't know all the reasons, to be honest. But besides that I'm not supposed to tell you! Louis has to tell you himself. He should tell you himself. But what I can tell you is, that it's not your fault that he left. And about the current situationit, that's kinda your fault but his as well. Believe me, we'll get there eventually. You'll be happy again and who knows, maybe one day you two can be friends again.". Niall smiles at me. He looks so hopeful that I can't manage to destroy his hope and dream.

"Yeah, friends... We'll see.", I mumble before I put on a fake smile and speak out loud. "Let's go eat something. I bet mom cooked a whole feast already.". Niall's eyes light up and he jumps out of the bed. "Sounds like an amazing idea!", he says and before I can blink he's out of the room.

A/N

I really hate author's notes that's why I keep it short. I'm sorry for not updating this book in a while, but I'm having a giant writers block...

Lots of love xx