the hating game ; lrh

fifty-six

psa: this chapter is v long apologies in advance!!

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"SORRY, SORRY," ANNA APOLOGISES not-so-sincerely as she shoves past several other students, knocking things out of their hands, in an attempt to reach the seat I have saved for her.

The school bustles around us, everybody finding their seats eagerly to await the beginning of this year's Battle of the Bands. Though I haven't told anybody, even Anna, I decided to enter the competition myself — although my performance slot thankfully isn't until toward the end of the show — and perform one of my original pieces. Since the funeral, I have found significant comfort in songwriting. After months of writer's block, it finally feels like all of my emotions flow freely out onto the page without much provocation at all.

"Have they gone on yet?" Anna asks as she finally makes her way to the seat, shoving her bag into the tiny space at her feet.

"Nobody's gone on yet," I remind Anna, nodding toward the curtains drawn across the stage.

"Right," Anna nods, fishing around in her bag blindly for something. After a moment, she yanks something out, almost whacking the girl in front of her in the head as he does so, and hangs it in front of me. "I brought snacks!"

She drops a bag of Twizzlers in my lap and I open them eagerly, pulling out a stick and chomping into it straight away. "You're my favourite person," I inform Anna as I relish in the taste of my favourite candy. "Have I told you that lately?"

"Definitely not enough," she retorts jokingly, flashing me a smile afterward. "How's the Luke situation?"

I let out a long sigh, my heart sinking slightly at the mention of that idiotic blonde boy — that idiotic blonde boy that tore my heart to shreds and then somehow managed to mend it. Since the funeral, Luke and I have become somewhat closer. Despite what reservations I had in the beginning, I am grateful for everything Luke has done for me since my father's passing. He has been the only person I've felt comfortable being honest with about my feelings, and he has been by my side whenever I need for whatever I need. It doesn't mean I forgive him — and I certainly don't trust him — but it is progress.

I shrug nonchalantly. My friends and family haven't been particularly supportive of my mending my relationship with Luke, and understandably so, so I've attempted to keep Luke-related conversation to a minimum. Granted, it seems as though Calum is warming up to him even slightly.

"I don't know," I admit, letting out another sigh of defeat. While things between Luke and I have been okay as of late, I'm not sure how I should move forward — or whether I even want to. "I'm just taking things slow."

Anna pulls at the Twizzler between her teeth, yanking a piece apart. "Have you forgiven him?" She asks, chewing loudly on the candy.

"No," I shake my head instantly, plucking another stick from the pack. "Maybe a little bit. I don't know." I sigh again and turn to Anna, confused and slightly concerned. "Am I complete idiot for even speaking to him again?"

"I did question your sanity when I found out you were dating," Anna admits, seeming to be joking though I suspect there is more truth to the statement than she lets on. She then sighs, adjusting her stance to a more serious and caring one. "You've been through so much, Rory, and Luke has been there for you in a way that nobody else could. What he did was awful — but he clearly loves you so much. And that's what you need right now."

I let Anna's words turn over in my mind, desperate to determine whether they are true. I want so badly to believe that Luke truly does love me. He has certainly shown in the past few weeks that he regrets what he did, but despite everything I don't know whether I can trust him. I want to give myself to him; I want to confess my love and allow him to have me and hold me and let us be happy together, but I can't. With every turn and every new beginning, at the back of my mind I am filled with a tidal wave horrible, all-consuming doubt. I find myself unable to believe a word passing through Luke's lips, constantly wondering whether they are simply another ploy to embarrass me — another great big trick to finally win this life-long hating game.