To be so Lonely

7

To say that I've slept bad that might would be an understatement. In fact I didn't sleep at all. Everytime I've closed my eyes Louis hurt face would appear, looking pissed off and jealous. It was my goal to make him jealous, but my subconscious mind made me suffer and tell me that it was wrong. I've hurt him enough already. It was useless to pour more salt into the wound. And so the morning came, the birds began to sing and I am wide awake. I'm still tired tho, but I just couldn't sleep. I feel Niall stirring in his sleep and I know that he'll be awake soon. I slowly detangle myself from the sheets and Niall's legs, that he's wrapped around my body in his sleep. "Mm, where are you going?", he mumbles, still half asleep. "I need to go to the loo.", I answer. "Lou?", Niall exclaims and immediately sits up. He's suddenly wide awake and stares at me in shock. I can't help but burst into laughter. I laugh til tears are running down my cheeks and my stomach starts to hurt. Niall's shocked expression turns into confusion as he tries to progress what's happening. "I need to go to the bathroom, Niall. Use the toilet, piss, wee, you name it.", I press out between the giggles. Niall's face expression changes as soon as he understands the situation. His confused smile turns into a grin and he chuckles a bit. "Oh.", slips out of his mouth and I start wheezing again. This time Niall joins me and suddenly I don't feel tired and heavy anymore.

I come back from the bathroom to find Niall sitting legs crossed on top of my bed. He talks to someone on the phone and his eyes go wide as I enter the room. "I'll call you later, okay? I have to go, Bye!", he quickly says goodbye and hangs up. I frown and give him a sceptical look. "It was Liam.", he explains and a small blush roses up his cheeks. I know that he's lying to me, but I don't ask who it really was. I think I know it and I don't want to hear the confirmation that I'm right. "Let's go get some breakfast.", I fake-happily chirp and show Niall my dimples. He scrutinizes me, but eventually shrugs his shoulders and jumps from the bed. "Let's go!", he says and together we make our way downstairs.

I've just made the last pancake, when Gemma bursts into the kitchen. My mood drops immediately, because I know that Gemma hasn't forget that we had an open conversation left. "Good morning!", I say, forcing a smile onto my face. "Don't give me that mood. It won't help you!", Gemma answers and I see Niall flinching at the tone of her voice. "Gemma, come on. We know you're disappointed, but it's not only his fault and he knows he did something wrong!", Niall mumbles, his mouth full of pancakes. "It's not your battle to fight!", Gemma hisses and turns her back to the Irish men. I roll my eyes and give Niall an apologizing look. He forces a smile and turns his focus back on his breakfast. "Do you want to have something to eat?", I ask Gemma politely. Before she has the chance to snap at me again I add "We'll have the conversation, I promise.". My calm state catches her out of guard and her mask crumbles for a second. Her eyes gain a loving look and her face expression turns soft. "I'd love to have some pancakes", she says, her voice a little softer. I give her an honest smile and place a plate on the table. She takes a seat and I grab a plate for myself and sit on the opposite side of her.

"So, why did you do it? Why did you all of the sudden text Louis on new year's eve? Why did you say all those things in the interview? What were you thinking?", Gemma asks denunciatory. I lower my head and swallow the pancake I have in my mouth. "I don't know. It's something about the year. It was supposed to be our 10th year anniversary. It was supposed to be a happy year. But I'm not talking to any of the boys, except Niall. And his album, his fucking album. It was easy to avoid him during the last years, but his album promotions are everywhere. And the directioners are so active again. It nearly impossible to not be reminded of the old times. I miss him, Gems. And I was drunk and full of drugs. I wasn't thinking straight. And I'm so sorry, but it's too late. I can't take it back.". Gemma looks at me. Her angry expression has turned into a pityful one and I can't stand it. I don't want her pity. I'd rather choose her anger, because pity makes me the victim and anger makes me face my mistakes. And I have to face my mistakes.