Tomorrow's Blues

43. Turmoil

I tried to approach Alice a few times at school over the next week. Well, more than a few times. I knew that she was still so mad at me, but my conversation with Catherine had convinced me to keep trying. If Catherine wasn't angry at me, Alice could forgive me. I hoped.

I managed to accidentally corner her while she was printing something out at school, and as soon as she saw me, she immediately went to leave but I blocked the doorway. "Wait. Please, just give me a second to talk."

She said nothing and kept her gaze firmly on the wall behind me, as if I wasn't even there. But she didn't try to push past me. I took this as my chance, even if she didn't listen to a single thing I said. "Look, I know you're still so angry at me, and you have every right to be. But Alice, you need to know, I didn't find out about the Violetta thing until you told me, I swear. And I know being with Joseph was wrong, I know that." Alice didn't say anything, so I kept going. I didn't even know what I was saying, words were just pouring out. I hadn't done all that much talking these past couple of weeks, and it was all coming out now. "And I didn't mean for it to happen. It shouldn't have happened. But he helped me, Alice." My voice cracked slightly. "I...I was broken. I still am. But I'm trying to get better. And Joseph...he made me feel like I could be happy again. And I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but it's the truth."

Her eyes flickered to me. For a second, I thought I saw softness there, but then her face hardened again. "You had us. You had your friends. Were we not enough?"

My mouth opened, but no words came out. At first her statement made me feel guilty, but then I thought about it, and I started to get angry, my hands curling into fists. "Alice, unless you know how it feels to lose both of your parents, you can't say that sort of shit." She blinked. "Nothing is ever enough when your parents die. Don't you realise that? And I don't want to use that as an excuse, and I don't want you to forgive me just because I'm the poor orphaned girl whose parents are dead. But Alice, I am trying to heal. I am trying my best and I won't apologise for turning to Joseph for support. I'll apologise for being with him behind your back – I'll be apologising for that for a long time – but for trusting him and for turning to him when I needed someone like that, I am not sorry. Especially when you've done your share of secret keeping." I hadn't been intending to bring that up, and I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do, but I'd said it now. My words hung in the air as Alice just looked at me, her expression unreadable. Without saying anything else, I turned and left.

At the end of the day, I got the bus back from school into the town centre, wanting to wander round for a bit before I went home. I had homework to do, but my mind was focused on other things. My feet began to take me to a place where I hadn't been in a long time, towards the cliffs where the Newacre lighthouse stood. Where my dad had proposed to my mum. The sky was starting to darken, the sun beginning to set, bringing lots of people to sit by the lighthouse and watch the view. I sat on a rock a bit apart from everyone else, watching the sun go down. Clouds dotted the sky, which only made the sunset more beautiful to me.

And then a familiar figure walked past a few metres away, accompanied by somebody blonde. My heart stopped. It was Joseph, and... Millie. I breathed out. Not Violetta. They didn't see me but sat down a little way away. My gaze was fixed on Joseph. He was okay. I swallowed and dragged my eyes back to the view, but knowing that Joseph was sat just there, after over two weeks of not seeing him, meant that I couldn't focus whatsoever on the sunset. My eyes kept flicking back to him. I didn't know if I wanted him to turn and see me, or if I should get up and leave now before he could see me.

I let out a sigh. I had to leave. Seeing him there, not being able to talk to him, was too much for me. I stood and turned my back on the view, slowly walking away from the lighthouse.