Here we are on the tenth smash. You would think I would be running out of things to smash or the smashing to smash. But no! You cannot outsmash the smash! The will to smash is not merely a movement, it is an idea! It is the will to bring full force upon an object without restraint!
Confused or confusing? Yes.
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Today I read "Do you Dream of Me in the Next Life" by K-J-Whitten.
TLDR; Honestly, I don't know what I just read. I'm as confused as the gorilla.
Grammar: Stiff - The grammar and word usage is the first thing to bring up because it has impact on everything. Many sentences repeat synonyms one after another again and again to emphasise points while saying the same thing over and over. (Much like this sentence.) Every piece of dialogue is stiff to an inhuman level. I feel robots are talking instead of human beings. The grammar is average, but this stiffness ripples out through everything.
World Building: Pure Tell - What information you learn about the world is dumped all at once and is very sudden. It was difficult and painful to process. And then the things you do learn are so out of the blue and come across as random you have to read it multiple times to be sure you read it correctly. It might be partially because of the grammar as nothing is smooth or has flow.
Plot: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure - The plot is, I am sorry to say, confusing as best. It jumps as much as Bill & Ted's movies. First you got a completely normal scene, turns into tragedy, then all of a sudden you got witches and dragons and gender swapping and... it is not consistent. At least it doesn't feel that way because, again, the grammar is so stiff that there is no flow. So when any plot point comes it feels random. I was left going 'Wat?' every two seconds because I had to reread things to be sure it happened. And then I was still left with 'Wat??'.
Characterization: Everything rolls downhill - The thing about problems is that they tend to roll downhill. Between the stiff grammar and inhuman dialogue, the confusing plot, and the random world building, the impact is felt very heavily on the characters. I could not relate to a single character because they felt inhuman, then when I struggled to understand them and relate to them, their own personality, character traits, and circumstances change so drastically, suddenly, and completely that the same person in different chapters might as well be different people entirely. There is no consistency. You cannot truly grasp a painting when it flips constantly and changes everything about itself every five minutes. When the painting of a boat on the high seas turns into a dog chasing a frisbee into a knight fighting a dragon into a portayal of George Washington, you cannot truly relate to anyone the painting of the boat. And then I am left wondering what their goals, life aspirations, or personalities even are and with every thing leaving me confused, the relationship I have with the characters suffer for it.
I'm not going to rate this. I cannot rate this. I don't know what to rate it. I see reasons to rate it 1, 2, and 3 out of 5, but I cannot settle in myself what its overall stance is, esspecially as we are only three chapters in. Considering it is her first story, then you know what, not bad! My first was SHIT! If this is the level of her first 3 chapters ever, then I think she will do well in the future.
I see potential for 3 out of 5 and with some rewrites, even 4 out of 5. The pieces are there. There are elements of tragedy, supernatural, fantasy, friendship, interesting characters, and so many awesome things, but just because it has potential doesn't mean it is reached.
I see K-J-Whitten as a positive part of the writing community. I like her and don't like having to say all of this, but I feel obligated to be honest, specific, and to help the author understand what my problem is and why.
I'm out with a smashing!
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If you are interested in learning to write, mastering the craft, want some really good reads, or just to chat and hang out with a mature group of adults, feel free to hit me up for a smashing discord book club that has lasted years.
