To The One Who Isn't Mine yet

Exhausted.

7th of July, 2023

The moon resting near the windowsill makes my heart go more still, chilling my bones and numbing the pain in my chest.
I make my way toward the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee, my eyes scanning the living room for the wall clock to reveal the exact time, the clock says: it's 2.30 a.m.

A tired yawn escapes my parted lips but sleep is nowhere to be seen. Somehow I wanted to get rid of this exhaustive mood, which requires a copious amount of 8 hours plus sleep but I chose the unhealthy alternative of drugging myself with more caffeine. This is my 5th cup for the day? No maybe 6th? I don't remember.

"Not so health conscious of you, Mr Zanish"

I laughed at my misery, these days I laugh a lot at myself. What has become of myself? Zanish of the past year would've bullied the hell outta me, seeing me indulge in an unhealthy lifestyle. But Zanish of the past year was not suffering from any such ailment.
He was perfectly fine, capable of doing everything on his own. Now I need support, which I never asked for, until last week, when my dear friend, Habib visited me and accidentally caught me in my suffering.

The man was completely stunned in his tracks witnessing the horrors of my apartment, moreover the horrors of my face. A face full of grown beard and moustache in an unruly manner, darkness encircling my hollow eyeballs, and heightened cheekbones due to loss of buccal fat. I was still in my jumper, he had never seen me in such an derogatory condition. Even though, I was just out from a shower, anybody who would've seen me might mistake me for a roadside druggie.

I will forever be grateful to Habib for his unwanted and uncalled help.
I'm not being sarcastic here.

I'M ACTUALLY!

He tidied my apartment all by himself, and refused any help from my side, fearing I might pass out due to exhaustion and he would have to rush me into an emergency ward. He took my miserable condition for my weakness, he was convinced I was diseased and I should get a thorough examination in a hospital. Diagnostic Reports claimed I was perfectly healthy, borderline anaemic but still healthy without any dreadful disease. Habib was relieved, now his sole focus was to pulp out the adequate number of blood cells from my bone marrow. He sent me dozens of carrots and beetroots, which I threw away this morning because they started to rot in my refrigerator.

I extended my leave for more than 2 weeks. I think I need this time to heal myself. I can't let my students see me like this, they might share memes about me on social media platforms and I cannot afford that sort of publicity, not now. I need to get back on track. But the track is not visible. All I can see is complete darkness, engulfing me wholly. I could only hear a deafening silence echoing through this vault.

"Have you considered consulting a psychologist?", Habib asked me in a hushed tone, which I'm very much familiar with. His usually loud voice drops low to a few decibels whenever he is 'not-so-sure' about something. A low grunt left my throat, which surely made Habib frown on the other side of the Phone.

I can't help myself, Habib out of all people should be aware of my predicament. I expected better from him, but he is here proving me wrong by telling me to do something that has nothing to do with my present situation.

"Habib", I kept my voice as subtle as possible.

"I'm not depressed, please!" Somehow that 'please' came out more annoyed than I'd thought.

"Zanish, I know you are not depressed, but what's the problem with having a one-time visit to a psychologist? I promise you, that everything will be done discreetly, and your privacy will not be violated."
Now Habib's voice raised a few octaves higher in a persuading manner.

"Habib! Why don't you understand, I'M NOT DEPRESSED! I'll talk to you later. Bye!" I was about to cut the call when Habib screamed through the phone.

"ARE YOU FREAKING INSANE ZANISH? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK? YOUR PARENTS ARE HELLA WORRIED ABOUT YOUR DETERIORATING HEALTH AND I CLEARLY CAN'T BEAR THIS NONCHALANT BEHAVIOR OF YOURS ANYMORE! NOW BYE!"

Habib burst out like a volcano and emptied his rage on me, I didn't know how to react. Whatever he said was true, I agree. But I've no strength left in me to explain to anyone what I'm going through. One of the major reasons, I'm maintaining a healthy distance from everyone except Habib. But I guess now is the time to cut this bond as well.

I switched off my phone and intended to throw it on the couch but the phone bounced back and cracked on the floor.

GREAT! NOW NO ONE CAN CONTACT ME AND GASLIGHT ME INTO THINKING THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME. FINALLY, PEACE HAILS AGAIN IN MY LIFE!

A/N:
A really short chapter and probably boring as well. But this is just the beginning, have some patience y'all. A few chapters from here on will be feeding into the details of the book through Zanish's POV. Just a buildup, bear it with me please👉🏻👈🏻🥹💔