Build me a Daddy

Chapter Six-Making Plans & Mental Battles

~~Pepper's point of view~~

It's been a week since Sebastian and Fawn dropped their news. I'm happy for them. They have asked that we all sit down and discuss their plans. Fawn insists she isn't doing anything without me. I understand I'm all she has. Sebastian has been staying at our house. Luka comes over every day after he is done with his cars.

It's not been terrible, and Luka isn't that bad. We still have our rough moments, but there are some sweet ones too. His bond with Phoenix and Fawn amazes me. That gets to me more than Fawn getting married. I don't have that kind of bond with anyone. No one has ever tried with me. I have Sebastian, but I don't have the type of relationship Fawn does with Luka.

I can say I have struggled mentally and internally with everything. I never let it show. I do my sulking in my own bedroom. I refuse to let Fawn see it. I don't want her thinking I'm not happy for them. It's just a lot to handle. She is technically my child. All parents go through mental struggles when their children get married, don't they?

If not, then I may need crazy medicine because my mind is in shambles. My ducks are not in a row, my marbles are scattered, and the fruit is missing from my fruit cake. I have felt like I have had rocks in my head the last week.

It's me in my own head. It was like this right after our parents died and then after Tim walked out. Both of those are bad situations. Why do I feel like this when this is a good thing? It's a feeling of emptiness. Like I am losing something that can't be replaced. I mean, I'm not losing Fawn; she will literally be five streets over.

I excuse myself from the office and go to the bathroom. I like that it's a private bathroom. No one can hear me crying from the next stall. I made sure to grab my pure to fix my face. It's truly been a struggle keeping it together. I just walk away, have my meltdown, fix my face, and move on. Despite how I feel in my head, I can't let others see me struggle. They never see me not perfect on the outside.

I have never been perfect. I have always been overweight. It got worse when Tim left. I sometimes wonder if that is why he left. I'm my weight had something to do with it. That is not even important right now. What I need to worry about is getting my shit straight in my own head.

It's been three and a half years since I have felt like this. I just have to let it run its course. It will eventually go away. I just hope it doesn't take forever. Each time this happens, I find it harder and harder to fight it. I clean my face and go back to my desk.

Helene: "Are you ok?"

Pepper: "I'm fine."

Lying is so easy. I hate that it is. She lets it go, and I am thankful. When Sebastian is here, and I'm slow, he allows me help with his paperwork. I double as his secretary. I am grateful today that he had paperwork that he needed to be filed. He pushed his file cabinet into my office, and all three of us carried the files from his office to ours. 

Luka: "Pepper?"

My head swings up.

Pepper: "What are you doing here?"

Luka: "It's lunch. Sebastian is going out with Fawn and Phoenix. Since he stole my lunch dates, I thought I'd come steal his. Go to lunch with me."

I glance at Helene; her mouth is hanging open in shock. I don't get why. I have told her that he has been hanging out at my house. Phoenix pops his head in the office.

Pepper: "You can come in, Nix."

He comes over and jumps on my lap.

Luka: "They came with me. I bought a car seat."