Memory Lane

Chapter Forty

Thank you for your patience! I recently had a new addition to my family... we adopted a kitten! She's a wild child and has taken up much of my time. But, I'm back!

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"Why abandon a belief just because it ceases to be true?" -Robert Frost

Memory Lane: Chapter Forty

After deciding to tell Jesse the full story, my mind and body feel like they're about to shut down. Panic starts rising in my chest, but I focus on Jesse's ever-calm breathing and try to mimic it.

"I'll tell you. Everything," I finally say. No going back now.

Jesse nods, staying quiet as if he fears that saying one wrong word will cause me to shut down all over again. I take in a small breath and swallow, moving to the couch while Jesse follows. I sit on the edge of the couch, too distracted to attempt to be comfortable. After all, I didn't walk over here for comfort. Only to give myself a few more seconds to gather my thoughts.

Then, with one look into Jesse's reassuring gray eyes- somehow telling me without words that no matter what I say, he'll love me anyway- I just start talking. I tell him everything.

I tell him that we only went out that night to celebrate some silly accomplishment for me. Otherwise, we would have stayed in. I focus on that memory first. I had never seen them so proud of me. It felt like nothing could get in the way of my happiness that entire night. Then, too afraid to jump ahead, I focus on how amazing the dinner was. I explain the restaurant, talk about our waitress. The way my dad kept talking to strangers about my accomplishments because he was just that proud.

Soon, my small pointless details shift from the food to the weather. I tell him how blustery and snowy it was that night, but that it wasn't a concern because of how my dad always seemed so confident driving in the snow. I tell him how selfish I was for refusing to drive even when asked. I never did. I always refused to take the wheel so that I'd be able to admire the landscapes we drove through... I should have been focusing on the precious moments with my family.

Then I have to pause. Jesse doesn't push me. He waits with me until I've found the words to continue. Only this time, the story doesn't flow so easily. I've lost the ability to focus on other details of the night. All that's left is the crash.

So, I tell him in much less detail that another car came into our lane. That my dad panicked and swerved so hard he lost control of the car, despite the other car swerving back in time to avoid us. I tell him that the sound of crashing into the old, faulty guardrail will never get out of my head and wakes me up at night when it screeches in my nightmares. I tell him that I can remember every second of the descent down the side of the mountain. The smells. The sounds. The feeling.

The feeling of knowing something is happening that is about to alter the course of your entire life. The feeling of knowing not everyone is going to make it out of this and then wishing you could be one that does. Followed immediately with guilt and regret when you're the only one that makes it out.

I share the small details of the hospital that night... at least, what I can remember. By that point, I think my mind had shut down enough so that I wouldn't have to remember. I can't remember what my surgeons looked like or what room I was in. All I do revisit is when I got the news about my parents. I can hardly keep my voice working.

Jesse listens carefully to every word. Hangs on to every breath I take as I tell him my story. Midway through, when the silent tears began to fall, his hand was holding mine and pouring reassurance into the soft movement of his thumb on my skin. I think he was whispering small words of reassurance, or maybe he was silent the whole time. I couldn't focus on much else aside from his steady breaths and the feeling of his hand on mine.