Virgin Lips

22. Would I ever lie to you?

"So ..." Jeremy cleared his throat when we got to my door. Well, my building's door. Close enough, I guess.

"Thanks." I smiled bravely. "I had fun." Feels like I say that at every date, and every date ends the same way. I don't know whether to be glad we're still doing this or confused as to whether we're stuck in a loop or not.

"Me too." He grinned, hands stuffed in his pockets. This time, however, he did something that took me off guard. Jeremy, who had always kept a somewhat safe distance between us at every date – other than hands casually brushing here and there –, this time almost closed the gap between us.

It was enough for me to have to look up, him being slightly taller than me, and enough for him to probably spot the imperfections behind Valerie's perfect makeup art. I may be a complete ignorant when it comes to people, but even I knew what was about to happen. It was about time, may I add. After 4 weeks, at least a dozen dates, it was time, it had to be time.

Jeremy looked evidently nervous, though. During the time spent together I discovered that he's just as socially awkward as I am, which is a blessing and a surprise, but also makes things a bit more difficult between us. Introvert + Introvert equals Super Introvert and barely any steps taken while dating, you know. That's why after so many dates, so much time spent on super nerdy dates and equally nerdy texting, we still haven't kissed.

It'd be funny if it wasn't so frustrating: number of times I kissed my allegedly gay neighbor that apparently dropped off the face of the earth? two; number of times I've kissed the guy I've been dating? Zero. Even I know there's something off with that count, at the very least it should be the opposite.

"Would it be too ... cheeky of me if I asked to come up?" Jeremy wondered, his voice lowering a bit. Before I could answer, however, he pulled slightly back, justifying: "I just don't want this perfect night to end." He blushed the slightest. "I'm not ... uh ..." ah, there it is, the Jeremy I know, awkward and shy. He scratched the back of his head, clearing his throat nervously. "I'm sorry, I realize it sounded like I want ... you know ..." Yeah, yeah, I know. "But ... I just thought we could, I don't know, have a drink, talk some more?"

I mean, why not? "Okay."

"Really?"

I chuckled. I think I may have found the one guy that's even more shy than I am. Or rather, he's not truly that shy, just he's nervous, as if terrified he'll say the wrong thing and ruin everything between us. I can't deny I understand that fear all too well. However, I promised to Valerie that I would do everything in my power not to retreat into my safe cocoon. I need to live a little, as she says.

And maybe Ben has been gone for weeks now, but doesn't mean I can't go on and get out of my shell like he so wanted me to. I shook my head slightly in order to chase away the thought of Ben. We text, sure, but he always ignores me when I ask if/when he's coming back and what is he up to.

"Let's go." I told Jeremy, smiling boldly, and unlocked the door. This has to work. 20-year-old me would scream in delight, our crush finally coming over, finally talking to us, paying attention to us, which, now I know, he already did back in the day. He just was too shy to really act on it.

Jeremy and I walked to the elevator in silence. I don't know whether he was trying to think of the next steps or he just likes silence as much as I do. Maybe the latter. These four weeks I found out we have a lot in common, from the love for books and overall learning new things, to all that nerdy stuff that most of the people around us don't understand. I can't help but regret my actions even more now, we could have connected really well back in the day, if only I'd been braver. But I guess it's better late than never, right?