Memory Lane

Chapter Thirty Three

"The heart can think of no devotion greater than being shore to the ocean."

Memory Lane: Chapter Thirty Three

Schoolwork has picked up tremendously over the last week, so everyone has been busy after-hours trying to battle through our enormous piles of homework. I know Kendall and Allen have it the worst with the Math Team competition schedule getting more intense the further they get into their season. Even Jesse has been incredibly busy - all week we've only seen one another at school and for a brief couple of hours at the support group. (Hours of which were tainted by me overthinking his blatant avoidance of Frank and Betty's question).

Fortunately, we both found free time tonight and he invited me back over to play the game of pool we never actually got around to last week. The flipside of the week turning so busy is that I didn't have much time to give any thought to the conversation Shay and I had on Tuesday. Now that my mind isn't reeling with different algebraic formulas or bogged down with essay after essay, it has decided to focus on the fact that Jesse validated my fear when he completely ignored the dating question at the support group.

So, as Jesse begins racking the balls on his pool table, my mind dances with the question of where he and I stand. In the comfort of his home, within the walls that he lets very few people into, I shouldn't even let the doubt seep in. Jesse and I have opened up to one another about our deepest trauma... "dating" or not, the connection we have is real.

Still. The way I feel about Jesse goes beyond a friendship and the thought that he doesn't want to define anything further makes my heart sink.

"Do you want to break or should I?" He asks as he carefully removes the wooden rack, leaving the balls in a perfect triangle.

I plan on answering with an actual response that makes sense in this situation. Instead, I end up blurting out a very random and not at all smooth: "What are we?"

Jesse pauses and glances at me over his shoulder. Even though I've slowly started to develop a certain skill in reading his expressions, right now my anxiety seems to be my kryptonite and I can hardly even meet his gaze. His tone, however, throws me off. It's humored.

"Well, I am about to be a winner when this game is over. I'll spare calling you a loser, if you'd like."

I close my eyes and shake my head, frustrated. "No- I mean what are we? As in, you and I." He stares at me, eyes widening. "I just... Do you want me to be your girlfriend?"

God I sound so desperate and I cringe at my own question. Right now would be a great time for the world to open and swallow me up.

"Oh."

What a great answer. Can the floor turn to lava so that I can melt away?

Jesse glances at his pool stick, lips tugged into a thin line as he swallows. "Well, this is embarrassing..."

And just like that, my heart drops way down into the pit of my stomach. I was only toying with the idea that Shay could be right, but now this proves that she knows him even better than I do and-

"I kind of thought you already were."

My thoughts cease. In the moments that my mind went spiraling, Jesse's expression morphed into a small, almost shy smile. The changes in his expression are often subtle and would be missed if you didn't pay close attention, but the shy smile is definitely there.

"You did?"

"You didn't?"

My eyes drop to the floor and I frown. Every moment between us has pointed to a big neon sign screaming that we're together, yet I let the doubt seep in anyway. "I wasn't sure," I admit.