To The One Who Isn't Mine yet

Slumber.

Scrolling through my mailbox, I came across a mail from my father, titled: Call us back!
A shudder coursed through my spine. I jerked this anxiousness away and Reluctantly checked the mail, though I knew how disappointing it would be.
How disappointing I've turned out as a son and a human in general.

The mail reads as:
Zanish, where are you? How are you doing?

I felt so bad that they were still worried about me. It should have been me asking them these questions.

Your mother is worried about your whereabouts. We tried contacting Habib as well but he never picked up our calls. Have you told him not to answer our messages?

Dammit! I remember how Habib was so angry at me 2 weeks ago. How can I forget to apologise to him? I made a quick mental reminder to call him. I shouldn't have lashed out at him that day.

Zanish, my son we are willing to help you as much as we can. Just tell us what your problem is. Please don't hurt yourself. We can talk this out. We are missing you. Just come home.
With blessings,
Your dad.

I felt a tinge of guilt in my chest. Why am I making my parents suffer like this? When did I turn into a monster? They want me to share my problem with them, but the problem is I don't know what's wrong with me. How can I put this heaviness in my chest into words? How do I tell my parents that I don't wanna live anymore?
I can no longer hurt others just because I'm hurt.

I checked my watch, it was still 9 PM. If I drive fast enough I could reach home by 11 PM. I don't think they would sleep this early. I grabbed my car keys, wallet and phone while estimating the time. As I was switching off the lights, anxiety crept into my chest, like blooming thorns on a creeper.

How can I face them after making them go through this hell? What if Dad gets angry and unleashes his terror on me? I'm not ready to face them yet.

I slowly sat there near the door, holding my head in my hands. A sudden burst of pain started bustling in my head. Guess my migraine is back at being a bitch again, worsening my condition.

In the darkness of my room, echoed a voice from far away.

Zanish, you are a useless piece of shit! Your existence is nothing but a burden on everyone around you!

My breathing became shallow as if someone was choking me. I tried gasping for air, but the heaviness of my chest pressed against my lungs, making it difficult for me to inflate them with oxygen.

You thought you were perfect? A perfect son? Look at you now, how miserable you look.

I pressed both of my palms on my ears to stop this horrifying voice.

You are a disgrace to our family. I hope you were not born. You have never done anything to benefit us. Your presence is a burden on us. I wish you weren't born.

STOP IT! STOP IT!

You could never do anything perfect. You are just a burden on everyone around you. You should go and die in a pit of shame. You are a disgrace to our family.

I didn't realise when the Tears started rolling down my face. I tried to stand on my feet but they felt like jelly. I fell face-first on the floor. The pain quickly surged through my face, guess I got a bruise on my head. I raised my hand to check if I was bleeding. I felt a bit relieved to know I didn't crack my head. But my face grew hot due to the excruciating pain spreading like flames across my face.

The good thing is my mind got diverted and my breathing was restored to normalcy. I pressed ever-so-slightly on the bruising to reduce the swelling and increase the blood flow avoiding any clots forming.

After a few minutes, I calmed down and regained my energy to move without hurting myself, I turned on the lights and examined my face in the mirror. The face reflected was not me! I refuse to believe that the person in the mirror is me. My parents wouldn't recognise the present Zanish. I need to drop the plan of meeting them today.

I quickly called Habib, though I was not sure if he would pick up my call. The phone rang twice, thrice and then went straight into voicemail. I tried calling him again and again. Disappointedly, I spoke to the receiver: Habib, I am sorry. I would make sure to not worry you guys anymore. Bye!

Defeated by my fate, I drowned in my agony. What sort of shit is going on with me? I no longer remember myself. Where have I gone? Zanish! Where are you, man?

I tried sleeping these internal conflicting conversations away. But after twisting and turning in my bed, I could no longer sleep. I grew agitated and dosed myself with sleeping pills. Usually, my recommended dosage is 1 or 2 pills (not more than that) but this time just to test my tolerance and to numb this pain (both physical and emotional) I swallowed 7 of them.

A thrilling chill resonates in my body at this moment. I feel oddly happy. No maybe satisfied. Yes, I was satisfied with this numbing sensation growing slowly in my body, paralysing my muscles and muffling the voices in my head.
It felt as if someone drowned those nasty voices deep in the water. Good riddance, they were always messing up with my brain.

Soon my body felt so light due to this delightful feeling of satisfaction, I rested myself slowly into my duvet. A low hum left my throat, and soon I started humming the lyrics of my favourite song-

Hue faasle, jhoote silsilay
Toote hue dil jayen kahan?
(A chasm has opened up, All paths have failed
What cure is there now for broken hearts?)

The song came to an end while I was drifting off into a deep slumber

Dhadke yeh dil tere hi liye
Hoga kisi ka naa ab yeh
Jaa raha hoon mai
Jaa rahi hoon mai~~~
(My heart beats for no one but you
Now it will never belong to anyone else
I'm saying goodbye, I'm saying goodbye )

These were the remnants of memories I'd had fleeting inside me before I lost my consciousness.