Rings

I'm Not Ready

Maya was as quiet as possible coming home. Her fight with Carina was still fresh, and she didn't want to risk upsetting her by interrupting her sleep. She took off her shoes and backpack by the door, setting them down as light as possible. Then shuffled to the kitchen for a late-night snack without picking up her feet.

"Why are you moving like that?" Carina asked from the sofa.

   Maya jumped at her voice and took a deep breath to mentally prepare her for whatever was to come.

"Oh, you are still awake. I thought you would be asleep."

"Is that what you were hoping for?" Carina asked as she sat up, her eyebrows furrowed. "You were supposed to be home three hours ago. I called the station to check on you, and they said you left at your normal time."

"I'm sorry."

Carina watched Maya, waiting for more of an explanation. Then, when it was clear she wasn't getting one, she pushed herself off the couch and started marching to their room.

"Babe, wait." Maya stepped in the way.

The closeness let the scent of Carina's shampoo tickle her nose and made her head dizzy. It was the closest they had been in days. Maya missed being able to smell her wife. Usually, it was so comforting, but now it made her nervous.

"Are you going to say anything?"

As Maya looked up into dark eyes, she lost all words. Seeing disappointment and anger in eyes that usually looked down on her so lovingly made her feel lost.

"Maya, I don't have the patience to play these games right now. I waited up to make sure you came home safely, but now I just want to go to bed."

One word nearly broke Maya's heart. Maya. Carina never called her by her name unless she was super excited or angry. By the look on her face it obviously wasn't the first.

"I'm sorry."

"You keep apologizing but not saying anything more. You aren't even saying what you are sorry for, not explaining anything. How am I supposed to know you mean it or what you even are thinking?" Carina pinched the bridge of her nose. "I am not doing this right now. Goodnight, Maya."

As Carina tried to walk past her wife, Maya grabbed her right hand and stopped her from getting far. She looked down at her ring shining on Carina's hand but didn't know how to ask for it back.

"What?" Carina's face softened, ready for Maya to finally open up, yet still nothing. "Use your fucking words! You are not a child. See, this is what I was talking about. You have been shutting me out for weeks, and when I finally had enough and tried to talk to you about it, you blew up on me. I knew you had your issues, and you can be a little cold sometimes, but I never thought you could be that cruel. You don't get to say the things you did and just puppy dog eyes your way back to being okay."

"You got one right," Maya said shyly. Hoping Carina's successful American idiom would be enough of a distraction.

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Yes, I- I'm not going to say it." Maya bit her tongue from apologizing again, knowing it would only set Carina off more. "I felt cornered this morning, and I lashed out. It's not an excuse. I never should have said... You were trying to help me. You didn't deserve- you never deserve that." She looked sheepishly at the ground. "I don't deserve you. I- I'm sorry."

Maya let go of Carina's hand as tears welled up in her eyes. It wasn't fair for her to make this about her feelings. She had to get away before Carina got a chance to point that out or try to comfort her.