Feeling Numb {Noiz X Aoba}

Delta

<<TRIGGER WARNING>>

Blood

PTSD description

Panic attack

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Hey guys! So this is one of my deeper chapters. It gives a lot of insight on just how badly Noiz is hurt. I really like this chapter so I hope you enjoy!

"What's with all the black? You look like you're goin' to a funeral."

"Maybe I am."

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Noiz POV:

My racing heart acted as my alarm clock when I woke up the next morning. Aoba remained sleeping next to me. His back against my chest and my arm draped over him. You said you loved him...I couldn't get that out of my head. I told Aoba I loved him and he didn't reply. Maybe he was just tired? He was practically asleep when I said it...I racked my brain, over thinking the whole night. Or maybe he didn't say it because he doesn't love you. That's the most reasonable explanation.

I got up from the bed, careful not to wake Aoba. I made my way into the bathroom across the hall. I could feel my heart beginning to race, my breath shortening and my chest tightening. It's happening again. A panic attack. I've had panic attacks ever since I was younger. It came with the territory of having PTSD. But I haven't had one in so long...Why now?

I ran and finally made it into the bathroom. I had to balance myself on the counter, staring at my reflection in the mirror. I studied myself. My eyes were wide and searching for something. My complexion seemed to become increasingly pale. My stomach felt like it was turning inside out and my head was close to exploding. Of course he didn't say he loved you. Look at you. You're nothing. And who could love someone who looked like you? All those piercings...That mop of blonde hair. Aoba's way too good for you, and he knows it. My thoughts became darker and darker and it started getting harder to dictate what I was thinking and what I was feeling.

My heart raced even faster, the room around me seemed to spin and shift. To avoid the spinning walls, I looked to the ground. The tiles shifted and twisted beneath me. My stomach lurched. I suddenly found myself slipping to the ground, my heart beating from within my sweat covered chest. Hot tears formed in my eyes, spilling onto my cheeks as I clutched my own chest as to stop the pain. I clenched my teeth not wanting to make a sound. Aoba was sleeping. What if you were to wake him? Then he'd see how pathetic you really are. I bit my lip, trying to hold back the cries that wanted so badly to escape. I couldn't breathe, and my lungs screamed for air. I needed a release. A release for the pain. As I scoured his bathroom, I found a small shaving razor. It wouldn't hurt. I could block the pain...Physical pain would be much easier to deal with than this...

I gripped the razor in my hand, unable to bring it to my wrist. More tears flowed from my eyes, my breath left me in jagged gasps. I need to go...Aoba's just in the other room...I attempted to calm myself to no avail. Blood slowly oozed from my clenched fist. The blade. I couldn't stop my heart from racing, and the room from spinning. What's going on...?!? I've never had an episode like this one...

"Noiz!" I heard the shout after I felt warm arms embrace me. I realized I was shaking. Aoba's arms wrapped around me. He placed his hands on either side of my face, trying to get me to look at him.

"Noiz, it's okay...I'm right here. It's alright..." His voice was calm and quiet, almost a whisper.

"Please...don't go...Please, Aoba, don't leave me..."I could hear my voice, but it sounded unfamiliar to me. It sounded broken and scared, every word shaking.

"I'm not going anywhere, Noiz. I'm right here. Please look at me." I brought my teary eyes to meet his amber gaze. My body shook as another cry ripped through my chest. Aoba guided me to sit against him as he held me, my head on his chest, his arms wrapped around me protectively. His scent covered me and I could feel myself begin to slow down.

"Do you need anything? Do you have anything, like medicine? Does this happen often?" Aoba asked me questions, one after the other. But it was all I could do to grip him tightly and lay against him. I was afraid to speak. What would I say? For him to see me like this...

"I'm...Broken." I whispered. I could hear Aobas heart skip a beat.

"No, Noiz. You're not. You're just used to feeling numb." He held me tighter as tears spilt from my eyes. His hands gently rubbing my back soothingly.

After what seemed like an eternity, Aoba was able to calm me down.

"Noiz, your hand..." He reached for my still clenched fist and I pulled away from him. I didn't want him to see the blade I held in my grip. I didn't want him to look at me differently. Blood spilt from my fist, pooling on the ground. I felt a bit light headed, but the cut itself didn't hurt.

"No, I'm okay..." I said, pulling away from him. I stared down at the t-shirt he pulled over me earlier. It was grey, and now stained with blood.

"Noiz. Give me your hand. I wasn't asking." I hesitated before placing my fist in his open hand.

"It's fine. It doesn't hurt, Aoba."

"Open your hand."

I hesitated.

"Open your hand, Noiz. Please. Let me help you." He replied, his voice gentle again. I complied, and opened my bloodied hand. The little silver blade was now crimson, my hand was red as well, covered in blood from the deep laceration.

"I didn't think it was that bad..." I said, more to myself than to Aoba. Aoba reached for the disinfectant and a cloth. He dampened the cloth and started to wipe the blood away from the wound.

"It's pretty bad. Maybe you need stitches...I think I should take you to the hospital." He spoke rapidly and quietly I could barely catch what he said.

"It's fine. It doesn't hurt me-"

"It hurts me, Noiz! I don't like to see you bleeding! I don't like to see you hurt!" He interrupted me, looking me straight on, his amber eyes rimmed with tears and filled with passion. I was caught off guard.

"I didn't know what to do besides hold you...I'm sorry...It hurts me to see you like this. And it hurts that I don't know what to do..." Aoba gripped onto my shirt, his head leaning against my chest.

"Aoba...please. It's my fault. I don't know what I was thinking. It was a panic attack, and I hadn't had one in so long that I was unsure how to deal with it." No, he's angry. You made him mad. This is your problem, why are you dragging him into this!

"Noiz, please. Next time, just wake me up. I can try to help before it happens again." He continued trying to clean my hand.

"Okay." Was all I could reply.

"Noiz...I love you, too." My heart skipped. I looked at him, trying to confirm what I heard but he was intently focused on cleaning the cut.

After he wrapped my hand, we laid on the couch together. I leaned against Aoba as he wrapped his arms around me. I laid my head against his chest and heard the steady rhythm of his heart. My eyes were tired, and I wanted nothing more than to sleep. I looked at the clock beside the couch. It read: 3:34 a.m. My body ached and my head throbbed.

"Aoba-." My voice was hoarse from my crying earlier.

"Shhh. When you want to talk about it, or anything, I'm here. I'll always be right here." His voice was filled with sleep, he must be just as tired as me. His hand found mine and we entwined our fingers. I could feel his breathing slow as he gave into sleep, his arms still wrapped around me protectively, as if he could defend me from myself.

"Aoba..." I looked up to see his face.

"Noiz?" Aoba replied with a sleepy smile.

Our lips met in a gentle embrace, the taste of him lingering just slightly. It was sweet and slow, and felt comforting. My head rested below his chin, and I drifted off into a dreamless sleep just as we were.

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"This one's for your warden."

-CAS