When Liv faced a loss that would rewrite her entire life, she stepped away from her work. A year and a half later, she returns to the BAU in search of normalcy; so she can finally move on. On a new team, Liv is immediately thrown into the game of ca...
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✺✺✺ Liv did not acknowledge Hotch unless she absolutely had to, in which case she forced herself to maintain the most polished and empty professionalism possible.
This was a fact that, while it escaped most of the team, did not escape Morgan. "You should probably talk to him."
"Why? The case is over." Liv didn't bother to look up from her book. They were on the jet ride home, and ever since Liv had been rendered useless to the case, she was actually looking forward to being back.
Morgan rolled his eyes at her, lacking the tolerance most of the team had for her Liv-like manner. "Because ever since you shut him out, he's been unbearably unpleasant."
"He's our boss, he's not supposed to be a walk in the park."
Morgan reached across the space between their seats that faced each other, snatching her book out of her hands. She looked at him with a bored expression, giving him just about as much to work with that she did to Hotch. "Liv."
"He kicked me off the case." She said quietly, even though Hotch was at the opposite end of the jet.
"As he should've." Morgan responded, earning no grace from her.
"You suck."
He let out a light laugh at that, shaking his head before looking back at her. "C'mon pretty girl, you know you shouldn't of-"
"You can spare me the lecture, Derek." She interrupted.
"Would you just listen to me?" He shot back, taking her silence as a cue to continue. "There are protocols for this type of thing, and we can only risk so much before we cross that line. Trust me, I'm the king of it."
Liv let out a breath before saying softly, "I know I broke the rules."
"That's the thing." Morgan continued with intention, obviously aching to set her mind straight. "You shouldn't of gone in there, Liv. But he shouldn't of gone after you, either. And he knew that."
Liv contemplated the validity of his words in silence, slightly rocked by the seriousness of his expression. She couldn't find the words to say, and she didn't need to, because Morgan was already rising from his seat. "You should talk to him."
And she pondered doing so for the rest of the flight.
When they made it back to the BAU, everyone groaned in relief at the chance to be able to sleep in their own beds. Liv couldn't deny the fact she was a little grateful for the chance too. Most of them were out of there immediately, considering it was already evening and they had been working around the clock for the past two days. She wasn't far behind them, hesitating as she watched Hotch sink down into his chair through his office window. Why he wasn't going home like the rest of them; she didn't know, but as each body slipped out the door, she gave more
merit to Morgan's words. Whatever they were supposed to mean.
She hesitated outside the door of his office. Was Morgan implying what she thought he was implying? And if so, was it true?
She knocked her hand against the door frame before stepping in, tearing his attention away from the files and papers in front of him. He had a pen in hand, but once his eyes landed on her, he immediately set it down.
"Hey..." She started, walking in slowly. She hadn't thought about what she would say. All she knew was that Morgan may have been right, and if so, she couldn't just leave.
"Hi."
Her hands fumbled for her necklace before realizing it wasn't there, falling limply at her sides. "I came to... apologize. For doing something stupid; I shouldn't have." She said, before hesitating.
"But I would do it again."
"I know." He said, watching her with an expression that now lacked any rage at all. She sighed at his sudden empathy, mulling over the words in her head before deciding to be honest.
"How do you ever get over, not being able to save them?"
He drew in a thoughtful breath, not taking even a second to look away from her, but instead kept his eyes still, intently, like he needed her to know he was all there. "Sometimes you don't."Liv's stomach sunk a little at his words, even though she knew they were the answer all along. A part of her feared she would never be able to accept that.
"We do this job to save as many people as we can, but I don't want that to be at the expense of yourself."
"Why not?" She immediately questioned in return. Was that not part of the job? Wasn't every case a risk for themselves?
"You are someone we can't afford to lose."
She stared at him. Liv thought about the way he pulled her out of that building when she refused to do it herself. She thought about the memory of Ben's figure begging her to let herself be loved again. She thought much of Morgan holding her while she collapsed, knowing without fail that she had no say in any of this. Liv tricked herself into believing she was refusing anything, when really, she already cared. She cared much more than she realized. And for that, she thought about her dream from a few nights prior to. She mulled over the feeling of being held once again. She couldn't help but hate herself for how she cherished the idea. No matter the loathing it sparked, this time, she didn't try to expel it from her mind. This time, she let it exist.
"I think that's selfish."
The corner of his mouth twitched upwards before falling flat again. "Perhaps it is."Liv felt like she was approaching a crossroads. She wanted to ask a million questions. Why did he care so much? Why did she? Why was he looking at her like that when he spoke? Why was she dreaming of his touch, only to replay it in her mind ten times over?
"Hotch-" She started.
Words hits the back of her teeth at a speed she couldn't process, and while she felt like she wanted to say everything, she couldn't settle on anything. Instead she looked blankly at him, cheeks flushing hot as she felt like a speechless idiot. What was she doing?
"Nevermind." She was quick to say. Hotch's mouth opened like he was prepared to interject, but she didn't give him the chance. Instead, she looked anywhere but at him, spun on her heel, and got herself the hell out of that room. ✺✺✺
