This is a collection of poems and letters that are unlikely to be sent to their rightful owners. Each supposed-to-be receiver of the works is given names to connect the chapters where they were mentioned and to discover what role they played in the...
It's been a while since our ways were torn apart. How blinding the sun was during that day when we're talking about subjects of gloom and black. I can still remember how blurry my vision was as the tears cover my face and my heart with spikes. It didn't matter whether the people saw me in pain, it was a pain I knew I would have the moment we reach a certain point of the friendship we chose to have. Regret wasn't entirely there but I had hoped that one day, someone will call my name for me to turn and it will be you who'll appear in my sight.
There was never a moment I never thought that day. The reason I write to you today is that every bit of memory of you keeps crawling back every silent night. No matter how many times a smile forms on my face or a giggle slips from my lips, it's always the sound of your hilarious and strange laughter that always sneaks into me. If these words do not impress you, I hope at least you could get what it means to say. I miss you. I miss you so damn much.
The most painful thing for me after we turned our backs from one another is to admit that I could've had a different choice back then. I could've contained what I felt and didn't walk out when I did. I could've realized sooner that it's another cycle of your struggle on managing your emotions. I could've given you more time to think about your decisions without pressuring you to choose me, to choose us. I could've gotten back at you at that white bench despite the tears crawling on my face and said 'sorry' when it's still fresh. I could've sat there and talked to you about it even if it scrunches my heart because that's what a friend does. I could've convinced you to stay when I can and didn't let you fly away when we're already in the same nest. I could've done all that and I still did what I did. For that, I know that an apology is already too late. Even so, I'm sorry and I hope that maybe, someday, you could forgive me for leaving you right there and for leaving our friendship hanging like a bench swing.
I thought that like all the previous heartaches I had with friendships, ours will not be indifferent. Our bond was forged from a technical environment where we both understood the magic our hands and imagination could make. Together, we watched events that fascinated us and made us aware of how similar we are in spite of our contrasting lives. Our arms and sometimes, hands tangled with one another, we explore places where we can breathe and simply act without the prejudice we both suffered and is still suffering from. We've produced hundreds of pictures painted by artificial colors yet display natural sisterhood that I cannot even find to anyone else. You know what? I still keep them, just like how I keep the precious reminders of someone I treat more like a family compared to my blood relatives.
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After contemplating for a long time, I kind of resorted to blaming myself, to be honest. I mean, we both have our fair share of wrongs, but I feel horrible because I think I could've done a better job especially when I'm the older one and the type of sibling to insist that she's the bigger sister. At the end of the day, I discovered that the story behind me blaming myself was about me not having the courage to guide and correct you when I had the chance. I shouldn't have allowed you to be consumed with insecurity and anxiety which constantly bothers you when you're alone in space. I wish you never felt that some of us are comparing you to others because you are your own person and I am a witness to that. We're both survivors from cruelty and irrationality of this world and we both knew that we are strong enough to claim that.
I wish you never felt that I'm siding with someone else instead of you because sisters never give up on each other. I wish I could save you the way your so-called muse could inspire you on creating such beautiful poems. I wish you never felt like I'm going against you when in fact, I want you to be better and I'm asking the help of others to prevent you from being lost. I wish you never felt like I'm the actual poison that killed your trust for another time. However, your feelings, whether they're good or bad in the definition of ethics, are valid for me. It's only natural to feel the way you felt because that's being human.
I'm aware of how sometimes, you overthink how you affect people and how others see you. But you see, the young woman I had many overnights, the girl with a low alcohol resistance that I had drinks with, the sweet daughter that I watch living the relationship I wish I have with my mom, the hopelessly shy student that excitedly cheers when we work together, the journalist that I had fun collaborating with because our passion is of the same wavelength, and most of all, the sister who never failed to be there to console me by watching Chilling Adventures of Sabrina and discussing theories with me while having snacks and iced tea, it's you. I met them all at once and I just knew that the complexity of your character is beautiful. Even if I cannot speak to you, for now, I wish you'd never let anyone say otherwise.
My Gabriela, I guess you never really realize the effect you have on me. You're a force that pushed me to always keep my phone at all times even if I have to risk being caught because I'm worried you might need me anytime. I was like a superhero-wannabe when I can't also save myself from the same stuff you're facing. But, I thought that maybe, I could at least save you. Maybe, I could at least protect this person who obviously deserves everything in the world.
Do you know that I feel jealous sometimes when you brag about your muse? You're quite hard to impress in some aspects and she was able to get that title from you definitely, regardless of the damage she gave you. Do you know how much I wish that someday these days will never come? Fear absolutely raged in me because I only have words to convey what I wanted to tell you and I'm afraid they're not enough. I'm afraid to give you gifts because I should know better about what you did to those other gifts in your house. Do you know that you really hurt me when you said you wanted to leave me in some sort? I don't want to be reduced as a mere person on the crowd in your eyes. I never wanted that. So, when you told me that, my utmost faith that we'll stay together until we graduate was completely shattered. My dreams of continuing the legacy we shared until we attend each other's graduation ceremony faded. My wish for us to experience more places, foods, and activities became nothing like a bubble popped in a second it detached from the bubble stick.
The German philosopher, Arthur Schopenhauer once said, "Every parting gives a foretaste of death, every reunion a hint of the resurrection." It gives my faith strength to never stop believing that our paths will come across once again in the future. And until that day arrives, I will surely treasure our memories together that are as important as gold and silver. Until that day arrives, I will be drawing inspiration from you to live with the hopes of embracing you again and tell you that 'even without rituals and runes, you're my parabatai.'
Let us meet on the bench swing we created on our minds.
