Under a Silent Moon

38

Chapter Thirty-Eight: We Thought You Were Dead

ZACK

Lizzy's looking up at me with her big brown eyes. I try to look away, but my memories are invasive. It was these eyes that I looked into when I first said "I love you" to someone. In hindsight, maybe it was only lust. Either way, I felt something real. And I'll do anything to feel something real again.

As these thoughts intrude my subconscious, Lana's face appears in my mind's eye. It's the thought of her--her smile, her timid kisses, her fingers raking through my hair--that allow me to look away from Lizzy without regret.

"But how could you be with her?" She's nearly yelling now. What else is new. "I mean, do you literally want to kill your social status?"

You sound like my dad, I almost say. "Hey Lizzy, guess what? Not everything is about status, you know. I couldn't give a fuck less about what people think of me."

She sneers. "Since when? Mr. Football is my Life."

It's my turn to raise my voice. "I'm good at sports, so what?"

"All I'm saying is you've changed. The Zack I used to know wouldn't be acting this way."

"Yeah and the Lizzy I thought I knew wouldn't have fucked three other dudes in my absence."

Her eyes well up with tears but this time I don't look away.

"We thought you were dead."

I pull a cigarette out of my back pocket, light it, and take a deep inhale. It's not like these things can kill me anymore, anyway.

"I thought you quit," she says quietly.

"God, Lizzy," I throw my hands up in surrender, grasping at the air for the right words. I exhale and the smoke permeates the night, billowing around me like acid rain. "Look, I'm sorry I'm upsetting you like this right now, but please leave me alone. We're two different people. We aren't good for each other."

There's silence between us as she processes what I've said. Then, softly, she asks, "Is she good for you?"

The question stops me dead in my tracks. Is Lana good for me? I think the better question would be, am I good for Lana?

Lana.

I pull out my phone, completely ignoring Lizzy's question, and see that I have several unread messages.

The first one reads: When are you coming back?

The second: I love you.

I flip my phone shut and race back inside.

I almost trip running down the stairs to Grayson's basement. When I return, Jordan, Erin, and Andrea are playing an enticing game of Bullshit. Amelia is passed out on the couch. Grayson is lounging next to her, mindlessly watching the television.

"Where's Lana?" I ask.

Grayson smirks at me, and his eyes are challenging.

"She went home," he says a little too happily.

"Okay . . . did she mention why?"

"Nope."

"Alright, I'm going to go find her. Have a good night, guys."

"Hey Zack," Grayson says, popping up from the couch and meeting me at the bottom of the stairs. He's only inches from my face when he says, "Between you and me, you've got a good girl. Keep her close."