Curious (mxm)

The Breakup

"Axel, I'm pregnant."

Those were the words that completely altered the path of my life.

It was usually a good thing when your girlfriend tells you that she's pregnant, right? Especially if you love her very much?

The laugh that I let out kind of sounded like a goat. "Ha— what?"

Alyssa and I had been together for over four years now, so of course she was smiling at me like this was the best news in the world.

"I know this isn't what we had planned, but this is a good thing, right?" she exclaimed, placing a hand over her belly. "We've been together for four years, Axe. We're almost in our thirties— we're getting old! I know we're not married and this wasn't a part of our plan, but I love you. And you love me. And we're in a financial position to make it work— Axe, what's going on? Why aren't you happy?"

Oh God. I had to just say it. I had to find a tactful, sensitive way to say it.

"I originally came over here to break up with you," I blurted out. "Because I think I might be gay."

Alyssa stared at me until I felt like my skin was crawling over my body. I was reminded just how cold her eyes could be when she was pissed. "What the fuck?"

Oh shit.

"Oh shit," I said, covering my mouth with my hand. Talk about word vomit. So much for tactful or sensitive, or even remotely sane for that matter. "That came out all wrong."

Her entire body had gone still, except for her mouth, which opened and closed a few times before she was able to form words once again. "How did you mean it to come out?"

This was a stellar time for recovery. "Um, well. I meant that I love you very much. And I always have. And I always will. But as time has gone on, well ... I started to love you, more like ... a sister?"

Ally was bisexual, so I was hoping for some understanding at least. It seemed I miscalculated.

There was absolute shock in her hazel eyes. "This is a joke." She laughed. Her laugh was more of a rush of breath, and not at all like a goat. "Ha. No way. Okay, this isn't really funny, Axel. I'm getting nervous, actually."

"No, um. This is awkward." I cleared my throat. "Like, wow. I envisioned this going poorly, but this is like ... yeah, this is worse than I expected. By a lot."

She took a deep breath. She closed her eyes. She opened them again. "Just, tell me that this is a joke," she said, voice steady. "And we'll go right back to normal. Right? We've been together for four years, we've been having great sex, we're in love, you ... I thought you were going to propose soon?"

"Well, I guess I should be honest," I decided, feeling my heart sink even further. I'd already dug myself into a hole, so I might as well continue digging to hell. "I've been taking Viagra for the past couple of months. I thought it was just, like old age? But now that I think about it, I walked in on Erik jerking off a few months back and I think it fucked me up mentally."

Alyssa took another deep breath. Her hands were now fists and her face was getting very red. I was probably about to get punched. "Walking in on your roommate jerking off doesn't just turn you gay."

I nodded. "Right, probably not for most people. But most people haven't seen ... well, never mind. Um. Anyway. This is awkward. Are you going to hit me now? You look like you're going to hit me and that's okay. You can hit me if you want to hit me."

She shook her head and took a step away from me. "I'm not going to hit you. But what the hell ... Axel, I'm pregnant. With your baby."

Right. Shit. Fuck.

"That's ... that's okay?"

"That is not okay!"

"It will have a great life!" I said, waving my hands a little frantically. "I can teach it how to do stuff with car mechanics. And Erik can help it do its homework. And—"

"You're telling me that the roommate who turned you gay is going to help with the baby's homework? Not you? Not you?"

"Whoa!" I sputtered, really wishing I had taken my phone out of my car. Erik had given me a safe word to text him when things got bad. Not if— but when. Erik was not a positive thinker.

Something told me that Alyssa wouldn't want to see Erik right now.

"We're going to do fine. We can co-parent and stuff. We'll split the time half and half—"

"So my baby can go live with you and the roommate who turned you gay?"

"Okay, I guess he didn't turn me gay, he just jerked off a little and I walked in to borrow a jacket," I defended. My voice was too high-pitched. "I'm not sexually attracted to Erik, really. I'm just not sexually attra— never mind. Doe—"

"Finish that sentence."

"No!" I cried, holding my hands up. "Anyway, I think we should break up."

"No shit."

"I'm going to leave now—"

Alyssa covered her face and my heart dropped when I realized her eyes were glassy. "Get off my lawn. Go away. Go die. I don't even care. I fucking hate you. I fucking hate Erik. Go fuck off."

"Yeah, um, okay," I agreed, and I left.

Losing my girlfriend was the first in many steps towards embracing my new gay self. It was also, apparently, the first step in becoming a father. But that would happen much later.