Virgin Lips

13. The way you make me feel

A FEW YEARS AGO

When I saw them, my heart immediately went ablaze, and in one of my most expected fight or flight responses, I hid behind the wall. When Faith told me a new friend of hers would join us for lunch, I expected it to be someone from the public relations department, since that's what she's majoring in and never ceases to talk about the wonders of it. I never thought it would be the one person I desired to see the most yet at the same time always ran away from.

I should have kept my mouth shut. It's typical of Faith to jump the gun like that. She caught me off guard that one time I was staring at him from afar, so I blurted out everything. Yes, I have a crush; no, I barely know him, we're just in the same criminology class together; yes, we've spoken but we're not friends. Jeremy Fahey. Bane of my existence yet the only ray of sunshine in this bleak universe called college life.

I've never been great at making friends, that's a given. And my fight or flight response is heavily unbalanced towards flight. So, when cute and nice Jeremy started talking to me in class, I went from zero to awkward real fast. No wonder he hasn't spoken to me since. That's why more than a crush, this is just the ludicrous product of a creative mind that's been overworking. That or, delayed adolescent idiocy. Maybe both, who knows. The fact remains, Jeremy is my kryptonite, and my alleged best friend was just about to ambush me with it.

I shouldn't have been much surprised, though. Ever since I told her about him, Faith has been dead set on pushing me into talking to him, claiming I ought to at least try. But why?

You never know, if you never try, she says. I don't need to try, because I already know, I say. It's not rocket science anyway. If he wanted to talk to me, he would have, instead he just glances at me now and then, probably wondering whether I'm just awkward or crazy-awkward. Then again, he wouldn't be that wrong in deeming me crazy, because it wasn't so hard to memorize his schedule.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't just so I could hide behind a wall and stare at him with hearty eyes, no. It was more self-preservation: one of the basic rules of war according to Sun Tzu is, know your enemy. Some random cute guy that melts your insides at every smile and makes you feel like the world might actually be a better place only because he's in it, is indeed your enemy.

I have plans and ambitions, and I will realize them. Love life isn't contemplated in these projects, at least not until my career situation is stable. Not to mention the fact that Jeremy is way too cute for me. Just look at him, friendly and nice to talk to, while I'm a walking disaster that can barely utter a few words altogether unless it's for an exam. That's actually the funny part: in exams, be it written or oral, I shine, but in casual conversations? I don't even know where to start.

However, I'll admit that seeing Jeremy talk so amiably with Faith did make me a little bit ... jealous. No, it's not sane to be jealous when the person isn't even your friend, let alone boyfriend, yet I did feel that awful pang to my heart. Faith is a knockout, no doubt about that, any guy would be lucky to be with her.

Sighing, I dropped back against the wall, hidden from their sight. Not all of us can afford to be romantic, Charlotte Lucas came to my mind. Well, her movie version, to which the quote belongs.

But I've always been Charlotte Lucas. I love Pride and Prejudice to bits, but I was never Lizzie. I was always halfway between her sister Mary (who many often forget) and her best friend Charlotte. You know, those wallflowers that are well aware nothing too exciting is going to come her way, romantically speaking, so they just set their eyes on a reachable horizon. Well, I wouldn't marry Mr. Collins, not even I am that desperate, but you get the point.

The dangers of being a reader involve this, too, you know. Setting your expectations too high, which inevitably results in scorching disappointments. So why set myself up for failure by looking for a Mr. Darcy, when I know full well my choice is between Mr. Collins and the celibate that presumably ended up being Mary Bennet's life?