The Marauders: Year Three | #Wattys2016

Sleepless Night

Sleepless Night

Remus laid in bed that night staring at the wall, unable to sleep. He could hear the other boys' deep breathing and knew all three of them were in deep slumber, but sleep just wouldn't come for him, not matter what he did. He tried counting hippogriffs and singing quietly to himself and just laying with his eyes closed. But nothing could make the rest he craved so much to come, things just kept burning holes in his mind - one after another - mental images that made his teeth grit and his muscles tighten, pictures in his head that he couldn't quite explain the meaning of... like Sirius's hand on James's shoulder earlier that evening.

He'd wanted to shout at Sirius when he'd done it.

Why can you touch him and not me?

Why can you hug James and not me?

What did I do wrong?

Remus rolled over in bed so that he was staring up at the ceiling instead, restless, moving his legs several times, trying to find a comfortable way to place them across the mattress. It was like the fibers of his sheets and blankets were made of daggers that kept stabbing at him in every position he tried and he felt tears burning his eyes. The scars on his arms started throbbing and his knees ached and his eyes travelled to the sliver of moonlight out the window.

Why does every bloody thing have to suck? he wondered.

And just like that, he started crying. He felt like a horrible, big baby, but there was no stopping it. He grabbed the pillow and smashed his face into it, his breaths rasping and wet as he tried to sob as silently as possible into the cotton, his face crumpled, shoulders shook.

He felt like he cried for hours. Every noise he heard in the room, he thought that maybe one of the boys had woken up - maybe Sirius - maybe the big black dog would come and make it better and lick his tears away like he had so many times before... but there was no sign of Snuffles. Eventually he ran out of tears and his breathing leveled out, his heart ached and the sobbing stopped and still, sleep eluded him.

Dawn came, cruel and bright, and Remus felt as though his eyes had been forced open by a permanent sticking charm as the sun's rays came through the window, settling on his face. He felt sick from the night of crying and his stomach ached, like there was a great big knot that had been tied somewhere in it's lining.

When the other boys woke up, it was to the realization that today was the first day of holidays and those who would be going home for it would be leaving the castle on the Hogwarts Express in just a few short hours - which means Remus and Peter. Peter got up with a hustle in his step and excitement radiating from him, looking forward to his mum's cooking that night. He kept mentioning that she had promised to make him a roast chicken and garlic mashed potatoes with gobs of butter that night and he packed his trunk with urgency that was unlike Peter as James watched, yawning and stretching in bed.

Sirius remained asleep.

Remus half-heartedly stuffed a couple textbooks in a book bag. He didn't need his entire trunk to go back and forth for the holidays, so even though Peter was working much faster and rushing about, Remus was still ready to go before him. James looked over as he bent forward to grab onto his toes as part of his stretching and he noticed the red puffiness of Remus's eyes. "You okay? You look funny," he said.

"Thanks," said Remus dryly.

"No I just mean because your face, you look tired is all," James tried to fix it.

"I didn't get much sleep," Remus replied.

James asked, "Was it for all the damn snoring Peter always does?"