Virgin Lips

35. We're friends

BEN

I remained there staring at her for the longest time after her outburst. A book. This feels like a book. Why am I not surprised? That she would start convincing herself none of this is real? Any girl would maybe think I'm lying – would be understandable after all that happened –, but not Joanna, no. Joanna believes it's not real. I don't know whether to laugh or worry. I heaved a deep sigh, trying to gather as much calmness as I could. Then, I pinched her arm.

"Ow!"

"There, did you feel that?" I asked.

"Of course, I did!" Joanna protested, rubbing her arm while sending me a dirty look.

I chuckled. "Then it's real, you crazy girl! Or should I believe you have hallucinations?"

"Ben, that's not what I was saying ..."

"What is it with you? Why does everything need to have a reason? Some things just don't have an explanation! There's no why to everything!"

"But why-" she stopped herself mid-sentence, well aware that she was proving my point, and I couldn't help but laugh, gaining yet another dirty look from her.

"Ok, let's see," I pursed my lips for a moment, then pushed her against the wall – gently, of course, I'm not a savage, come on –, caging her. "You wanna know why I love you." I said out loud, just so she would finally register those 3 words she keeps on rejecting.

"You don't-"

"I do." I smiled faintly.

"Ben ..."

"No, listen to me." I cupped her cheeks, invading her personal space by closing the gap between us – not because I intended to do who knows what, but because I know that when I do this type of thing she gets flustered and loses control over herself. That's when she's the most truthful, namely when her repressed mind doesn't have time to tell her what to think or say. "You are amazing just the way you are."

"If you're gonna start quoting Bruno Mars, I'm out." She scoffed, causing me to chuckle.

"You know what I mean."

She rolled her eyes. "I've done nothing to ... deserve it."

"Who says love is deserved?"

"Well ..."

"It's not meritocratic, JoJo. Love is just ... love."

She grimaced. "Can you stop saying that word ..."

"Why? Is it making you uncomfortable?" I pushed against her. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"Yeah, is he?" A third voice interjected. When we both turned to the left, we saw a tall beefy man in his late 30s staring at us – or rather me – sternly and suspiciously. The owner of the restaurant, I'm guessing. "Did anyone ever teach you that no means no?" He spat.

"It's not what you think ..." I tried to mend, well aware that he was getting the absolutely wrong idea.

"Yeah, yeah, never is ..." he scoffed, taking a few steps closer to us – or rather, again, to me who was still invading Joanna's personal space.

"It's really not what you think." She murmured, but taking the chance to slip out of my grip. "We're friends." Somehow that sounded more intended for my ears than for his.

✧✧ ✧ ✧ ✧  

JOANNA

The walk back home was more awkward. I tried to focus on literally anything else just to avoid talking to Ben, but it was all in vain. His words kept racing in my mind, over and over again. I'm kinda glad that man from the restaurant interrupted us – very chivalrous of him, by the way, to come in my aid thinking I was being harassed –, and after that, Ben got a call and he needed to come home, so our talk was cut off; but because we live near, we walked. A taxi would have taken us home in a couple of minutes, sparing us both the awkwardness, but no ... we walked. Ugh.

When we got to our building, Ben stopped at the door, almost causing me to crash into him. "Do you ... think you're ready?" He asked in a sigh.

I frowned. "Ready for what?"

Ben rolled his eyes. "JoJo, who do you think called me earlier?"

"You didn't say-oh! Right." Damn, am I dumb. Who could possibly have him rush home so quick? Jeez, Joanna, sometimes you're dumber than the fly that keeps smashing against the closed window when the other is open. Ugh.

"Yes." He turned to me. "So, I'm asking you, do you think you're ready?"

To meet her. Meet Elle. I pursed my lips for a moment. "I ... don't know." How horrible can it be to meet a 9-year-old? I mean, I hate meeting people and I'm not exactly great with children, but I'll have to meet her at some point ... I guess. That's if Ben and I will still ... ugh, I don't know anything anymore.

"That's alright." Ben spoke softly, nodding. "I don't wanna force you." He cracked a small smile.

"No, I ... I should."

"You sure?"

Not at all. But I need to push myself, don't I? I mean, if we're to be uh ... if Ben and I will still ... see each other, then I should meet his daughter, shouldn't I? But the thing is, I am not that certain I forgive him yet. 

The story about Eleanor was sad and heartbreaking, but it doesn't change the fact that he deliberately lied to me for so long. For months. I may sound heartless, but a sob story as explanation (which it isn't quite) and an I love you aren't enough to restore the trust and faith that were broken. Not for me.

"JoJo?"

"I ..." I took a step back. "I need some time."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry, but ... this ... everything is ... it's a lot to digest. I ... need a break."

"That's alright, you can meet her another day."

"No."

Ben's face morphed into such a pained, hurt, disappointed look that I really felt my heart burn. "What ..."

I raised my hands, shaking my head. "I think we should ... I think it's better if we stay away from each other for a while."