An autobiography of my life

My Days in high school {part 4} "my last year"

On Monday August 22, 2022, was the official starting of school and 4th form . On the first day, the compound was so full, you couldn't even find your own friends and likewise, your own friends couldn't find you either. However, the day was sunny and the atmosphere was filled with excitement and optimism as always. And everywhere you look, you see students with their new bags, new shoes and tennis and beautiful hairstyles. Well that isn't something new to see every first day of school at least not to me. I wasn't nervous or anything because it was something that I've been seeing over and over again. Anyways, after I parked my bicycle with the other bikes, I happily walked to my class to greet my classmates and my beloved friends. And since I am a very popular person, A lot of different people kept calling my name from all directions. But let's continue this chapter shall we?{Ummm...so where will i start from?}. Ah yes .

So for the past few months being a 4th former and being on the last lap is a total pain in the BEHIND!!!!. But sometimes it has it's perks, it's ups and it's downs and a lot more..... But anyways it's also been almost like 6 or 10 months since I last updated this chapter too and the people who have been supporting me is like "Teesha please finish the book it is very interesting to read", "Teesha when will you start writing again?" and of course "Teesha when will the last chapter come out?". And i would sometimes be like when i feel like having interest in doing so. But lately i don't feel like i have the will to want to continue and just been feeling completely empty, hopeless, numb to expressing how i feel and just like communicating with no one anymore and feel like dying . And i'll explain how i end up in this little ball of frustration in a minute.

So sit back grab a snack and let's travel back to the past-present of my life where things went wrong.{And no i don't mean just the little things Lol.....A LOT like, Big things that i did not expect to take a turn that killed me completely emotionally, spiritually and mentally.} . It all started when i started to experience extreme happiness that lasts for months followed by horrible depression episodes that lasts me for months as well. There were times in my life where i just started to lean on the negative side of life and lose interest in everything and completely isolate myself from around everybody and eventually i started to experience poor blood flow in my body making me pass out almost immediately. I kept filling myself up with the worst of thoughts and being controlled by my mind and not my heart. I managed to chase it away for some while and then it would return as if it's something seasonal like the different types of fish in different seasons.

There was a time in my life where i wanted to die completely and never return to this place called earth.{yeah i know and probably you as the reader wants to know why would i want to i want to die so badly?}. Well the answer is that because i can't handle stress, anxiety and depression all at once . Until at some point i just want to turn to the most unhealthy habits like drinking {something i been saying i would never want to do even when i'm in such a state welp (-_-)...}, wanting to cut myself etc. {Look, I know it's not something good to be mentioning in a autobiography but i just had to include it since this is about my life and all events and situations weather they are good, bad and very ugly}. Like in the movies, every bad beginning must have a beautiful ending right?. Whereby the main character{me}, ends up and having a major comeback from all the bad things ending it off with a great bang , kicking my demons to the curve and just close it off right?

Therefore, all the paragraphs and the whole explanation on how i ended up where i am ending up slowly was just the past{well apart of my past to be specific}. Fast forwarding back to reality or should I say the "future" , I have a lot going on too. Things from my past beating me up, Not having a strong sense of focus in class and just to wonder away with music in my ears to my other world to escape the harsh reality which i know does not solve the problem. I describe the entire feeling or so called emotion as being trapped in a corner with all the evil whispers of harmful voices repeating the hurtful words over and over again like knives being thrown at the wall to hit the target. Or falling off a cliff or being thrown off a empty boat into the deep blue water just floating down deeper and deeper.

At school, i sit alone for break everyday under the auditorium on the left side in a little corner and just watch the students in brown and white uniform turns into figures in the distance. Sometimes i want to cry but i don't , and even if i was being low-key for a long while alone, i would never feel lonely because i have music to comfort me and teleport me to another place and i would feel a sign of relief in my mind and in my heart writing away in my journal and just find ways and means to express my emotions through art itself. But since i'm not doing so good, i no longer have my phone for right now neither music which i listen to everyday of my life to bring me comfort, it also boost my mood, helps me write better and create beautiful art in my sketchbook you know. I'm just upset that i don't have my phone with my music to make me feel better and just relax alone but no i have to listen to the sounds of reality when i want to block it out and don't have anything to do with it.

There are also sometimes at school when i hit rock bottom so badly i am unable to motivate myself, participate and even to eat and sleep{from insomnia sometimes} and just wonder to myself why did i do this to my self?, why didn't i just listen to the advice given to maybe help me? and why am i so stubborn? . If i could compare my entire life to two objects, those objects would be a hourglass and maybe a dramatic movie whereby the hourglass represents time that i wasted and a dramatic movie that represents having emotional outbursts every now and again and finding ways to control it. And no matter what i always have to stick to the script even if i don't want to i have to because it's apart of life. so as you all can see or should i say read lol...this was who i was slowly becoming as a person and not because i'm a coward or because i'm not a smart person or anything else behind it all but sometimes i can get super lazy in the process caught up in my own feelings and horrible mentality or what i refer to as being your own problem i just immediately take a step back and allow myself to fail right there by not doing one and two assignments and just frustrate myself. {probably you're asking or wanting to know why i do this to my self honestly, my brain is overfilled with too much invalid thoughts that were never supposed to be there in the first place and i also forgot to to mention i am a heavy over-thinker and many of you can relate to something similar}.But at the end of the day it's left up to me to make myself happy and pass to Go further and make use of who i am and to become greater before the real world define who i am. 

Hey guys i am finally back from a decade of what seems to be called a break. I know, I know i said i would update the book but i didn't and i'm so sorry it has taken me ages to do {To be honest all i was doing was eating junk and lazying around lol}. A lot of wild yet thrilling events has occurred in my life and I've been here just chilling as i always do. Anyways with that said enough with the chit-chat and let's get down to business shall we? . So sit back, grab a snack and let's venture back in time when my final years of high school was coming to an end. Back in the month of April, my life was still a complete mess filled with depressing and intense emotions {stay tuned to read more folks ;) }. each and everyday I've been at high school some days the atmosphere would be sad, other happy and most, angry. The worst thing that have happened to me was that i lost certain people from my life {Meaning me and other people completely stopped talking to one another}. And suddenly i found myself all alone with no one there anymore or at least that's what I thought.

 {TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW}....